Short Story / Steelnose
The boy had become a preacher.
They said when the stool was kicked out from under him a little bit of Steelnose died and a little bit of Steelnose was reborn. The rope was thick and could support 700 pounds but it snapped like a stalk of corn, Steelnose had hung for a breath or two before he fell to his knees, scrabbling around for air. He was lucky that the hangman had been told to let him dangle. They had called for a new rope, Steelnose still lying on the floor panting like a landed fish.
They took Steelnose back to the cell and he sat and watched as they rebuilt the gibbet. When they brought him out again he was shaking violently and taking huge gulping breaths of fear. A voice cried out “He’s hanged once! Let him be”. But they strung him up again. Steelnose had the pleasure of taking his last breath for the second time. The hangman kicked out the stool. The boy’s body fell and jerked hard at the end of the rope, he swung once and then with a mighty crack the old cross beam split in two, sending Steelnose crashing to the floor. He lay gasping, picked out in the dust by a shaft of sunshine that punched through the clouds.
The town’s priest hauled him up.
“God had plans for you, my boy” he murmured, before turning to the crowd and bellowing, “I am taking the boy, he is blessed and he has much work still to do on this earth”. No one stopped them as they walked away.
After that Steelnose became the town’s preacher and people came from far and wide to touch his hand and listen to his hoarse voice whisper the words of God. They say that sometimes the new part of Steelnose took over and his eyes lit up and words tumbled out of his mouth that touched you to your very core, striping away the flesh from your bones, leaving you exposed.
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I think this is a good start to something much longer. I am wondering how a 700 pound boy didn’t break the stool though. You have left many questions unanswered that I am sure all of your readers will want to know. Such as: What did he do to deserve a hanging in the first place? What age is this boy? Was it his weight or gods will that actually saved him from the noose not once but twice? How did he get to be 700 pounds? Is he made of steele? What is so mystical about his teachings?
Tigra
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It was good. I loved it when you said that he was taking his last breath for a second time. Wow. It was brilliant! But, to be honest, I didn’t quite understand the point of the story.
“striping away the flesh from your bones, leaving you exposed.” Do you mean this literally or figuratively? One has to be careful when waxing figuratively.
I would make this clear. Does the flesh actually come off or no?
I like this. Besides the last line it is beautifully scripted. The hanging scene was written in a believable manner. You should pursue it and see what happens. Sandi
This character has alot of potential with that background, I’d encourage you to go further with it. I’d tinker with this section just a little bit, edit it for puncuation and remove the first line leading right into the action. You have more than on run-on sentence, using commas where you should have a period or two. Give the reader an idea of the setting—time and place this occurs in and so on.
This post raises questions about Steelnose. What did he do to deserve being hanged? With that background, what kind of a preacher is he? I can see lots of potential as the good and bad in him tussle for control, even after having been spared the noose. Good job!
This could definitely turn into something more. I’d like to see the events unfold a little more slowly. Also, some background would be great for Steelnose. What was his crime?
My curiosity is aroused. I’d like to know more about Steelnose. What’s he being hanged for? What kind of person is he? Who is the priest who takes him away? Tell me more. I’d definitely like to see you take this farther and expand on this character.
Technically speaking, there are a few grammatical issues that should be cleared up. As an example, the second sentence of the second paragraph is a run-on. You should use a semicolon after “corn” instead of a comma.
Getting back to the good stuff, I’d say you have quite a way with words. Your phraseology is top notch. I especially like “panting like a landed fish” and “picked out in the dust by a shaft of sunshine that punched through the clouds.” These succinct descriptions help the reader visualize what’s going on without wasting too much time and space with laborious detail. Well done.
Like I said before, I’d like to see this expanded upon and look forward to reading a longer version.
i dislike that you tell in the beggining that the boy became a preacher.
you are correct in that this story should be persued there is so much more you can tell.
1)what did he do to deserve hanging
2)why was he called steelnose
3)was their any previous relationship between steelnose and the preacher
4) perhaps when he hangs does steel nose get any visions or messages from god
5 does he regain the respect of the town after he has trained in the priest hood.
i enjoyed reading the story over all and will be looking to read more in the future hopefully
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