Poetry / Murder or Suicide

I want to critique this poem but I also want to address the writer or subject if what is written are true, reflective feelings of a person who inspired it.  If not, I’m sorry to make assumptions.  But I’d like to say if someone ever hurt or abused your trust due to the fact that you are an artistic person, let it go.  Just embrace your talents and trust them or they will get caught in this trapezoid figurine of the mind and unable to manifest what it needs to on this world.  You are talented and creative and this poem is good.  Know that the art and everything else is reflective and once you keep in mind that you are above anything that brings you down and you control your destiny and love what you love, that is all the help you need.  Then your art is always a result of your insides.

Okay, on to the poem.  I like the pacing of it and the line progression from one thought to another.  In the first line you say “On sitting back and looking” and then you start the next line with back.  I think it would sound more progressive if you had another word for the second back, like upon or something so the word doesn’t repeat itself too soon.  Sometimes you choose to use punctuation in the poem and sometimes you don’t, like commas, question marks and things.  I think it would be cool to help the flow of the poem if you put more punctuation in to signify ideas and sentence structures that stood out to signify step by step what you are saying here.  ”Itself” is one word, I believe.  Thank you for sharing this poem with me, I loved it.

wow! as far as context of this peice i have been here many times and can relate to that feeling of mundane and hoplessness, its also one of my favorite things to write about. i think that the overall point you are making within the piece is good but there is a lot of redundancy. as far as words go i have a big problem with that myself.For instence, just a suggestion but maybe in the first line ” while sitting back and looking back…” maybe try retrospectivley as an alternate word. and when i read on you say, “ihave to sit back and look at my life” you had stated that in the first stanza. hope it helps. i love this piece.

That was really good. I like the ending the best, but it was all excellent. The way you’ve laid the text out helps it to flow really well and make it easy to read. There really is no way for you to improve this because it really near perfection.

Good work, it was work of art.

You reflect the narrators sense of confusion and tension in this poem,  What’s the key to true happiness?  Who knows!  I liked the ending, if in doubt surely a smoke will help to put things into perspective or at least take his/her mind off their troubles.  I liked the repetition in this piece,  nice write.
xxx

I like the poem.
But it seems more like you’re complaining more than waxing poetic. Complaining (in my humble opinion) belongs in the “journalism” section. This poem has that kind of grating to it. That’s not to say it isn’t good – but bad things first:
1. I feel that if you are going to include punctuation, it should be apparent throughout the whole poem.
2. When you say “But who really knows until the future plays
It self out” may I suggest changing “it self” to “itself”?
3. In the line “There is no reason why I should be this way
I quit
Never become a writer or any other artist.”  I don’t agree with quitting at all. IF you truly feel this way (emphasis on if), then why did you write it? However, if that’s not how YOU feel, but the way someone else feels (ie, a character in the book that inspired this piece), then perhaps you were simply trying to stay true to them.

   Before you start thinking I absolutely hate the poem, I want to tell a bit of what I like about it. The emotion it conveys is apparent, and I think that makes this writing a better piece. I like the use of first person in this, as well; it makes me feel like you’re letting the reader in, if you know what I mean. It makes it more personal. I like the first 17 lines of the poem. They convey things I can relate to. One last suggestion: Perhaps breaking it up into stanzas would help it out a bit?
I can’t wait to see more.

I just love that last line “God  I need a smoke” after musing about life or writing thats ALWAYS what I think.

very Franny & Zooey

When I read the title, I was expecting a very different kind of piece.  THe way this started out I held out hope that this piece was one that would contemplate the philisophical issues of suicide and whether killing yourself was murder.  Then I thought maybe the contemplation would be to decide between murder and suicide.  But when I finished, the title seemed completely unfitting.  This piece seemed to start stronger than it finished.  I liked the flip of the line “It is still fresh in my head”  The reuse of those words was very nicely used.  Yet then the poem seemed to go downhill.  It lacks in detail.  Perhaps by being vague you thought that would open it up to making it easier for more people to relate.  I don’t know if you had any such intentions, but if those were your intentions, it had the opposite effect.  Details make the narrator more human.  What does the narrator write or paint?  What did the narrator do?  How was the narrator hurt?  We all experience pain, but none of us experience it for no reason.  Somewhere there is a source or a cause.  We can’t relate to this because there is no cause or reason; it’s simply vague.  Perhaps if you went into the feelings.  What exactly does the hurt feel like, then we could relate it to our hurts.  But as it stands, this seems more like the outline for your poem.  You have an idea.  You have emotion.  It just isn’t fully expressed for the reader.  That last line of “God I need a smoke” could have been the writer giving up on doing the hard part of being an artist.  The part of going in and flushing out the emotion with detail or imagery or technique or just taking the time to develop this piece of work.  It is called work because it takes work.

Here you are able to give me raw emotion and It’s straight forward. I think you could describe this guy a little bit. Overall I like it, just a little bit more od detail. Keep it up!

Deep.  That’s all I can really say keep writing thank you for letting me read it.

Funny way to end it.  But, I’m feeling you here.  Your works of poetry or art are born out of who you are, and sometimes the criticism can be overwhelming.  I’m learning to try and not let it get to me, to not take it too personally, although it’s not easy.  Be courageous!  Obviously, through this piece you WANT to proceed…DO IT!  And let the criticism nudge you forward, not stop you in your tracks.

Summer