laugh Honestly, I have no further aims with this piece – it was just something I wrote and threw out there – a little bit of poking fun and a little bit of seriousness. In addition, the story is supposed to read a little bit flat – sort of old style fairy tale – so I’m pleased to read that I accomplished my aim. Thank you for the review.
Short Story / Urbis... How it's supposed to be...
It seems important to say that this story does not begin in a certain place or time, but within the heart of a girl child. She was raised to believe in her own worthlessness. She had trouble mastering any skill, she was clumsy and she was not particularly attractive in any way. Even though she was aware of these flaws, the people surrounding her made sure to remind her of them every day. Soon she stopped trying to do anything correctly, since nothing of quality was expected of her anyway, and she lived her life in state of stagnation.
One day she ran into a group of children playing her favorite game. She stopped and watched for a moment, transfixed, and for the first time in a long time she felt that she wanted to do something too. She walked slowly up to the group and said, “Hello, my name is Versifier,“ and then she chanted, in a singsong voice, “I’m useless, so useless and I want to play. I’ve lived all alone and thought to wither away. Would you mind if I joined you today?”
The other children turned and looked at her critically. A little boy spoke. “I think it was a little short. It might be better if you added more lines.”
The next child, a grubby girl spoke next. “I didn’t really get it. Why are you useless? What’s the background to this story? If you answered those questions it would be better…”
Another little boy examined her critically, trying to see the figure beneath the grime and the hair that had been tangled with her neglect. “I think that you should try again. Make it a little more personal and real this time…”
The girl turned away from the group and walked away towards a nearby river. She could hear their voices snickering in the background. She reached the bank and sat down and peered over the edge at her reflection, noting the grubbiness and tangles. Suddenly, she stood up, conviction radiating from her person. She would play their game! She would become good at something!
She dove cleanly into the water and scrubbed her body clean. She washed her hair and ran a comb through it. It took her a long time to accomplish these things, and while her fingers worked her mind ran rampant.
Some time later she walked back up to the small group of children. They turned to face her, staring intently. She cleared her throat and began.
“I have been worthless, and I have been useless
I have been unwanted and unloved
unclean and undesired.
I have seen you playing here
Your sing-song game
And I wanted to play too.
Do you mind if I join?
A pleasant way to pass the time
In the company of peers.”
She stood and waited for the verdict. The two little boys and the little girl stared at her.
The first little boy spoke. “I liked it. I could really identify with what was being said. The lines “unclean and undesired” feel a little bit off to me and you might want to consider a revision, but overall it was an interesting piece.”
The little grubby girl spoke once he had finished. “I think everyone knows how it feels to be unwanted, unloved and little worthless. The last line rings a little flat for me… you might want to change it, but I could really understand what you were saying. Nice work!”
The little boy, last of the three, finally took his turn. “I loved it! I can’t wait to see what you come up with next!”
They waved her into their circle and they started tossing words back and forth, sometimes as stories, sometimes as songs and sometimes as poetry. They critiqued and praised each other’s efforts and had a fine time doing it. Eventually, with hard work and the feedback of her peers, the little girl became a very good poetess indeed.
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Underscore79 reviewed Version 1 -
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I appreciate the ideas that you were conveying about insecurity and critique, and how your own outlook can reshape an outcome. However, I thought the short story itself was a little dull in the telling. It just seems like the idea was of utmost important and the execution only marginally important. I wish I could pinpoint exactly why rather than just giving you the above bland statements, but sometimes it just comes down to, “It doesn’t work.” The narration seems contrived and forced, and the dialogue has no momentum. I’m sure if you put your mind to it, you could choose a better way to breathe life into the idea.
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting parable, I guess I’d call it. Though, with a piece like this, this is about as far as you can take it. No one publishes Urbis Insider Monthly, at least not that I know of.
Your mechanics, spelling, punctuation are impeccable. But your style is flat (hate to agree with the little grubby girl). It is a tale, though, and maybe that was your aim. But in the interest of generating general interest (I love this sentence so far), make your characters snappier, more distinct and push the envelope. You’ll have better success with the piece.
Urbis can be quite frustrating.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this, because you captured how Urbis is. But some “kids” go a little over board and dig to hard to find something with a perfect peace. But I think you got your meaning out especially to those “kids” who give pointless one line reviews.
alberto311 reviewed Version 1 -
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Loved it… very clever… Write on mon ami!!!!
jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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Clever way to look at the entire peer review process. And a nice little story indeed. :)
Couple grubby comments to make:):
She … skill. She was clumsy, and not particularly attractive in any way.
useless, and
useless;
unloved,
unclean
here,
Your sing-song game,
And
me, and
unloved, and (a) little (or little worth – little worthless is like a double negative lol)
circle, and they
songs, and sometimes
:) Overall, nice work, and I can’t wait to see what you write next.
lokijki reviewed Version 1 -
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Very funny story. I loved how the children, almost randomly, gave in depth critiques of some dumb little poem. The ending seemed a little dull, but overall a good, entertaining story.
The_August_Kid reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow this was really good lol. This is probaby the most original piece I’ve ever seen on Urbis. You can’t really say much else then that. I don’t want to sound like an ass like the kids did and say something along the lines of what they did.
But i will say “I loved it! I can’t wait to see what you come up with next!”
OweFiresRight reviewed Version 1 -
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one day I hope someone will kick me in the teeth with such sweetness. I mean I ahve had people trash my stuff like its suppose top be Dylan-esque. I know I can spell….can I have some more grule now?
Phantomphreak reviewed Version 1 -
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I normally dont like reading, but you had me interested in it. I dont know what it was, but it was there.
annette reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent piece! Since I’m new to Urbis it clarified a lot for me. The message is: revise, edit, learn how to take constructive criticism, but most of all, be courageous enough to express what is in your heart, no matter how painful.
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