Once all the grammatical and POV errors are gone I hope you will enjoy parts 2 & 3. I have been told that this story is too long for a short story and to short for a novel. WHat can I say?
Novel Treatments / Dreamer
Part ONE
The steady echo of hammers hitting rock, the creaking of wagon axels under a heavy load along with the shouts and laughter of workers only added to the level of noise, increasing steadily as the city began its workday. The wizard’s light, a one-foot thick circular ring surrounding one of the many natural columns reaching from the floor to the ceiling three hundred feet above the city, was just starting to rise. It’s orange-red glow began to brighten to its eventual yellow-white, spreading its light across the city as it rose to the roof only to start its slow decent again until it once more rested on the floor. The citizens of the underground city knew the time of day by the height of the ring and by the length of shadow, for it was also the primary source of light for the city. A city carved from the earth, a city flourishing on its own for two hundred years, though not by choice. A city founded and built by those who wished to escape the coming death and darkness that threatened the outside world. Destruction was all that remained of the great cities of the world and the land in between. Word of the invading army spread quickly for those who fled, gave alarm of what was to come.
The King of the last great city called all his advisors together to see whether they should stand and fight or flee before the invaders. For days the discussion favored to stand and fight, but as each of their sister cities fell, the King took the advice of a lowly stone carver named Brennor Bracks.
While searching the mountain range to the south for iron ore, Brennor Bracks stumbled on a vast cavern underneath the mountain. It was large enough to house all the citizens of the city. The citizens moved into the underground cavern, and sealed the pass to the surface behind them. Many grieved the loss of the sun and open sky but as the years rolled by, memories weakened and the great cavern ceiling overhead took its place.
Two hundred years later, the city thrived with most if not all the people, content with their lives. The King however, was not content. Theopus Hounder, twelfth King of Brenneire, was not happy with the status of the city, nor was he pleased with development of new technology. Long recent talks with Head Merchant Broial, and the Wizard Protune, sent nagging doubts as to the security and longevity of the city and his peoples. His research had shown him the signs, stagnation was setting in, though the signs were not apparent the advancements of new technology were non-existent. A society that does not grow technologically is a society in stagnation. That is why the King was not as content as he would have liked to be. An infusion of new blood and ideas was what the city needed and the only way for that to happen was to send someone to the surface.
Theopus Hounder, king and protector of the city sat in his chambers reading the latest reports and figures on the city. The knock on his door was not unexpected.
“Enter”
The door opened and three men walked into the room letting the door close behind them. Theopus motioned for them to take a seat without looking up. When he finally looked up from his report and noticed the looks on the three faces, he put the parchments down and said, “Good morning gentlemen. I know you are busy and I promise this will not take up too much of your time but I have been studying the latest reports on new patents. Healer Jassun, I want a new report on what advances your department has made in the last five years. I’m not talking about refining a technique or finding other uses for the medicines you have now. What I want, and I want this from all of you, is what new discoveries, tools, equipment, new fertilizers what ever, that have been discover or invented in the last five years. I am looking for something new gentlemen not a revised version of something we already have, and I want this on my desk by this afternoon, no later than suppertime. I believe I have discovered a very serious problem that we must solve before it is too late. Only two new inventions have been seen in the last ten years. I am afraid we have become complacent with what we have here and have stopped looking for new and better ways. In my opinion, complacency is the first sign of stagnation in a civilization. If not corrected soon, this could very well be the beginning of the end for us. That will be all, good day.” The king picked up the parchment and began reading only to set them back down once the door had closed again.
As he leaned back in his chair, another smaller door behind him opened and three more men walked in. “We will see what their reports say before I call the counsel together.” The King stated as two men took the now empty chairs and the third man stood behind his. “Donial, Trask, it is good to see you both this morning, I trust that what you have to tell me is not as serious or as troubling.”
“Sire,” Donial spoke. “What we have discovered is indeed troubling but how it will effect us?” Donial shrugged his shoulders. “The man beside me is an employee of mine who is adept at seeing and hearing things that affect the safety and security of our city. As you know, the son of Merchant Bracks now runs his fathers business. His work is the best I have seen and I truly believe he will surpass his father. That however has nothing to do with why we are here. I believe the Wizard Trask should start.”
“Sire, as you know, my brother is a healer. He came to me about a year ago with a tale about a patient who was having dreams. At first, my brother told this patient it was the only way his mind had, of dealing with a great loss. This person claimed to be dreaming about events that had not yet happened, events that would cause the life of another or at least great injury. My brother followed this patient after a very disturbing session to a place where the workers were building new homes. The man walked to a house that was almost finished and stood there for some time. He waited until a small child could be seen on the roof. The child fell and died. The patient turned away and never went back for another session with my brother. My brother came to me and I went to see Donial.”
“Sire,” Donial spoke up. “This is the man I gave the task of following our friend’s son. He has followed the young man for the last ten months and this is his report.” Donial takes out a roll of parchment handing it to the King. The king opened and began to read. It did not take long before he raised his eyes and starred at each of the men. “This is not a prank? Some joke to brighten my day?”
“No, Sire.” The three men said in unison.
“Wizard Trask, what your telling me is that this young man, Flint Bracks dreams of disasters and then fixes them so that they do not occur?”
“It does appear that way, Sire, though I am skeptical that a lowly stone carver can foresee the future.”
“Skepticism aside, Trask, he has been doing this for over nine months, with no help and no mention of it to anyone. What weight must he be carrying, what a remarkable young man. He has strength of character like his father.” Theopus thought for a few minutes then asks, “What plans or arrangements have you made concerning our friends son?”
“I plan to talk with him festival evening.” Donial says.
“And you, Wizard”
“I have made no plans, Sire. With festival fast arriving, I must study and prepare for the ceremony. That is why I brought this to the attention of Donial. If there is some form of trickery here, I wish to know how it is done.”
“Have your man continue to watch and report.”
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Booklady285 reviewed Version 1 -
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campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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You do seem to have a very good story here. This is your work of art, so I can’t tell you what is right or wrong. But here are some recommendations:
The first sentence has grammatical problems. Here is my suggested rewrite:
“The steady echo of hammers hitting rock, the aching creak of wagon axels under heavy loads, and the hearty shouts and laughter of laborers increased steadily to announce the beginning of the city’s workday.”
The narrative uses “rise” and “rose” on subsequent lines. Find an alternate word.
The exposition contains several fragments. Example: “A city carved from the earth…” You could get away with that if it was delivered in dialog instead of narrative. Otherwise, I recommend that you rephrase the fragments.
You use the word “city” eleven times in the first part of the narrative. Find alternate words. Better yet, give the city a name and use the name in place of some of the occurrences of “city.”
One way to tighten writing is to find conjugations of the verb “to be” and rewrite using another verb. For example: “…stagnation was setting in…” becomes “…stagnation set in…”
You slipped into present tense with “Donial says.”
Period after “Wizard.”
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ByTom reviewed Version 1 -
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Intruiging story. The king fears stagnation in this rather closed society, so he is asking the best and brightest minds to tell him what progress has been made in the last few years. Then along comes a lowly stone carver who appears to have the ability to foretell the future. It brings to mind Nostradamus. I find it an intersting twist that he not only can predict disasters, but can fix them before they occur. You have the makings of a good fantasy novel here. We need to meet the stone carver, bring in some other characters, and flesh out the story a bit more. What dangers lie outside of their closed society? Will this carver’s abilitiies make the king more likely, or less, to send a team to explore the surface? Is this story set in the far future, perhaps after a nuclear war? I liked what I read so far, and look forward to reading more.
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