this is simultaneously the simplest and most helpful review I’ve ever recieved here.
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Novel Treatments / Believer (Prologue)
To most ten year old boys, suicide is the rarest, if not most absurd thing they think about. Yet here I am, at the top of the tallest building, looking over the edge. The unfortunate truth is if I jump, I know I won’t die. No, actually, I probably just wouldn’t fall. I’d jump, and then I’d stand still in the sky.
The moment I was deified, Earth became a satellite among so many others in a Miller-centric universe. In the eyes of everyone I encounter, I’ve created them, in my own image. If I can die, they’d all be forced to come with me, or worse, they’d cease to have ever existed at all.
”Miller! Don’t do this!” that’s my father, Phil. He’s yelling up to me, sixty feet above the asphalt. “Please come down, and we can talk. Your mother and I love you!” Phil’s wife, my mother won’t look. Instead, she just weeps into my father’s armpit.
“Everything is going to be fine Phil.” I reply to my father. Everyone can hear this, but unlike Phil, I am not yelling.
I turn on my heels, but in place. I hope this works, I need someone else to create Wilford Circle Township. I need someone else to create Wilford Millrun Elementary School. I’m not a god. I don’t even remember how I did it all. I’m an anachronism walking around. If I got us here, I’ve got to get us out. I crouch down, my back to the people below me and I spring upward.
I feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I swan-dive toward the earth below.
I smile as I brace for impact.
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Lunsford reviewed Version 1 -
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Fugitivedread reviewed Version 1 -
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LeahD reviewed Version 1 -
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cursorblock reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, it leaves me interested thats for sure. I don’t know if this person has abilities or if they just think they do. I believe the former if this is to be a prologue. I’m not sure if the inner voice sounds like a ten year old to me. It sounds much older. You might want to alter the wording to how a ten year old would think in this situation.
-He’s yelling up to me…
This line seemed a little odd, like the father was sixty feet up. I know what you mean in this line, it just came across that way to me.
Look forward to more. Keep writing.
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THOTHGUARD51 reviewed Version 1 -
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BeeAtina reviewed Version 1 -
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PoeticSydrome reviewed Version 1 -
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livwicca reviewed Version 1 -
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LynnFollett reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok this read fine for an intro I’m not sure if you are going to explaine why he wanted to end his life at such a young age. I’m sure it’s probably to do with bullying or something at his school. I need a little more information before I can give a proper review.
moondeer reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this prologue- excellent beginning hook. And i have to disagree with ‘dead poet’--- I prefer your lack of physical description of said boy, to create an overly precise image cuts out the reader from flushing out their own. As well, it works when we wonder wether or not this boy is god like. What does god look like?? I also loved the lack of warmth he has when referencing his parents….it makes me wonder about the nature of god. Is God really good? Could we have a selfish God? Anyhow, i look forward to reading more. I’m hooked.
The piece had immediacy, good flow, and best of all left me asking some rather serious questions.
small note--—don’t need the ‘i reply to my father bit-—-‘I say’ is clear enough. we already know who Phil is. Don’t underestimate the reader.
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