And someday I will get to write the “Earth” and the “Wind” one… :) I felt kind of bad taking the Selkie idea out of classic myth, but I felt it was a good way to try to express what I was trying to express… All 4 stories will be along these lines, and when the last 2 come out I hope to reada review from you… :)
Short Story / Water
“I want it back!”
The young woman stood on the beach, grey eyes narrowed and black hair whipping sharply across her face as the wind gripped the strands. The cold ocean water washed across her bare feet, yet she paid it no mind. Her nakedness in the cool morning air did not distract her either. She held her body erect and proud and looked with scorn upon the man before her.
He stood with his hand in his pockets and a triumphant look upon his face. For all of that though, he still licked his lips nervously as he viewed her form.
“No…” he almost stuttered the single word, and well he should have because that’s all it took to send her into a fury.
“What are you doing?” her voice dripped scorn. “Who do you think you are, you filthy person? Hat gives you the right to take it from me?” the man nearly shook beneath the weight of her rage. “Fine!” she screamed. “I will go get it myself!” and so saying she marched up the hill towards the man’s little stone home. He watched her as he she walked, but only for a moment before the panic seized him and he moved hastily in her wake. Even so, he arrived a few moments behind her and of breath.
The woman immediately moved to the bed and ripped off the sheets. After a quick yet through examination, she moved to the mattress. She started by pulling it off the bed and examining the underside, and, not finding what she looked for, she snatched a knife off the nearby kitchen table and slit it down the middle. Bits of fluff scattered across the floor as she emptied the mattress contents. Sifting through the mess with her feet, kicking the bits that had clumped together, she still didn’t find what she was looking for. In very short order the man’s home was in shambles; tables and lamps were broken, curtains torn down, blankets and pillows emptied of their contents, plates smashed and everything else scattered about. The man watched the thorough destruction of his abode, an angry yet triumphant light shining in his eyes. Then she turned to him.
“Where is it?” She screeched.
Again, the man licked his lips and was able to stutter a single word.
“No…” he said.
The woman turned bright red with fury, her breath shallow and deep. Yet, even though her anger was apparent in every line of her body, there was a brief light of fear behind her eyes.
“Please…” she whispered and sank to her knees. She leaned forward and pressed her hands to the wooden floorboards of the house. “You don’t know what this will do to me…”
The man fought a momentary surge of pity for her defeated form, and entertained the idea of returning what he had stolen. Soon, however, his gaze moved beyond her defeat and saw instead what a lithesome and attractive figure she presented. Pity was replaced by lust, and the inner exultation that she was now his.
“No…” He repeated with more confidence.
The woman sat very still in that position, her hair drying stiffly in streamers over her body. She closed her eyes, ready to wearily accept her fate. In the moment before she raised her eyes from the floor to offer her surrender, she thought she saw something glimmer beneath the boards. Her hands clenched and she looked hysterically around the dwelling for the knife she had discarded earlier. Scampering on hands and knees across the floor, she retrieved it from where it was half buried under a piece of broken plate. Hurriedly she moved back to the place where she had been kneeling before.
The man fought a surge of panic as she slid the knife between the pieces of flooring. Gingerly she worked the knife back and forth, prying the pieces apart. Gradually she picked up speed and started frantically pulling at the piece of wood. All too soon for the man’s peace of mind, the board was torn up. The woman casually threw it behind her and it crashed into a wall. She barely noticed as her focus was already elsewhere. Gingerly, almost reverently, she reached down into the hole. Her face glowed with happiness and excitement as she pulled up what appeared to be some kind of animal skin. She crooned in excitement and cradled her finding close to her chest.
The man shifted towards the door, hoping to slide out unnoticed, but he wasn’t quick enough. The woman’s gaze snapped into focus and her full attention was once again on him.
“What you did…” she hissed between clenched teeth, “Do you have any idea what you were trying to do to me? Do you?” She took a deep breath and continued, “I would have been worse than dead! I would have wanted to die! And when I begged for mercy, what did you do? You thought only of yourself and what you wanted…” Slowly she rose to her feet, never taking her eyes from him. “You really have no clue…. You’re a lucky man, luckier than you will ever know… had you managed to keep me for a time, and had you fallen in love with me…. When I found my skin and returned to the sea, you would have died…” she smiled wistfully as she walked past him, moving through the doorway. “And now you know I have more mercy than you have in you, to save you from such a fate…” her smile turned mischevious as she moved towards the sea. “Even if, in so doing, I save myself as well…”
So saying she ran from the one room home, down the hill, and dove into the sea. With a strangled cry of rage and frustration, the man raced after her. It was too late however, and all he could do is watch as a beautiful grey and black seal bobbed above the water, dove again, and was forever gone from his view.
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novice reviewed Version 1 -
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Good first line, caught my attention.
I wonder if there couldn’t have been more forshadowing of the odd character of the woman, hints that she is not an ordinary human. It would have peaked my interest and kept it going more.
Lots of action. I like it.
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jlcampbell reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed the idea of this piece. Very enigmatic. You seem to have a habit of picking a word… three examples; “scorn,” “thorough,”(even though the first one is misspelled) and “gingerly” and use them twice within a very short period of time. The story would flow better if you could find other synonyms to not repeat these same words in such an untimely fashion. Some other quick observations…
“Hat gives you the right to take it from me?” I had to reread this a couple of times before I gathered you meant to write “what” instead of “hat.”
“He watched her as he she walked” obviously “he she” stops the reader.
“a few moments behind her and of breath.” perhaps “and out of breath” would sound more appropriate.
“After a quick yet through examination,” this is the first instance of the word “thorough” but you spelled it “through…” common mistake when typing fast.
Overall, good job, I liked the imagery and overall story. Write on!
J.L. Campbell
www.jlcampbellbooks.com
beata reviewed Version 1 -
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Weird… There are traces of bestiality here that make me a bit uncomfortable. But it’s interesting and I wonder what the other three stories are like.
CharlotteMishell reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the description of the woman’s rage. Her actions and her physical darkness (the grey eyes, black hair, the cool morning, & cold water)were effective. However, I felt nothing of the man. I’m not concerned about him, nor do I even have a picture of him in my mind. As a result, the story feels somewhat lopsided. Also, the ending feels too wordy. I don’t want her to say so much. I wish I could think of a way for you to show what she says much the same how you showed that she was desperate to find the skin.
Very enjoyable. I’m going to look for “Fire” now. . .
2JTussin reviewed Version 1 -
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The are some minor errors like “He stood with his hand in his pockets”; hand and pockets should both be singular or plural.
“Hat gives you the right to take it from me?” in Paragraph 4 was probably a typo.
“Gingerly worked the knife” in the floor board does not make sense considering she just trashed the place with recklace abandon. Neither does “casually throwing the board”.
The closing paragraph of her rant really makes no sense. I understand the scene, but her mystical innuendos don’t communicate the point of this story very well. Maybe there is more to come, but based on what you’ve provided, it’s lacking a lot of content to entice the reader to read more.
Awake_At_Last reviewed Version 1 -
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Minor syntax issues. In the paragraph beginning ”’What are you doing?’”, change ”...and of breath…” to ”...and out of breath.” You allow just enough detail, leaving much of the story’s creation to the imagination of the reader. This was a very good read and I hope to read more of your work.
blondenplastic reviewed Version 1 -
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Your word are chosen well. I feel like you used scorn, painc and triumph a little too much though. Also refering to the light in thier eyes could be cut back a little or reworded. I have not read your other stories but I think that this one definately can stand on it’s own. I really enjoyed it. I know of the myth you write about and I believe it to be Irish. Perhaps you could elude to this, to them being in Ireland. The scene where she is destroying the house could be a little more drawn out and you could show some of the destruction more, possibly bringing out some of her seal qualities more. I think you left too much time between her seeing under the floor and and retreiving her skin. Shouldn’t the man have tried to stop her more, especially since he knew where the skin was and that she was about to unearth it? Over all I liked it a lot and feel like you have something going here and I plan on reading your other submissions.
Thanks
Brunny reviewed Version 1 -
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Nicely written, wasn’t sure where we were going till the end which is always pretty good.
Was a little nervious of the guys interest in sexual relations with a seal hmmm perhaps the transformation back could do with a little more to avoid the obvious question ‘How do seals do it’ LOL
Couple of problem words
Hat – What
and of breath – out
to name a couple
would have been worse than dead! I would have wanted to die! And when I begged for mercy – Tense issue would or was, won’t have begged unless she was or did want to die.
LOL still seeing him watch a seal …not a good picture
Thanks hope this helps
Best wishes
October 02, 2006
Deleted User
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I thought you wrote with some very neat turns of phrase, especially in the first paragraph – ‘black hair whipping sharply across her face as the wind gripped the strands’. Stylistically speaking, I thought you possibly over cooked it at other times, using more elaborate words than were necessary in certain places, where simpler ones might have put your meaning across more effectively. That’s kind of an annoying criticism, I know, but I feel that some consideration of this might make your prose flow more naturally.
I didn’t really understand completely in the end. Was the story about conservation and the selfishness of people?
fourtwenz reviewed Version 1 -
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you need to reread allowed to yourself, anything that sounds wrong fix it up, your tenses are wrong, there are periodic words that do not belong, made it impossible for me to finish, keep going :)
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