Poetry / There You Are Peter

This was a very interesting concept.  I like the idea of addressing yourself and wondering where the child has gone.  Wait a few years, that feeling only gets stronger.

As for the specifics of the poem, there was a lot to enjoy.  Your imagery was strong and vivid, especially using phrases like “now it is a dark crimson wing.”  This is a very good image, fresh and powerful enough to draw the reader in.  However, some of your images (see “Another bicycle ride in the rain”) seem to fall short of the mark you set in the first stanza.  That and the “lake of leaves” just don’t pull me in the same way that the first stanza did.  There are feasible images, but they seem over-used.  Let’s face it, riding bikes and jumping in leaves are so commonplace an image related to childhood that they seem almost trite.  Try to replace these with more obscure images, ones you wouldn’t ordinarily see in a poem about childhood… ones that match the intensity of the first stanza.

Also, you quickened the pace of the read in the last stanza, which also didn’t work for me.  It was arranged in way that seemed random, as though you were trying to follow the modern poetic convention (see “e.e. cummings) of these little tiny lines, instead of sticking to the visual and rhythmic pattern you’d already established.  I think your message is clear in the final line of the poem, so if you want to make yourself clear, try keeping the flow of the last stanza the same as those that proceeded it, and seperate “(ever so quickly)” into its own line, broken off from the main body of the poem.  Read it outloud, paying close attention to your line breaks, and see if the poem loses anything by doing this.

Overall, this was enjoyable to read.  You shouldn’t need to tell your reader what this is about… so what if they don’t get it.  If the poem is well-written, they will formulate their own opinions about it, and take their own thoughts and ideas away from it.  No one will ever read your work from your point of view; they don’t have your perspective and related experience to see things through your eyes.  Write for yourself, but in such away that your readers will gain their own experience from it.  With a little work, brighter images, I think this poem will do just that!

This is a lovely piece, full of longing and wonderfully beautiful images. I think it’s perfectly apropos for you to separate your “now” self from your child self, as you are not the child you were, and it’s very emotional when we miss that person we were, and you capture that very well. There is no confusion here, if the reader knows what it is they’re reading. Amazing piece, and you should not apologize if somebody doesn’t “get it”. Just as we’re not all mathematicians, we aren’t all poets.

nice to just have eased it out at “i think we were fast.” a nice openness here, but then, at “now i’m…” it grows tight and locked up. i think the problem is in using the prosaic formula “now i’m trying to get back” instead of indicating this effort with some sort of metaphor… even “i’d like to be that person…” would have kept open the doors of awareness and you could have moved more easily into “roll down itchy lawns”. i think, as poets, we’re allowed to hollow out our own pumpkins of the mind to make our own kind of lanterns in the night. your ending is quite nice.

I.Love.This.Poem.  Excellent job with the images, my favorite line was with ‘that person jump-roping
in the shelter of my rib-cage’, beautiful lines.  I get the after taste of the idea of how kids always want to be older, but once they are older, they always want to be young again.  This poem really spoke to me, fantastic.

  The poem is a nice one and with a little revising it could be a good one. Firstly, I like the first stanza. It is creative and unique. You make good use of analogy. The imagery is quite laudable.

The general reading of the poem is pretty quick because of your short and abrupt lines. It really goes along with the mood of the poem.

I would suggest that you change the format of the second stanza slightly. It might have better effect to put the second and fourth lines in parenthesis.

So much smiling.
(I think we were happy)
So much running.
(I think we were fast)

In the next stanza has three enjambed lines. Interesting. But then the last line of the stanza does fit in all that well with the general outlook of the poem. Maybe because it’s too long. I suggest a line like “his humming: soon no more”

The next stanza is perfect as is. Just like the first stanza it has great significance. It reveals the setting of the poem.

The last stanza I am a bit confused. I’d actually like to know what you meant by it. I understand about Peter – as he never grows up. So it’d be great to hear from you.

Generally, good poem.

Okay, so I have to say I might be a slight bit biased, since Peter Pan is one of my all-time favorite book/movie characters. The title of this poem instantly drew me in, and from the very first line it keeps you reading until the end.

The imagery is perfect; I love the innocent examples of childhood you use (rolling down ichy lawns, bicycle rides in the rain, raking and playing in leaves, etc.). The reader definitely gets a sense of the carefree nature of children you’re describing.

Great work. Love it. :)

All I can say is that this poem is quite charming.It has that pixie dust that makes you smile.In relationships, we tend to outgrow each other after a while and those moments that used to seem magical, become stale with the repetition of sameness.It’s quite refreshing of you to put it in such a wonderful way as you have.

I like this poem.  the roll down itchy lawns is my favorite.  time does go fly and you should always try to stay in touch with your playful inner child.  :)

To be honest, this poem is quite confusing and while not saying thigs straight out is a huge part of poetry, it is nice to have a context in which to place the words.

For example, the first two stanzas almost sound like a romantic relationship, while the fourth and last stanzas seem almost a description of a sibling type relationahip, and the third one seems to be refering to a mother / child relationship. It is hard to discern the landscape of this relationship, but I have no suggestions on how to fix that without ruining the absolutely perfect imagery displayed.

I especially liked the way the last stanza is shaped; it gives a graphic depiction of a voice slowly fading away, along with the relationship, if that makes any sense…

All in all, while it seems a bit unpolished, I really liked this poem!

I’m some what surprised that this came out of a sixteen year old. Not that sixteen year olds can’t write good poetry, but you just seem to capture the longing for youth so well. The imagery of the first stanza is striking. Also how at the end you emphasize how fast we grow by cutting your lines to two words. Bravo