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Leaning gently in
Opposing Directions
As the strings
Of four years’ tying
Snap
snap
snap
Between us breaking
And I can’t even tie them back,
Or hold them together
Because every (break)
Gives you more freedom
From my grabbing hands
...(I think you like it.)
I refuse to follow you, stumbling
Pulled by my SKIN where it attaches to you
These aren’t leashes
I
won’t
follow
you,
Mistress.
And something keeps whispering
In the pink shell of my ear
Making sea sounds
Making me see sounds
Making me reach for the scissors in
My left
Hip
Pocket…
You want your freedom?
I see
Your laughter
Marquee in my face,
Crawling its way around the horizon
I’m spinning in c i r c l e s, trying to read it all..
You don’t sound like you anymore
I felt like correcting your voice
Running through it with a
thin (red) pencil
Your inflections are all wrong
Your laughter is forced
And I hate that you don’t see
the
errors.
...
Look, I can show you a sample
Of four-years-ago-You
I can cross-reference the longing
I can pin point the digressions
The “I love you”s
You didn’t put the emphasis on the right word
Who the fuck are you?
You’re not the same girl
I \ / in love with
fell
And the She of four years ago
Never bothered to
introduce
me
to
you
.
Little pieces of stringy flesh
Grown together
Grown apart
Grown thin with s t r e t c h i n g
Grown?
Snap with blood spray
That stains my face like rusty freckles.
I wonder if these umbilical cords will (scar) you
When they
rot
and
fall
away
If you’ll remember they were there…
...but no, you’ve grown out of bleeding
Your words come in only one color
You don’t deal
in flesh
anymore.
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I think this is an exceptional piece of writing about the bonds breaking in a relationship and the stiffling control the woman was trying to get over the narrator.
I dislike c i r c l e s. as its not in a circle so I don’t see the relevent of word art in circles. I love the fell and the other stuff you did like that.
The laughter marquee part confuses and doesn’t fit in well (a marquee to me is a tent, so how can it wind its way around the horizon, I don’t get that bit.
On the whole though it was a very good piece, no typo’s detected.
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“And something keeps whispering
In the pink shell of my ear
Making sea sounds” – love that part. This is truly an interesting and intense creative piece. Oftentimes I find the type of spacing you utilize to be distracting or simply “making up for” a poem lacking in theme or emotion, but this is not the case for your poem. Your images are clean-cut and striking. At points, you teeter on the edge of cliche, but it all works out alright, and everything comes together with a great conclusion. Nice.
What a message here. I understand what you’re trying to do with the staggered words. Each space is a feeling…..... a means of emphasis. However, it detracts from the readablilty. I had to read it at least three times before I realized how good it was.
I LOVE the look of this poem, the presentation is fantastic. I liked that you took the opportunity to really play with words. You probably could have been a bit more abstract, but the theme was good, as was, again, the presentation, so I’m not complaining.
Okay, first off, I love the pace you set with your set up of writing. I think it really reflects well on your poem and didn’t find it in the least distracting. Though I do feel that a few areas should be looked at again once when you used parenthesis I got a little lost. Overall nicely done.
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