You are probably right on elaterium. I don’t think there is a better word than formication. Cartharsis is a simple concept that should be understood by all artists because aristotle pretty much justified art and religion with that word alone. I also like to think that people look up words they don’t understand and go back to the poem. Like a cadence that catches the ear of a composer who then looks for the sheet music to gain insight into the beauty he has found. Writing for me is often about recording beauty, forgetting what it is so you can find something new. I learn words and faces only to forget and start again. It makes art seem like it lives outside the canvas.
Lyrics / Formication Woman Blues
well I used to have some friends whose company could be taken without water
But now there gone and when I turn too quickly
the blue devils put something in the corner of my eye that isn’t there to see
I am like everybody else when I am alone
thinking those thoughts you get when you are lonely
but you know they stop and terror usurps when there is something drawing circles on my knee
well there ain’t no satisfaction
when it’s a formication
crawling on you
I don’t care what you do
yes when it’s a formication crawling
crawling all over you
you’ll find no satisfaction
I don’t care what you do
Well in this blighted field of dreams there is a catharsis
but it was triggered by an unfeeling cold crescent
my elaterium disembogued after my stalks and fruit were split and bent
entrails and unwanted new souls
are the results of pleasure without consent
yeah well delirium tremens
you know its got you when that insect orchestra begins
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Harmony reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to get my dictionary out to understand exactly what you are saying…I’d be interested to hear what kind of music you would sing, scream, shout or rap it to. My best guess would be hard alternative with a pulsing guitar. It is an interesting read but it seems as though you may be working too hard in the vocab department. Perhaps you are an honors english student but the standard comprehension is in my opinion a bit lower…(or maybe I just want to believe that since there were more than one word that this honors english student didn’t understand)
I do like the “blighted field of dreams” part…
Keep on writing
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Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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I see where your going with this. May I suggest choosing words more likely to be understood by the general public. (formication,catharsis,elaterium, and tremens, these words fit their intended meaning, but your audiences understanding will be narrowed down to just a few English majors.
hesir reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay… I had to come back to this…
There are actually some good lines in this.
I love:
“yeah well delirium tremens
you know its got you when that insect orchestra begins”
“insect orchestra” is genius imagery…
“my stalks and fruit were split and bent” equally so…
Elsewhere stuff seems a little confused, or over complicated…
“well I used to have some friends whose company could be taken without water”
Shouldn’t that read “whose company couldN’T be taken without water”... it makes them sound a little harsher/edgier. Unless you are talking about easy-to-chew drugs here, then I guess I’m just not picking up on that…
Bits of the whole remind me of the lazy blues/jazz of Tom Waits and other parts of the clever potty-mouth rants of Steve Tyler in his early (pre-dull as piss-film-ballad days)...
Love the use of Formication in lyrics but I have no idea why you didn’t go for “the formication that follows fornication” option or something similar…
Anyway, not sure what you were hoping for in the way of a revue, but here it was.
h.
Oh and as for “elaterium disembogued”, way to clever and damn hard to sing I imagine… and the fact you truncated the latin for squirting cucumber to one word leaves it ambiguous, as it could be the drug and not the fruit you are talking about – laughs.
wblovebug reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow at the very least a great use of vocabulary but I dare say in my opinion the message would be clearer without it. The blues are meant to be deep, heartfelt and rhythmic and I felt that your piece was a little bit to witty and wordy if that makes any since at all.. Dont get me wrong, I did enjoy your work especially the very first line.good job.
Reveleson reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not quite sure I understand these lyrics…perhaps, it would make more sense to me with music. I do like the line,
‘Well in this blighted field of dreams there is a catharsis’
I love blues….I guess this is a little more intelligent than I normally consider the blues.
nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think as poetry this would work but as lyrics it is over complicated, unless you have worked out how your going to sing it, vocally in singing I can’t see catharsis being a word understood by Joe public and I can’t imagine singing it as well as trying to sing usurps,delerium tremmens, elaterium and disembogued.
As a poem this definately works in that the narrator is telling of a single person being worried about being alone, but at the same time they don’t want to feel forced to have one night stands, but if the narrator doesn’t have the odd one (which the narrator doesn’t enjoy really) you feel like you won’t fit in. Also alchol is a factor in your decisions when to have them but later you regret them, I’m also unsure with verse 4 if this is actually about being raped and ending up pregnant as a result and the hatred you feel towards the perpertrator and child of perpertrator.
A bit to strong for lyrics but a well written piece imo
typo’s there gone-their gone
zachd reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, you have an excellent vocabulary, but it might be a bit complicated for a blues song. Generally speaking, blues singers keep it simple and to the point. Don’t get me wrong though, I thought it was excellently written. i especially like the last bit: Well in this blighted field of dreams there is a catharsis but it was triggered by an unfeeling cold crescent
my elaterium disembogued after my stalks and fruit were split and bent
entrails and unwanted new souls
are the results of pleasure without consent. This I thought was especially good. Keep it up.
runnerchick2 reviewed Version 1 -
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I am a big sucker for the blues and I could actually hear music playing in the backround while reading this piece. I did however have to get a dictionary to find some of the words. I loved your diction, and think this is a very good piece. You tried and succeeded. great job.
Rac reviewed Version 1 -
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I often use big words, but i actually had to look up a few in this song.
It’s very well written, and flows nicely from beginning to end.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Sheniqua reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like it I like the part that says aint I say that word a lot to but at parts I was a little confused but maybe that was just me.
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