Poetry / DEATH
Blood coming out of my veins,
That is what’s causing these agonysing pains.
I have just been stabbed in the back,
By one of my friends, one of the pack.
I did not get to see them,
So I don’t know if it’s a her or a him.
In this place I feel all alone,
Nobody visits or calls on the phone.
Sometimes at night I just lay there and cry,
No sleep for me I’m afraid I might die.
I haven’t even met the one girl for me,
As far as i know it could have been she.
Who put me in this place where I now lie,
Oh god pull the plug and please let me die!
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This is a very emotionally packed piece. You have done a very good job in describing exactlly how it is that you feel.
The only thing I can see that might help it to be better is some puncuation. Try breaking things up a bit with commas so the reader knows where to pause in thereading.
Example you put
By one of my friends one of the pack
Try
By one of my friends, one of teh pack
There are other places where this might be helpful. I sugest you re-write this one. I really do like the subject matter, but it needs a little work.
Thank you for posting it for us.
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i do not get it. i do not feel any emotions coming from this. i think that you should really rethink this poem. all you need to do is revise it a little. add some detail, feelings, or something to let your readers know what your feeling. it is really hard to understand what this is about.
This conveys the emotion well, but I think you lost some readers when you tried to rhyme it all. It would work better if you let the pain carry the lines, ie.
Some nights I want to cry.
Sleep doesn’t creep from my eyelids to my mind –
I ponder death.
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