Poetry / Morning Star

Simply put, this is awesome. The imagery is complex, beautiful, and extremely provocative, and the somewhat archaic phrasing and deliberate wording gives the entire piece an air of haunting solemnity. Portraying such a destructive event in such a dreamlike way is extremely powerful when properly executed, and in that you have succeeded. I had a small problem with the phrase “apathetic empathy” in the second stanza, which seems to me a contradiction in terms, but perhaps this was intentional on your part. Overall, very impressive.

I think this is a good start. Without the commentary below, I would of had no idea what was going on, and even with it, I have no concept of who “we” are. When describing a specific moment either real or imaginary, you cannot use an all encompassing we. It is too vague and the reader cannot identify. Try it with I. I love the ashes of a thousand men, how does it taste? You do a lot to visualize the scene but I still do not feel that you are personally connected to this. Its like a news report, no emotional context. Expand on the little you have put here. This act should evoke some powerful emotions. Also consider using the other senses like taste, touch, hearing.

Apathetic empathy is an oxymoron, get rid of it.

The last line seems like you are forcing this poem to end.

Now for my standard suggestions:

Turn off the autocap feature in Word (it is under Tools)

Read your poem outloud. There are issues with the rythmn of this piece, that when read aloud become quite apparent like in:

And we were then apart of this place.
Covered in the star-dust tears of a million-many
And we had become death-golems

An easier read would be (changing to I as I suggested before):

I am a part of this place,
covered in star-dust tears
of a million-many.
I have become a death-golem,

Periods are like 2 second pauses, while commas/semicolons are about 1 second, and a line break is about 1/2 second. Where your reader stops creates emphasize, make sure they do it in the right places.

A good start.

wonderful imagery. your discriptions and sundry verbage carry my imagination though every moment in this piece. my thoughts meandering between a world of excited and beautiful imagery and, exhuasted through disinterred emotional relevance to our current and calamitous situations. it was hard for me, at first, to find the right pace of your work. perhaps some continuity is in order for your next revision? i’m thankful for your added blurb at the end, it lent relevency and context to the piece and tied in a lot of loose ends for me.  upon the second read-through (and it certainly demanded one :) it seemed even more dismal and bleak (in other words, “successful”). the imagery now coming from an understanding of its rightful context and intentions.

Two ideas that left a lasting impression on me came not from the piece itself but from the after-blurb…

one: ”..and watching the Stars and, instead of the almost in-born feeling of awe, to know that man had now conquered even the creation of things too beautiful..”

and two: the idea of ”..from stars, and to stars..”

both ring true in my book.
and i don’t believe for a second that you are mearly 17 years old. and if you are – my god, good luck to you.

godspeed,
jNiM

Wow!  This piece is really something.  WHile it has a few small errors ( star fall, and—comma not needed), it is well done.  What does “in abstain scent” mean.  It strickes me as a possibly misused word. You have about half your hyphens unnecessary, although you use them better than most.  Also, you made at least one tense switch from present to past that needs fixing.  On the last stanza, the so then is unnecessary and I think the piece would be stronger without it.

This is so beautiful, I had tears in my eyes reading it.
I have very little to critisize or comment on about this piece.

‘apart’  did you mean ‘a part’ ?
Thats all.
you should look to get this published.

captivating. i have to say that this is probably the best poem ive ever read. your style with this piece is surreal. you can tell you did your research, the imagery was absolutely tantalizing… i want to read more of your work, for sure.

When I read your piece it reminded me of the stories that people who have near death experiences feel, especially the part A thousand thousand reflextions. Whatever the meaning I found it truly beautiful. I wish to read more of your work.

About ten years from now, I think I might like to buy a book of your work.  It is apparent to me that you have been working to develop your craft as well as your perspective.  Clearly you have paid attention to the flow within your piece -- it moves well, and survives the “read it aloud” test -- and there is a refreshing vividness to your writing.  I particularly like “death-golems.”  Your last line is a lovely resolution.  I would be interested in learning what you consider your literary influences; if part of your answer is not, “Harlan Ellison,” I will be surprised.

My advice to you is both general and specific.  Generally, I think you can lose the lengthy explanation that follows the piece; either the piece sings for itself, in which case explanation burdens it, or the piece is mute and explanation cannot save it.  Recognize also that in such an imagery-rich fantasy piece as you seek to create, letting your reader be free to build his own world from the tools you provide is no bad thing.

Specifically, I advise you to review some of your word-choices.  Some of your words either aren’t words or don’t mean what you seem to intend and thus become stumbling blocks; examples are “Perfuming our bodies in abstain scent,” and “Veins, and therego blood of a dead World.”

Also, you might want to look for places where you can pare this piece down and remove excess verbiage that does not contribute meaningfully to the whole; the end of your second stanza is one place you might want to revisit for this purpose, and your “Lead-crystal” stanza is another.  You also might want to reconsider somewhat cumbersome usages, such as “Crossing lips of mine,” in favor of something a little more streamlined.

Finally, when you have some distance from the piece and can approach it with a fresh eye, you might want to go over the whole again to see how each of the parts work together to create the whole you intended, and to “tweak” as necessary to achieve your desired effect.

On the whole, this is a piece with very good potential indeed, by a poet of whom I can say the same.  I am glad to have read it.

That’s an unbelievable beautiful concept of turning this thought into poetry but it is sooo vague in your attempt. It’s good you left note as to what happened to catapult this piece.  I find that the descriptions in the blip you gave at the end was much more effective in conveying your point as well as information.  I do like some of the language you use but it is run together without specific imagery and references.  Blend a bit of poem with the info at the end and you will have built a really obscure poem that should be recognized if not for the wealth of info but for the unique perspective and beautiful wordings here and there.

Beautiful poem. I like how you describe the night as something we trespass in to, how it is private and secret. Some lovely phrases: ‘moon-wrought nova’; ‘mercury rivers’ and ‘synthetic stars of metal apathy’. It comes across well, although without the explanation at the bottom I would have been rather confused.