Poetry / Darkness For a Moment

this is awesome dark humor.
“I am smiling waiting waiting for you in the vent” <<< FUCKING BRILLIANT
“You may now enter
The gates of hell…
And please do not forget
To sign the guest book” <<<Awesome line
it lacks structure though, i.e. stanzas.  
“How does it feel knowing you’re
Being stalked and to think
You stalked me when I
Was just a jogger.” <<< this part throws me off. it’s kinda like stockholm syndrome but not really. why would the narrator stoop down to his victim/stalker’s level and stalk him back? i think you should go into more detail about that in this poem. and WHY did this “stalk exchange” start in the first place? :P otherwise, i love the dark language and imagery. great piece. favoriting…  

A curious and distinct poem.  I was intrigued by it, so different and out of the ordinary.  After reading a lot of poems for URBIS this one is a breath of fresh air.  You should write a book of poetry.

Simply did not like this. While it presents a mystery, it fails to make me care enough to consider the possible answers.

Well, first. “clench” is not a word. I believe what you are looking for is “clench”. Using a simple spell check would have pointed that out to you. (There is also a typo in your reviewers notes).

I don’t much like the use of “Don’t cha” and “gotcha”, it feels a little sloppy as well.

What i get from this piece is a dairy/journal like entry of a very dark and disturbed person, which in itself could be an interesting take. BUT, the way you wrote it was very immature-ish. You jump around and the message is not only bland, because nothing really exiting happens, but it’s jumbled.

The only thing I liked was the line “You may now enter
The gates of hell…
And please do not forget
To sign the guest book”

I would really look into why you wrote this piece and what you are trying to convey.

• add/view comments (3)

April 14, 2008

by Dapoet1968

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
3	76.9% (13 votes)	-5.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
41	M	Phoenix, AZ	April 24

I was inspired to write this work while watching the news for over a year about the serial killers and stalkers that stalked and killed at random innocent people here in Phoenix Arizona.
While they were eventually caught,Thank God or somebody, because now the streets are a bit safer. Any-who, I just wrote in flipside. I pretended to be one of the victims or a family memeber or a close friend wanting revenge and then stalking the stalkers.
It is a bit of imagination combined with a real life event.

April 14, 2008

by Arkaidy

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
120	83.3% (54 votes)	22.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
23	F	Wilmington, NC	July 11

See I think if you detailed your piece more, like with what you just said here, it would be much better.

April 14, 2008

by Dapoet1968

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
3	76.9% (13 votes)	-5.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
41	M	Phoenix, AZ	April 24

I see what you mean. Pay attention to details and be more descriptive? Right?

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I found some spelling errors. In the fourth line’clentch’ should be ‘clench’.
Fifth line ‘finnally’ only contains one ‘N’. I found it odd that you knew how to spell grotesque when you had trouble with the aforemention words. Typos? Or do you not know how? I suggest you find a beta reader or an editor of some kind. Or perhaps a simple spell check.
As for the topic and disregarding what I have previously written, I found this to be rather good. It does sound somewhat like the mind of what we percieve to be a stalker, yes? “Just a jogger” is an excellent way to put it. A subtle way of saying ‘I’m always there’. Truely haunting.

I found this in all honesty to be juvenile. The spelling and grammar is atrocious. I understand the point you are getting across though, so that is good. It also provoked some emotion from me. Particularly anger because I know what you are talking about.

this poem has a creepy feel too it. i like creepy but maybe try to work on the meter a little bit to make it flow a lot better. i like the last four lines though they are pretty tight lol HAHAHA Gotcha Hows it feel? it makes me think of the movie “IT”