Poetry / Fifth Season
When did the slim, slightly tousled
slip of a girl
with grass in her hair and
wrinkled, linen slacks
slide, unnoticed, into some quiet pool
of stagnant water?
Her honey hair swirled clockwise
just a moment,
barely disturbed the grey scum
that coats the liquid skin,
and then
she was gone
as if she’d never strode beside me.
Summer lived in her tan face,
the bowls of her cheeks held sun like soup.
Her forehead a map of beaches, trails and parks.
Each step she took pushed back the globe
one step
the other way.
You could feel it
walking beside her.
Barefoot, sandals, boots or heels – no matter.
Slight of frame; petite, perhaps,
but mighty as Diana in her stride.
Winter lived in her laugh.
Grown men feared it.
The laugh and short, sharp glance that said,
“Oh. You. Never mind.”
The cutting laugh.
The lovely laugh.
Warming, you could drink from it.
Suck cold sustenance and, maybe,
flavor something sweeter. Maybe.
Maybe later.
Spring lived in her breath.
Quiet words. Soft against my neck,
soft against my ear.
Hard against my heart and bedrock.
Whispers of new life. Whispers of
growing things
that seek warmth
and rain.
Her words brought wind
and warmth
and rain.
Fall lived in my eyes.
Every change a scarlet gem,
every touch a drop of harvest gold.
She could do no wrong.
From sunrise yellow hair
to blue noon eyes
to mischief heart of midnight black.
Nothing marred the sweet, cool day
of her, my autumn girl,
the world I love.
When, then, did she find time
to die?
Between the sun and wind there is no crack.
Between the ice and breath?
I cannot say.
I only know that she is gone.
And so, without her fair, firm stride,
the earth stands still.
Trapped without sun
without ice
without wind, warmth, wet
without gold.
TaleWeaver, the author’s storytelling, writing and creativity book/game, at www.lulu.com/awhavens
Blog is at www.TinkerX.com
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
This 73 word review has not been unlocked.
This 35 word review has not been unlocked.
I absolutely love your poem. There are so many lines in it that I think are brilliant. The description of her as a “slim, slightly tousled slip of a girl” is excellent. I loved the idea that “every step she took pushed back the globe another way”. That is a new idea to me and a very lovely one.
I also liked your description of her heart as a “mischief heart of midnight black.” I thought that was wonderful – it drew such a picture. I thought that the last stanza was definitely the best, especially the part about the earth standing still without her. That was excellent, because it both referred to the earlier stanza and because it implied how broken-hearted you were. I also liked the fact that you said that the earth was “without gold” – this avoids cliche but at the same time implies that the earth has lost something hugely precious.
Good work – i loved it.
- add/view comments (0)
I love this. Even though it’s sad, as a woman myself, this poem makes me wish I was someones five seasons! Y’know what I mean…? It’s sad but beautiful. I love the fact that I’ve never read anything like this before. It’s brilliant.
The poem starts off brilliantly. It is fast paste, and puts me in the moment right away. Maybe start another stanza when you write: Her honey hair swirled clockwise (?) I also think it is “tanned” face (not tan) though I’m no expert. I really liked the progression of summer winter spring fall, but I was just wondering why you went in that order? Just curious. Or why the sudden shift from ‘her’ to ‘I’ in the fall stanza? enjoyed the piece.
Outstanding. I’m not much of a fan for poetry, but this is great. You could also post it in the lyrics section… this could be quite a grand song.
The concept alone is genius.
I’ll definitely be reading more of your work.
On the favorites list this goes.
September 20, 2006
Deleted User
Oh, but this is beautiful and sad and well written and clear and concise and lovely all at once…......
Nicely done. I love the verse and the flow of this piece. I leave it up to others to find any technical issues but this is a special piece no matter all else.
My favorite lines?
When, then, did she find time
to die?
Between the sun and wind there is no crack.
Between the ice and breath?
I cannot say.
Thank you, I enjoyed the read.
~D. Marlar
amazing imagery and description.
“Summer lived in her tan face,
the bowls of her cheeks held sun like soup.”
I love the imagery in this poem. Such a sad, sweet tale. I enjoyed how you invoked the properities of the seasons into your descriptions. Well done!
this is really really good. Your use of imagery is very polished and poignant.
I was confused about the age of the girl. It seems at the beginning when you say:
“When did the slim, slightly tousled
slip of a girl
with grass in her hair and
wrinkled, linen slacks
slide, unnoticed, into some quiet pool
of stagnant water?”
that she is young but then later:
“Her forehead a map of beaches, trails and parks”
it seems that she must be older with wrinkles.
I would love to know the story behind this. It is very powerful.
I love the way you describe:
“Her honey hair swirled clockwise
just a moment,
barely disturbed the grey scum
that coats the liquid skin,
and then
she was gone”
and the ending is very powerful.
this: When, then, did she find time
to die?
Between the sun and wind there is no crack.
Between the ice and breath?
gave me goosbumps.
I wouldnt’ change a damn thing about this poem. I usually have a hard time finding something good to say when reviewing but I cannot find anything bad to say about this. I’m giving it a 10
Showing 1 - 10 of 14
Next →
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
