Lyrics / Smoke

I think lyrics are kind of a hard thing to critique becuase you can’t tell how they’ll be out loud.  The rhyming is good.  I thought some parts were a little repetitive, more than just would normally be in a song.  I thought it was a very good theme and you presented it well.  Love’s desperation was clearly shown.  However, I thought some lines were a little long to make it sound smooth.  Overall it was fairly well done.  Good job on it.  

One more thing, I wouldn’t say to keep in mind that you’re only thirteen,  because that might prevent people from telling you the negatives on your writing, which is basically why Urbis exists.  It’s ok to show your age and not lie about it, but to put it out there as something of an excuse doesn’t really make sense if you want to hear what you need to workd on.  People will still give you positives along with the negatives no matter what.  

You seem like you’ve got some potential in writing, keep working at it and I wish you the best.  

The use of smoke as a metaphor to clouded feelings was very good.
I feel you could describe why this person does not like you better.
Maybe enhance it with improved grammar such as the line you us.
“Maybe I should just deal” end this with “it”. And somewhere describe what “it” really is! Over all I like the innocence and down to earth feeling of the song.

Ok. Why is there smoke? Is something burning? Are you on fire? Are you smoking? What? If you want to reference smoke we need to know why.

You’re 13. That’s great. Keep on writing, keep trying. I would recommend you try to take some literary classes through your school or perhaps local college summer classes geared toward young adults. You will learn a lot and improve.

Don’t let rhyme tell you what to say. Say what you mean.
Thing is, in this song, you don’t really say anything. There has to be a point. All I get from this is “I want you, you don’t want me” and that’s not enough. Show me how you feel with your words, don’t tell me. Use lauguage to tell me whats in your mind/heart whatever.

Keep trying, you have potential. Good job!

Love, love.

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April 18, 2007

by Kels66

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962	65.4% (136 votes)	25.2%

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15	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

Aww you didn’t understand the smoke? It is a metaphore for what is going through my head, that i am confused and my mind is clouded. That is all it shows that i don’t understand everything going on around me.

April 19, 2007

by tia_logic

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710	86.6% (343 votes)	63.0%

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26	F	United States	December 03

Well.. smoke is kind of an awkward way to show confusion. If you want to make that distinction, you need to find a way to show the reader (listener, if we’re singing) this metaphor. See, the thing is you keep ‘glancing through’ the smoke and watching it. Its never explained that you feel it is inside you, blinding you. We never see the image that it is actually obscuring your view or your thoughts. You just look at it a lot. Does that make sense?

April 19, 2007

by Kels66

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962	65.4% (136 votes)	25.2%

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15	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

honestly the way i came up with the metaphore and the  beggining for the song was while playing with a smoke machne but i always found it to be a great metaphore for confusion and all

April 19, 2007

by tia_logic

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710	86.6% (343 votes)	63.0%

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26	F	United States	December 03

I agree, it’s hard to see if your face is full of smoke. Your eyes water, you cough, you try to get away from it (and confusion :D ) Just work with it. Go Team You.

April 19, 2007

by Kels66

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962	65.4% (136 votes)	25.2%

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15	F	Clovis, CA	May 21

so very true especially if u have so much smoke the cops might think ur hotboxing ur house

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very nice piece
it displays alot of emotion and many perspectives of your involvement i think it’s rather brave to put youself out there like that!like your need for security.

“Its driving me insane
Putting me through pain
This pain is caused by you
And this haze in my eyes is from the pain

nice stanza even though the rhyme scheme is weak

“As I stare at the smoke tonight
I know its right
I want you
And I know its true”

this refrain is very telling to me
after reading the poem completely.
it seems to show in some case your
state of denial!

”
“Everyday Im with you
I feel like Im a better person
Everyday Im near you
I feel safer then the safest person”

i like how this line seems to say
“you complete me”and
your desire for security
are you a female?

anyways i’m impressed.please keep up the good work!

Its really simple, which I am not complaining I like simple, I think you should put a little more thought into it and you’ll get what you want- a great song.

this is good and to the point. that you want someone and though youre not sure if they want you too, you still cant give up. its very relatable. and i like how its like, you stare at the smoke and think one thing, then glance at it and think another. that can happen. its like things change while you change, i guess. one thing i had a problem with was the second to last paragraph thing, where you used the word “pain” 3 times. and there were only 4 lines. i found that funny, but also not that good of a thing. i think when you wrote “this pain is cause of you”, i think thats an obvious line. like, what else would cause the pain. idk, maybe you should use a different word other than pain. but other than that its cool. awsome job. i know i couldnt do better.

Wow. This sounds very familiar from somewheres. Reminds me of myself. good write

You did a very good job with this and I feal it was well written.  Although I really didn’t care too much about the idea of staring into smoke I’m assuming you may be in front of a fire or a fireplace?  Because all I can think of is how your eyes must be hurting with all that smoke.

Thats really nice, what made you choose these lyrics? what song is it? this whole thing reminds me of how i still feel sometimes when im around this girl i know, i feel like i cant get to her and even though sometimes it feels impossible i still try to get close to her. i love it when songs can take you away to somewhere and this song deffinatly does that, good choice of lyrics.

Hello,

This would make a nice country ballad sung by a woman like Faith Hill…that is, if one can get her to sing a broken heart song.