Novel Treatments / "The Theatre" - Prologue
PROLOGUE
On the peak of a grassy plateau the young man sat staring at the windswept terrain that stretched for miles below him. Far into the distance was the edge of the widest desert known to man. From this elevation, the boy could see where the ground steadily began to level out into a dry rocky expanse where little foliage grew. The horizon was clearly visible from where the boy sat, and the sun was already setting, casting an amber glow across the patches of golden-brown grass and the bare sandy soil that seemingly stretched out to reach the sun itself. The desert had not seen rain for many years, and it clung to the life that flowed from a slender river near the base of the plateau. A mild breeze brushed against the grass and gently glanced the boy’s golden hair as he rested on the edge of the plateau. The touch of wind had never left that spot, and the boy assumed it probably never would.
He often visited this lonely place in the afternoons as he did now, relaxing in the refreshing breeze. The air was never humid, and rarely did it ever get too warm, for the desert‘s edge, although dry, was still cool.
Soon, the boy feared, this dry, arid region to the west would begin to overtake the remnants of the grasslands. If so, there would soon be only dry earth to rest upon in the afternoons.
In many ways, the desert was like the city. The same stretch of hopeless expanse. Both threatened to spread over time, covering the blankets of grass and choking the spruces and pines until all was barren and dry. But which of the two would win? Dirt or rust? The boy saw no difference.
Leaving the sun to set beyond the sand, the boy scrambled to his feet and began his descent to the base of the hill.
By nightfall he had reached his destination. The ancient city of stone knew none but the boy, and none knew of it save for him. Centuries had passed since its last inhabitants had died.
The boy sprinted as his camp came into view.
There was a large stone church with paned glass of all colors and copper-tinted doors that creaked when pulled open. Candles still stood in slender pewter frames in each windowsill, fragile things that were no more than dust to the touch of a hand or a strong breath of wind. Fragments of rags hung where satin draperies once did.
After a day of exploring the labyrinthine ruins, the boy was ready for some sleep. His tired legs stretched out between the quilts scattered in the rear left-hand corner of the sanctuary. Perhaps tomorrow he would eat breakfast early and complete his journey home by midday.
With a start he threw off his cover and tore towards the front of the sanctuary, past the pews in the aisle under the great crystal chandeliers. He had forgotten to check on them. He had only just noticed them this morning, the visitors. What if they hadn’t left yet?
He reached the stone dais out of breath. A pair of spectacles rested, perfectly centered on the face of the dais. The boy stood on the tips of his shoes and picked the glasses up gingerly. Unlike the rest of the artifacts in the hallowed building, the glasses weren’t covered in dust, for the boy had carefully cleaned them earlier that day.
Without hesitation the boy held the glasses up to his eyes and scanned the pews before him, stricken with awe.
They had not left.
Forgetting to carefully center the glasses as he had done before, the boy slid them back across the dais and warily hopped down from the stage. He snuck back across the room to his camp, examining every pew along the way. After one last look across the room, he was satisfied.
The young man was soon asleep under his blankets, dreaming not of deserts and rivers near the peaceful grasslands, but of long stone halls, silent whisperers, and of watchful eyes which he could not see.
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Excellent descriptions and very good job at giving substance to the boys thoughts without going into dialogue. I would have liked a little more description of the character though as the prologue it isn’t strictly nessecary. Not sure how this is in the fantasy genre from the portion you’ve given here but either way it seems an excellent start. Keep up the good work and best of luck to you.
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September 10, 2006
Deleted User
Excellent writing. Not many folks have your command of varied sentence structure, and your word choice is just about impeccable.
I saw only one sentence that could really be improved:
“Fragments of rags hung where satin draperies once did.” The verb at the end is a bit weak -- if you use “hung” there, you might use something a little more active for your first verb -- “fragments of rag fluttered” maybe.
I know you want to introduce a sense of mystery about the visitors, but I felt confused because you’d said that no one except the boy knew of the stone city -- and then the boy is concerned because he’s aware of visitors there -- it seems a bit odd, also, that he seems to want them to be there; the rest of the piece gives the impression that he wants this place to be secret and private.
Getting published is very difficult, even if you’re very very good. I almost always rate that goal 5 for that reason. But I do think you’ll be published someday, if you keep working. You’ve definitely got the talent and skill.
Great job—keep going!
I actually just gave a later review this same advice. You should add more detail so it don’t feel like you are skimming or reading the synopsis of the story. It also will help the reader lose sense of their reality and become intransed in your writing. I enjoyed this and keep it up.
the story sounds good so far would love to read more and found out what is going to happen.
Not bad for a work in progress! I really enjoyed your descriptive narrative. The story is one of the most original ones I have read on urbis by such a young author. I cannot wait for the explanation of why he chose to explore the ancient city? How did he discover it? Why was he alone? What is his Name? and other interesting facts.
I am not really a critic, I like positive suggestions to a problem, or writing dilemas.Although, from what I just read I have no real criticisms, just continue to follow your muse.
Are you sure you are just sixteen years of age? Your grammar is better than some thirty year olds, believe me I would know, becaise I am one. :) Good luck with the rest of this.
Cheers
Great opening setting I hope the boys world of fantasy is also interesting and exiting I hope to read more to get a better idea of what the story is about. Thank you for letting me read it.
This is a very well written piece. Definitely one of the best I’ve seen on this site.
Now, the power of this prolouge is evident…it really sets a scene. But what follows, I think that will determine if you’ve hit your mark.
I hate to give one of these reivews…but when something is on…its on.
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