Thank you so much for your comments. The speaker (except for lines 1,3,5,7,9, and 11 which is the man speaking) is meant to be the “other woman” who hadn’t known the man had a wife. I’m working on making that more clear in a revision. Thanks again.
Poetry / Pollyanna Slut
Counting endless lies like sheep -
a masochistic cure for insomnia.
Strung together like cheap rosary beads
(round, cracked, plastic, and faded)
for twisted prayers that bring no comfort.
Hail Me, Myself, and I full of deceit,
Hail Desire, empty of reason,
I can make you believe anything.
delusion is with me.
Gullible art thou among women,
Insidious art thou among emotions,
and seductive is the velvet fork of my tongue.
and poison is the mesmeric fruit you offer.
Silly girl, Pollyanna slut,
Tempting trap, beguiling Dionaea,
believe me now and let me have a piece of ass.
have mercy on me and leave me the strength to walk away.
You say it so many times the words blur together and become meaningless sound.
I’m not married. I’m not married.I’mnotmarried.ImnotmarriedImnotmarriedimnotmarried
Write it a thousand times on the blackboard and Professor Cassanova might give you an A.
Successfully keep it from your wife and you’ll make the honors program.
It’s funny to wonder about a woman you swear doesn’t exist.
You probably swear the same thing about me.
Mirror imagination figments reluctant to believe in each other.
“I love you.”
No you don’t.
“Sure I do.”
You’re a shitty liar.
© EAO July 2005
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Celainn reviewed Version 1 -
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The ending is a bit weak, but the words running together were very powerful for me, as was the prayer. If anything, I’d like to see it a bit longer.
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alterego reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed the irony of the religious influence in this piece. I do feel that the tenor of the piece changes rather dramatically when you get to “piece of ass” and then to the end of the poem. It runs from a really interestingly written descriptivev piece to a more modern feeling ending. Having said that, I do like the run-together words and the the “It’s fully to wonder” paragraph is great. I may consider skipping the last four sentences all together as I don’t know that they add much and the pull the ending too far away from the flow of the beginning and middle of the piece.
djaden06 reviewed Version 1 -
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ouch, the bitterness coming off this is stinging! Excellent use of words to convey emotions. I like how it starts out relatively composed, and then the meter splits and becomes irregular, echoing the tone of rage building up. Who is speaking? The wife that’s being cheated on? Obviously someone very angry. I also like the way you made a prayer something hissing and painful. Overall I like this piece. The ending seems almost anticlimatic after the amount of rage and use of cutting words throughout. I wonder if that could be changed a little bit.
sociallyxtragic reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was great, you know how to ue your words and put them together. It kind of reminds me of a song from P!@td. i thought it was interesting, maybe could of flown a little better towards the end but all together, i thought it was great!
TERESA reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the first two lines. “counting enless lies like sheep – a masochistic cure for insomnia”. This helps readers know the persons personality. I got kind of confused because in the prayer you refer to a woman. In the line “successfully keep it from your wife and you’ll make the honors program”, refers to a man. Other than that i really enjoyed this piece. Have a great day!
July 19, 2006
Deleted User
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This might make a good short story. I really enjoyed
the Hail Me, Myself, and I full of deceit,
I think that is the way A lot of people feel. What ever this is I liked it.
StickOnTheBeach reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall I liked the poem. I think you communicated the frustration and anguish of the situation.
I did find some confusion as to who “you” is in the lines
“You say it so many times the words blur …”
and “You probably swear the same…”
The freeform is OK with me. I like the form, it is like the subject, incongruent images of who one expects or thinks they should be. It expresses that both in the form and the words. I am still learning poetry so these only my impressions of what I read. Overall it spoke well to me. I can feel what was trying to be expressed.
lazyeyethom reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s always the writers choice to hold back on details, but come on! You are mean for being so vague. Everyone loves to hear about affair, which is what this piece (seems) to be about, but your writing is more like an artful journal entry than a poem for the public. But again, the author chooses how much detail will be displayed. I REALLY liked the part that reads like a prayer. You are definitely a gifted writer and you seem like you have a lot of feeling behind your writing.
black_neon reviewed Version 1 -
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Very creative. I loved when you started to cram the words together saying “I’m not married”. And the ending was amazing too. Very origional, not many people would take such a direct approach and make it great like that. Good work.
Absorb reviewed Version 1 -
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I see your concerns and I have to say I agree with them. It feels to me you have two poems here; I think they could both stand on their own. If your committed to keeping them together you might try two different verses, although the voice in each piece is drastically different.
Outside of “echo-prayer”:
I like the authenticity in this speaker. I might suggest that the author clean it up; take out fillers i.e.
Counting endless lies like sheep -
masochistic cure for insomnia.
Cheap rosary beads strung together
twisted prayers bring no comfort.
Just a thought to make, me, the reader focus more on what is being said.
“echo-prayer”:
Same thing here . . .
Hail Me, Myself, & I: full of deceit,
Hail Desire: empty of reason,
delusion is me.
These are just suggested changes; examples of what I think could be done with the whole piece or pieces. It’s so hard to convey suggestions on Urbis without the Author feeling like another is re-writing their poem, I hope you don’t feel that way here. Good luck with this poem! O-
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