Poetry / Beautiful People

I like this piece. Its raw and undaunted. There is meat here that I want to see you build upon to make this piece carry the gravity of what you are trying to share with the reader.

I rarely recommend to work backwards on something but this piece demands it as the best stanza of the piece is the ending. Also, the ending carries the “umph” that you are seeking. Some corrections for you to address:
Waist = waste

And others glorify that more – should be “As we align ourselves with others that glorify that more”

As the continue to gaze – should be “As they continue to gaze”

God job. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!

• add/view comments (1)

August 03, 2007

by Fastboyent

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
280	57.8% (45 votes)	27.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Olathe, KS	December 31

thank you.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This piece is confusing, mainly in that it’s subject seems to differ from stanza to stanza. You also have a terribly confusing writing style in that you use homonyms instead of the word you’re actually looking to use. I’m not sure if you do this on purpose, however your style of righting (homonym example) makes it hard to understand exactly what you’re getting at in this piece. I like the idea behind it, but you really should work on the clarity of this piece. It seems like it has a lot of emotion and feeling behind it, but it’s all clustered into this jumble of words that creates a non-sensical work of poetry. If this is all done on purpose, props. It seems like it has a lot more depth than is conveyed, and if so it’s a much better piece of work than I originally thought, but it’s still almost impossible to gather as a reader.

None of your sentences have any real impact though.  I didn’t connect to it’s vague anger.

I really like this… a lot, in fact. I like the last stanza the best.

_Supid people
Beautiful bodies
But stupid minds_

I saw what some other people said, about trying to say ‘stupid’ in other ways, but repeating it makes it sound…better.

I really liked this. That’s about all I can say. You’re a really talented and a wonderful writer.

Great job I think that you got your point across that people hate to see you waste yourlife but when you go out and do something with your life thats when everyone wants tosee what you have done and you feel obligated to make them happy but while trying to make them happy youyourself aren’t really as happy as the belive you are because you didn’t do anything for yourself you did it for them so that you cpuld make them happy as I have said to many before you job well done on getting your point across and you will prosper from writing poetry keep up the good work poet!!

very literal i notcied in this poem. i liked that. showed me somewhat of your opinions on topics such as what you were describing and your personality. i liked the last part about the zoo. i liked that description. you should have put it more throughout the poem. but its still very wonderful. good work.

Actually, some things are exactly what they appear to be, like life’s being fucked up.  It sure appears that way and that’s exactly what it is.

I like the inspiration of your poem, and I like the last lines “Stupid people / Beautiful bodies / But stupid minds”.

But the rest of this is emptiness.  It doesn’t work for me…for the simple reason that I don’t like the bones nearly as much as I like the meat.

With concrete imagery, show me why life is fucked up.  I mean, we all pretty much have come to that conclusion, haven’t we?  We’ve just gotten to that point our own different ways…and the beauty is in the differences and not the similarities between us, and the poetry resides within the commonality of the emotion evoked by those unique experiences.

It would be strenghtened if you took away the summary narrative self-talk and replaced it with imagery.

Hope that is clear to you.

Again, I really liked the ending.  That I think should remain just as it is, as should the title.

The quickness that you used to write this shows a little, but there is definitely honesty inside this writing that shines through as well.  You have a typo near the end where you say “the . . . gaze” instead of “they . . . gaze”

I’d like to see some imagery in here and more details instead of such generalities of thought.  Yet those thoughts are well understood and easy to relate to.

Well, dear, it reads like you wrote it in five minutes as well.  Check your spelling and “waiste” should be replaced with “waste”.  You used a lot of idioms and common phrases.  Spice up your vocabulary a bit, and I think that what you want to communicate will come out wonderfully.

Summer

Not bad for 5 minutes. Your angst definitely comes through. Insincere accolades have a way of eating at you.