Poetry / anti-title
the boy with a hole
in his memory
is the absence of time,
a lost sense.
the typical drip
of rainwater to the gutter-
that splish splash noise.
the steam coming up
from your cup in the coffee shop,
making your face cold
and warm at the same time.
the girl with the ribbons in her hair
pulling on your pantsleg,
but you are too occupied
with the influenza of words
to even notice her charm-
her quiet spark of lavender
and the smell of sticky sweet.
i am the girl. the child
with tiny hands and
a ribcage full of butterflies;
dreams of faeries and
a magic castle
in the clouds with a boy
who draws stars into the sky
and feeds the queen tigress
from the palm of his hand.
i am innocent,
and i am free
to explore my imagination.
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It was good, although it is a bit confusing. It jumped and wasn’t focused. I’d go back and fix the spelling mistakes and the capitalzation. OTher then that it was pretty good
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This is a great definitive piece, one to define yourself (if the writer is in fact writing in first person) through. I think your strongest line is
“with tiny hands a ribcage full of butterflies”
The sounds and imagery fit together perfectly here. However, the last line of the first stanza could be made stronger. You obviously have to ability to find powerful words, and “cold” and “warm” are in no way powerful. Look for something else to really bring the reader into that sense.
Great job!
wow. very impressed. when i was 16 my poetry rivaled that of the backstreet boys.
couple of things:
i’d take out the word “noise”.
i think “drip” is the wrong word.”
the line “making your face cold and warm at the same time.” is disappointing considering all the other wonderful imagery in the poem—in other words, don’t tell me, but show me.
the word “influenza” hit me out of nowhere. influenza of words? hmm.
i also think the last two lines are unnecessary.
i absolutely love the 2nd to last stanza. wow.
but now i’m wondering how the stanzas all tie together?
i love this it is gourgeos!
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