ing does not add anymore syllables lol
Haiku/Senryu / Wife in the shower
Dark hair cascading,
meeting the elegant arch,
of her gleaming back.
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CA reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really nice example of haiku. The poem is focused on a single image, and it is a striking one. I have no criticism to offer, great job!
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maken reviewed Version 1 -
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Haikus are amazing. You managed to portray sexual images, while showing respect and admiration. The repetition of “ing” endings is a powerful way to tie the poem together.
onlywish reviewed Version 1 -
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I would drop the ing in the first, second and third sentence. When you write haiku in English it’s not always possible to follow the 5-7-5 format. If you can get the thought and meaning across with less words go for it and say the integrity of the haiku. (easy to say not easy to do) but this haiku can be changed without sacrificing the original message. You have a good poem here and the meaning is fine. It just needs refining.
my example
auburn hair cascades
highlight the elegant arch
of her gleaming back
NukeDukem reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t know about this, it’s as if you are sending a nude pic of your wife. Does she know about this?
momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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New to Haiku but I do like this one..very romantic.
ConquerorWorm reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this haiku… If I had not realized that it was a haiku, I would have encouraged you to keep writing. Great description.
visualdichotomy reviewed Version 1 -
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“Cascading” is such an elegant word, isn’t it? As for the rest of the poem, I wouldn’t be able to guess why her back was gleaming without the title. It wouldn’t do to stand without the title, I think.
thewritecareer reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it is a beautiful image.
The dark hair, the arch, her back – each with its’ own sentence.
Nicely done
Laid_Back_Lioness reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a wonderfully simple expression of love. Bravo.
sangria reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very simple but beautifully put. I miss my significant other now..
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