Poetry / Getting In

I really like this poem. I love your recounting of the girl’s avoidance and final surrender. (I hope I’ve interpreted it right.)
Well written and interesting rhythm.

I liked this a lot. Good descriptions. I honestly can’t find anything wrong with it.

“The echoes from the sun have died”

That’s my favorite line.

this poem is pretty well executed and i actually like it.  i like the way you tell a story and use original language.  good job.  9

“looking for serious criticism”

Sorry I have none to offer! This is a wonderful read. It left me wanting more…what happened to the mistress? Are you going to write more? The text is lovely, the flow lively, cleanly written. Erors? None spotted…

Well done, well done!

i really like the first part of part one and all of part two.  it was a bit hard for me to keep interested in part three.  in part one: i really liked how you talk about each way to approach a house and how the one in the house would react to each, i could image it  all being done.  in part two: it flowed real nicely and i loved how it was showing us you were there but at the same time not really there because it’s like saying “ur near yet so far away.”  and in part three:  i beleive you could put more imagery into that section like the first two.  but over all it’s a great piece just and a bit more detail and imagery! GREAT JOB!!!!

I really like this one! I’m going to put suggestions first, praise last.

First, unless the spelling/grammar mishaps enhance the piece, they shouldn’t be there. I learned this the hard way. In the first two lines, “If I have to be funny
at the front door” I don’t understand this. Funny? Front door? Where’s the connection? In the next two lines, where the back door slams, and the narrator “will” hear it, I have to ask, why? Why would the narrator be funny at the front door, why would he (she?) hear the back door slam when being funny at the front door?! Call me slow, but I don’t see the correlation at all. I also don’t understand “(rules change;” and sandwiched right in between mail references, the relevancy is lost to me. Maybe it’s just lost in translation, maybe I’m just blond (naturally, anyway). Next, “Tomorrow they’ll see the
crack
pester push
maybe not even wait.” Here, I have several questions as well. What crack? What’s a “pester push,” anyway? What would they be waiting for (or not waiting, perhaps)? It messes the flow of your poem up. The word “sheers” I believe is spelled shears – but I’m not positive. For my last critique, “Just one word
on parchment
one only,/” perhaps a slightly different wording would make it flow better: “Just one word/one parchment/one only,/”. The reader’s mind tricks itself to see the “e” in the line “on parchment” because of the way it’s worded. Maybe I’m out of line on this, but I really think it would help.

Are you ready to see what I like about your writing?
I love the different parts in one poem! I’ve not seen it much in reading others’ poetry. The picture you put in my mind, is not only as vivid as a (very good!) movie, but it flows with mere pauses, instead of stopping after every part. This takes talent to do. It also seems effortless, natural, the way this piece flows. Like being on the top of a wave, far from land. The wave carries you smoothly, up and down, as does your poem. I like the repitition of the word ring, “If I ring (ring, ring, ring)
the bell,” I can almost hear the bell ringing. I like how you entitled the overall piece, as well as giving your parts titles. Not only that, but the titles themselves mesh, come together very well. They way you keep the reader in suspense, wondering what exactly that one word might be, is excellent! I was guessing something along the lines of love, wait, mine, or maybe hope. The fact that the word written was also the last word of this poem was spectacular! At the end, you make the reader pause, you make their heart skip a beat by spacing the last “line” of the poem from the rest of it. It makes that word stand alone. It packs a very powerful punch that way. I wasn’t expecting the word to be mercy, so I feel like it’s got irony there, & I also like that.

Overall, it’s a very well written piece. With a few minor revisions, it would be even better. I look forward to seeing lots more.

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September 22, 2006

by andyhavens

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
42	95.5% (22 votes)	28.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
43	M	Columbus, OH	June 18

Thanks for the thoughtful critique. Some thoughts…

Though I am certainly not a perfect speller, and any errors pointed out in that way are appreciated, in my poetry, the grammar is always exactly what I intend it to be, as it’s never a pure, narrative grammar. It will always be secondary to the meter, flow, rhythm and “sensibility” of the piece. If the meanings aren’t clear, then the poem has failed; whether gramatically or poetically isn’t really an issue.

The whole first part is about getting into a house; “If I have to be funny at the front door, I will hear the screen door out back slam,” is the idea that the “she” inside the house has no interest in my comedy; in me trying to be directly humorous. “Front door” is often a metaphor for trying something directly. “Peering in… only makes you nervous.” IE, trying to find out about her obliquely isn’t good, either. This is all about a man trying to understand a woman; get to know her. But the house (her shell) keeps her from him and keeps him from knowing her.

“Sheers” is one spelling of a type of window treatments; the gauzy, not-quite curtains that often hang behind thicker curtains. When we say something is “sheer,” we mean thin and nearly transluscent. That is the preferred spelling for that meaning. “Shear” is the preferred spelling for “a large pair of gardening scissors,” but either spelling is acceptable for both words.

The “rules change” is about how mail used to be delivered right to the door, now there’s a curbside box, but the mail slot remains. It’s a very subtle (I admit) hint as to the fact that she used to allow slightly closer contact on a regular basis.

“Pester push” is what you do to get into the house when the door is cracked open a bit; ajar. Just a little phrase I made up. Alliterative and, I though, cute yet… a bit sinister and annoying. The men who come by to investigate the now empty house.

Hope the explanation helped. Glad you enjoyed the piece.

September 30, 2006

by Emeraldominance

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
19	85.7% (7 votes)	40.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	Olney, MD	September 18

Your explanation was very helpful.  Thank you.

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I laughed when my eyes fell upon the first line, I knew right away you had a plan and idea, and I was less right than I thought- your poem exceeded my expectations by far.  I like very much how you began with a simpler dialogue and use of words and slowly cranked up the literary fire as the poem went on, “In watery sepia… Baroque stroke lines and curls.” That’s deep, it makes my mouth water.  You spun the story very well- that last word really got me, the imagery was so well put that I can see this as a short film. Get to it.

I enjoyed reading this piece,you drew me in because you know many of us have that natural curiosity and we just had to know what that one word on the parchment was and I’m glad that it was what was written you have made a great piece here I loved it!