Poetry / Demons

This is extremely powerful and I must saying writing this instead of exploding was a wise choice. This is most definitely a good piece of writing.

I think it’s a good way of expressing yourself.  I’m sure a lot of people have felt that way.  It’s true writing helps when you feel you can’t talk to anyone about your problems or maybe you don’t have any nice things to say.  The ending is good “Kill the reason why the demons were released”.

line 1, should be rapidly
line 2, reword and connect w/ line 1
something like:
through my blood and my bones
line 3, give the evil more action
line 4, identify “it”, using “hard” is awkward
taking hard control of something is nonsensical
try something like:
Hatred runs rapidly through my blood
and my bones
The evil strikes my soul, taking quick control
of my thoughts and actions
line 5, verbose
line 6, “of me” is unecessary
line 7, use more vivid verb than “show”
line 8, verbose, maybe try somethine like
“surprising” instead of “the most unpredicatable”
line 10, awkward, repetition of show unneeded
line 11-12, words like “how” denote a question
instead of sayng how blah blah, tell us how blah blah
line 13, just suddenly using punctuation
doesnt make it more dramatic,
use it throughout, it provides clarity
line 14, “what” is another of those question words
line 15, cliched
line 18, ruins the parallelism, also it’s awkward
why would you lose submission,
are you submittin your will to the demons

overall, it needs more clarity,
punctuation, eloquence and imagery

Very angry and dark.  Could use more puncuation because I think I read it a bit awkwardly at first.

It is much better than hitting someone indeed!  It is a great emotional piece

line 4 … ‘it takes control quick and hard”....instead this is more in keeping with the rythym of the poem..

This piece is actually done well, but there are a few things that I don’t dig.

Every sentence starting with a capital letter throws me off.  It could be a nice way to set pace, per se, but I think that works against your inner demons theme. Also the general lack of puncuation I’m not a fan of here, but that’s merely style.

Also, I’m not sure how much I dig the switch you pull from the first half to the second.  The second half of this increases the speed, which is intentional from what I’m reading, but the lines are redudant.  I would tighten this up some.

“You lose control
lose sanity, submission
You have no pain, no guilt…
nothing but the urge
TO KILL THE HATRED!”

Something like that.  I think by dropping or combining a few lines, you could keep that increased pacing you have without sacrificing meaning.