Thank you so much for this review. It’s that diseased mind fighting the “real” me (the one who can reason and think clearly) while I am alone at night trying to figure everything out, I guess. And after reading some of ur stuff I can see why you would def. understand this. Thank you.
Poetry / After Four
It’s after four
And I’m down on my knees
Broken for the last time
Or so it always seems
The anomie is waging a war
Internally
But logic and hope are fighting gallantly
They say ask and you shall receive
So I asked to know just two things
What will happen next week?
And does Bugs really care for me?
So important, currently
I’ve never been quite this alone
Without her here
I look in my mirror
And think of the way my eyes once shone
Never again
Is what I swore, the time before
Yet I beg for mercy,
I implore:
Kyrie eleison
I hope it means something
I hope what they say about Him is true
I hope His forgiveness is infinite
And His patience, too
The only thing I can say for sure
Is that I am alive right now
I breath and blink,
Awaiting my cure
My solace and soothing balm of Gilead
My eternity is here, now
In this apartment, in my head
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Alessander reviewed Version 1 -
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You SUCK! Just kidding baby…I like this peice, but of course, I’m like Adam Corolla and can just about complain about anything. So, with that in mind, here are the lines I think can go (without concealing your tone and emotion):”But logic and hope are fighting gallantly,” “So important, currently,” ” Never again
Is what I swore, the time before
Yet I beg for mercy” (Even though I like the Depeche allusion).” There are maybe a few other borederline lines that might be able to be edited, but I know you probably won’t even delete these lines, so there it is. I also think that “Kyrie eleison” should start a new stanza. I really like the last two lines – maybe a period or elipses are in need? I expect a defense of your poem soon…
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kozmicblue reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the way this peom reads. The emotion is wonderful. I know exactly how you feel when you say “My eternity is here, now
In this apartment, in my head”. The whole poem is so raw and emotional. The third verse especially touched me, as I have felt this way myself many times.
I liked the varying lengths of the verses because it made it seem more raw, more emotional.
You are an excellent poet and I can’t wait to read more of your work.
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