Short Story / I am Old
I am old; I’ve existed for so long I can’t even remember where it all started. I was here long before Father Time wrote the first words in his endless book. I taught Death how to send his first soul through the great loop. I raised Mother Earth from infancy into womanhood. When she bore her daughter Gaia I helped her plant the stream of life.
But I’m tired; it’s hard living so long. I know that one day it might end. I’ll be ready long before that day reaches me. I’ll be around long after the one God goes away and all the others after him turn to dust. I’ll see Father Time make his final entry and close the endless book. I’ll be the one to send Death through his own great loop. My hands will lay Mother Earth and Gaia to rest in their precious soil. I often wonder who will lay my remains to rest after I’m gone the only thing that I am certain of is this. I am old.
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I like it. It’s very short, but the length almost seems to lend itself to the message. I like the way that the first sentence is the same as the last. Not much I can say to criticize. Good job.
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I liked this, but don’t understand why it was written? It seems like a short descriptive paragraph for a writing class. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good but what will you do with it?
Interesting read. I like the premise and idea of the story but there was something about the execution that didn’t click. The references to Gaia was very clever as well as Death and the loop but the writing seemed to be missing something. It may just be the story is so short that it didn’t reel me in. Either way, you’re off to a good start.
The last line needs to end after gone and a new sentence start with, “The only thing…
Should be called, “The Vampire’s Lament”. Wouldn’t it be horrible to see this happen? Nice short story.
This is a deep and brilliant peice ,The claim to be older than time and eternal is just raw. I loved I’ll be the one to send death through his own great loop. Ballsy shit .
I like the feel of this, ancient, spiritual… ”I raised Mother Earth from infancy into womanhood.” I thought that line was brilliant… after reading I actually stopped and had a wow moment.
“But I’m tired.” So much feeling in those little words. Very poignant message.
“I know that one day it might end”. I have a problem with the word might. Up until this point the narrator’s tone has been all knowing… god like, to say the word “might” leans towards an uncertainty that this ‘being’ shouldn’t have. I’m not sure about the line “I’ll be the one to send Death through his own great loop.” I like the meaning, but in this short of a piece I wouldn’t reuse the phrasing “great loop”. I’d think of another symbolic way to say that the narrator would be doing death’s job for death itself when the time came.
Did you leave out a period in the next to last line? It seems awkward to me. Maybe make a break between gone and the…or maybe a comma… something.
I enjoyed reading it, thanks.
Nice concept but ultimately how many levels of ‘one and only’ can we have. If there is only one god as your text says are you not therefore implying he/she is the overal creator you describe ?
If ‘you’ encompass everything that is then how could you have remains and where would exist after ‘you ’ turn the light out ?
As I said good idea, nicely written but not memerable enough if yo understand what I mean.
Best wishes
no errors worked well would need to be longer to get a ten from me but close
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