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Non-fiction / How to Make Slams and Influence Poets
1. Know your dead poets. Nothing impresses a poetic chap faster than talking about how that silly Plath girl wound up with her head in an oven, or how that ‘black dude from Harlem’ contributed to the Renaissance most verily. If all else fails, quote the Raven and speak ‘Nevermore’ at random nevermore intervals in your nevermore conversations.
2. Flail. Poets really enjoy excessive body language, particularly when there is no bothersome content to get in the way of of your stunning visual antics. For bonus points, have unnatural relations with the floor and don’t call it in the morning. Tell all your friends how it wasn’t all that good anyhow, because she just kind of lied there all woodenly.
3. Be critical of everything! You could stop at the poetry itself, but why miss out on the exciting opportunity to give your most valuable and esteemed opinions on the educational background, orientation, or appearance of your fellow poets. They’ll love you for it! Complain about the venue too- why should they miss out on the fun? Surely your seat is too hard or your coffee too cold.
4. Stalk your fellow poets! Write creepy tribute poems about their stuffed animal obsession, email them and ask where they’ve been if you haven’t seen them in more than two days, find out their cell numbers and call them three times daily. Link them to your favorite inspirational porn and serial killer sites.
5. Poets love to brag! Talk about that time you hung out with Ginseberg ‘back in the day’, even if you’re only twenty-five. They’ll never see through your clever boasting. At every opportunity, tell anyone who will listen about each and every one of your achievements. The same story you’ve told a hundred times before is just as exciting on time 101.
6. IF you are particularly popular amongst the poetic set, they will give you an endearing nickname like The Creepy Guy, Stalkin’ Steve, or Academic Ass. Continue to display the same intriguing behavior that earned you the nickname to begin with- wouldn’t want to disappoint your adoring fans. No nickname? No problem! Just find two completely ridiculous word and shove them together, and you’ve got your new stage name. Leaky Faucet! Sticky Table! Or, if you need an ego boost, why not just call yourself The Grand Master of Everything Poetic? If it’s your stage name, it must be true!
7. Dress poetically. Get yourself one of those little berets and never take it off. Ever. Dress all in black and stop bathing.
8. Live the poetic lifestyle! Embrace your inner drunk, try every drug you can, have long crying jags into your espresso at two am while sobbing “I am a worthless hack. I’ll never put pen to paper again!” Remember life is a cesspool of darkness and despair, so try to kill yourself on a regular basis. Never actually succeed though- that would deprive the world of your brilliant poetry. Above all remember- real poets NEVER SMILE.
9. Never leave your house! Ever. Have your meals sent up through the window in a basket while you write about the life you don’t have. If you must go out, find yourself a road and DO NOT TAKE IT. Or maybe just a pond in the woods. Okay, you could go on the road, but then you’d have to be a beat poet, and you haven’t bought that beret yet, have you?
10. Real poets
is not
be needing that English
shizzle or grammar
or
word
structure.
11. Everyone would love to hear about your child’s bowel movements, your dog’s vomit, or that thing growing on your genitalia. Why not Slam it?
And above all, remember that a sense of humor and strong individual expression (sometimes through sarcasm) will take you far. Or just get you jumped in the parking lot. Either way, it’s a learning experience and you can always write a poem about it later.
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This reminds me of most of the students from my dorm who majored in writing (at Eugene Lang).
Great piece, very, very funny and clever.
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Funny as hell, man! I like a good satire, even when it’s this obvious. Number Ten was especially cute. And the ending was good, too. ”Because she just kind of lied there all woodenly”? I think you mean “laid there all woodenly.”
Definitely a fun read, though. All the way.
Right on! My only point of contention is what you write about is not just for poets. It is an affliction of many wannabe artists.
But I have at least taken step 6 to heart. I have given myself the endearing nickname of Mr. Verbal Diarrhoea. Originally I was thinking about Sir Verbal Diarrhoea, but we can’t be too pompous, can we? Time to work on the other points.
Very amusing, and so accurate on so many different levels. I am lucky enough to only be familiar with the slam scene from the uber commercialized Def Poetry Jam, but, I have to say, you hit all the things I don’t like about it right on the head, and managed to be funny doing it.
Sometimes it’s nice for us creative types to see all our pretensions exposed for the jokes they are. You may deflate some egos, get jumped in a parking lot, but you might also do some good and encourage better writing too.
10 is so ridiculous it’s almost too ridiculous. You might want to think about making it make more sense (as opposed to this comment…)
A suggestion. You might also want to put in something about fragile egos or a feeling of being scorned/empowered/entitled. Those seem to be critical, unifying elements of many artists, particularly the kind that get on stage and dry-hump the floor.
Enjoyed it. Let me know if you have any further questions.
NIce little satire here. I don’t know much about slams but I spent my time in poetry classes while getting my writing degree and I have to say you hit a number of them right on the nose. I loved the part about finding a road but not taking it.
I also loved number 2, Flail. (Why are poets so often so weird and depressed?)
Be critical of everything and stalk your fellow poets. These were really good too.
All in all, a pretty on-the-mark sendup of those poets who take themselves, and their craft, too seriously.
As anyone else with sense has already gushed… AMAZING! Very true… and this can apply to the angst-teen stereotype of “emo”, as well (“life is a cesspool of darkness”... hahaha). Excellent work… keep it up!
What can I say that you don’t already know?
I too think this piece is hilarious and satirically true!
Absolutely fabulous work.
Great piece. Rings all too true. It’s funny cause I definitely know of some people this piece would piss off. Found it amusing.
-dlk
I thought this was pretty funny, though I have never slammed in my life, and the “poets” I know in real life are mostly angsty 16-year-old girls.
In an effort to be helpful: in #2, you refer to the floor as “it” and then “she.” Pick one. =P
Cheers, and good job.
There’s nothing for me to critique. I think it’s fabulous. I realize this is thoroughly unhelpful, but I flat out loved it. Any poet who’s seen the scene can relate. Even if they couldn’t, the piece is f**n’ hilarious.
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