Thanks for bringing up the part about the sandwiches. I had not really thought about it. This is just the first draft so there will be alot of rewriting. Please read Jasmine for she is a major character in this story. I would love your imput. Thanks
Novel Treatments / Different Paths
CHAPTER ONE
The Village
* *
The first rays of morning lit the small village to find Mogu standing in the ceremonial circle where he had spent the night. His face was non-expressive but his eyes shown with the light of triumph. There was nothing to stop him from being chief now. He would also take Leyiya for his woman. She would fight at first; her parents would force her, though they would try to delay. A smile tried to curl his lips but he fought the urge. Everything the council had tried to do to stop his rise had failed. This being their last test and rite, he had passed. They could do nothing to stop him now.
The council, along with the rest of the village, came to stand around the circle. Many felt a great sadness to see that Mogu had passed the test and would now become their new ruler.
“I have passed this test as well, council!” Mogu shouted smugly. “You have no choice but to name me your chief.”
Frindal, eldest and head of the council knew there would be no more delays or tests allowed. As much as he and the others hated the fact, Mogu was now their new leader. With a heavy heart, Frindal bent his head in defeat and stepped into the circle. Turning to the crowed to speak, he raised his hands over his head and said, “My peoples, we are here to…”
A clap of thunder roared overhead and as the villagers looked up, a ball of flame and smoke soared across the sky. The villagers all stared in wonder for none had ever seen a shooting star in the daytime. Mogu took this to be the sign from the gods that he was to be chief and ruler. He let the smile cover his face then, and his eyes fell on Leyiya. His thoughts turned to the things he would do to her for rejecting him time after time. He should have paid more attention to the sky and to the crowd as they turned and ran. Instead, he was still thinking of all the humiliation he had received from Leyiya, when a large chunk of metal landed in the exact spot where he stood. The only thing left was the ceremonial rug, torn and burnt.
The villagers returned slowly to the ceremonial circle to find it now a large pit. In the bottom of the pit, a strange object lay smoldering and of Mogu, there were no sign.
Frindal raised his head, a smile on his face, and his hands rose as he shouted for quiet. “My peoples,” He said. “The Light has looked upon us and has granted us a second chance. Mogu would have used his power to destroy our way of life and destroy those who opposed him. The Light has put a stop to his plans. For now, the council will continue to rule until another has been chosen.”
Leyiya, now relieved that the threat of Mogu was gone, walked to the pit to stand beside her father. “What is that?” She asked pointing at the twisted metal.
“That, my lovely daughter is a gift from the Light. To let us know they watch over and protect us still.” The old man looked up to see the village standing and watching him. “Let us not stand here and stare at one another. Much work needs done before we leave. The council must meet to decide what our next step will be.”
Matt opened his eyes then shut them as the wave of nausea hit him. Opening them again but slowly this time, he found himself in the far corner of the bridge. He leaned against the wall resting, trying to figure out what had happened. Closing his eyes he lets the last memories return. He was in deep space searching for signs of the research vessel “Titan” reported missing three months earlier. Warnings bells and a glimpse of a large swirling multi-colored cloud and then trying to fly his ship in the gravity of a planet. Something impossible to do in the best of circumstances.
“Computer, Report!” He called out, wishing instantly he had not. When no reply came, he groaned while using the walls to steady himself as he got to his feet. On legs weak and wobbly, he made his way slowly across the bridge to his console, pressed a button and waited. When nothing happened, he slid a small hidden panel to the right and pressed another. It took about thirty seconds before the sounds of power reverberated through the room.
“Computer, damage report.”
Still no voice came from the speakers. With fingers trembling, head throbbing, and every movement causing his stomach to roll, it took awhile before he had an idea the extent of the ships damage. The computer was damaged but thankfully, still functioning. He exhaled with out realizing he had been holding his breath when manual controls still worked. Main engines were down; atmosphere and gravity were on back up. So many of the systems were down that he just scanned the data as it went by. He turned off all nonessential systems saving more power for the computer and life-support. Long-range scanners were out but short range were still functional, barely.
Turning the sensors to the ship, a lump formed in his throat. According to the sensors, the ship was resting against a giant tree and there were hull breaches in dozens of places. That was not the news he had hoped for and tried to keep the voice in his head quiet. The word “MAROONED” kept trying to break its way into his conscious thoughts. Matt reached under the console and pulled out a remote. Pointing it to the far wall, two small panels slide open and two repair robots emerged. The robots maintained their own power supply and were able to run independently about the ship. Each went to a console and plugged itself in. After a few minutes, the two disengaged leaving the bridge to complete their task.
“What the bloody hell just happened?” placing a hand to the small bump that had begun to rise on the back of his head. “One second I’m in deep space and the next I’m in some friggin atmosphere of a planet God knows where. And look what’s happened to my ship. CRAP!” Matt looks around and knew, because his insides were sinking, that his situation really was bad. The ship may be impossible to fix and even if he could fix it; how was he going to find his way home if he did not know where home was? It was very possible, he could be here for a very, very long time.
Turning back to the console, he was in time to see the analysis from the sensor. No signs of an advanced technological civilization, but as he read he realized he had landed on a world that did not conform to any covered at the academy. With-in the one hundred-kilometer range of the sensors, thirty-four different humanoid creatures were detected. Some, carrying or wearing metal of one type or another. There power readings that the sensor could not pin-point nor could it identify. Which in itself was strange for the computer held all the information of the academy. As an Enforcer, Matt lived by a strict code when visiting different planets. You can arm yourself but only to the level of technology the planet now occupies. With this knowledge, he went to the armory and chose his weapons accordingly. On a world such as this, he was forbidden to use laser or pulse weapons. Swords would have to do. On the far wall hung two blades made in the Torrellian system over one hundred years earlier. He took a thirty-six inch blade and its twin but shorter twenty-inch blade from the wall. The sword now hung over his right shoulder and the smaller blade strapped to his left thigh. Satisfied, he picked up his pack then closed the door behind him. The kitchen was the next stop. His stomach felt like it was ready to eat his liver and there was no way to know what food sources would be available once he left the ship. Starting out with sandwiches, he had no idea how long it was going to take him to find a place to restock; he packed three weeks worth of field rations, then added fruit and a thermos of hot coffee. With backpack on and a full stomach, he walked to the bridge and looked around. He could think of nothing else he could do and hit the hatch release. He took only two steps on the ramp, when a loud “CRACK” rang out and the ship lurched backward. The tree that had held the weight of the ship for so long could hold no longer. The startling noise and the sudden lurch, cost Matt his balance, sending him head first into the ground.
A short distance away, two pair of eyes watched the god ascend from his fire chariot. They were scared, yet excited in being the first of their village that would welcome the god. The two had followed the path of the god’s chariot making their way to where they had heard it land.
“If the god will come with us, father will not punish us for leaving with out doing our chores.” One said to the other.
“True, but what if he wants to go somewhere else? What if he decides we are not worthy and does not want to come? Father will be mad either way so we need to convince him to come with us. If he doesn’t, then we will be working in the fields long after we are married.”
“Who wants to marry?” The other one laughed, “Look! There he is!”
“Don’t look like a god to me.”
Both boys jumped when they heard the tree break and both were stunned when the god fell from the chariot to land on the ground unmoving.
“What?” The two looked at each other confused. Neither was sure of what they had just seen and both wondered what they should do. Rising slowly from where he was hidden, Rim, the larger and oldest of the two stood and walked slowly toward the fallen god.
“What are you doing?” The other asked in a panicked voice.
“Stay there.” Rim told his sibling. “I’m going to check this out.” Rim was not surprised nor was he mad when he felt his brother reach his side. Together they walked to where the god lay and circled the prone figure marveling at his height, the color of his hair and even the clothes that he wore. What really got their attention though was the sword and pack strapped to his back.
“Must be a warrior god. Look at the handle of that sword. I’ve never seen one that long before.”
Both boys jumped backwards as the god moaned softly. Par was all set to run and Rim had already turned when the god spoke. The voice was gentle but the words held no meaning for the two.
“What’s he saying?” Par asked.
“How should I know?”
Matt could here them speak but could not understand them. Putting his hand just behind his ear, he pressed the small implant just under the skin then asked, “Can you understand me now?”
Rim and Par both shook their heads. “Are you a god?” they asked in unison.
Matt smiled at the boys and rose slowly to his feet, said, “No, I am just a man.”
“Are you a warrior?” Par asked.
“In one sense, yes. My name is Matt, and who might the two of you be?”
“My name is Rim and this is my little brother Par. We saw your fire chariot pass over our village and came to see where it landed.”
“Your village? Is it close by?”
“Yes, Sir Matt.” Rim said. “Our father is leader of the council.
“Maybe your father can answer some questions.” Matt replied, as he motioned the two boys to lead the way. As he followed, he studied them as they turned their heads to ask him questions. Their hair was dark brown and shoulder length, the graceful way they moved, and the fact that their ears were slightly pointed, their skin had a slight green sheen to it, told Matt that they weren’t human. The only name that he could come up with was Elves.
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indianajoel reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to the further exploits of Matt the Enforcer. I drew many similarities with Farscape, Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Planet of the Apes, and others. I like the story and where you are taking the reader. My only thought might be the background story of Matt. As a reader, I’d like to know more about what Matt does, the Academy, and the mission he was on and how he was blown off course. I understand the need for suspense and that you may plan to cover these issues through flashback, but I think you could make the opening of this novel stronger with at least what Matt’s mission was and what the events were that led him to crash land.
I have another suggestion—the name Matt is a little too commonplace for a character like this. Might you think of a more exotic name that maybe will make the name stand out more. Of course, Luke in Star Wars was a common name, but along with a great surname like Skywalker, Luke became a great name. So, maybe keep Matt as a first name and create a more stylized last name…
The plot and style are well executed here and kept my attention. Reading this was like opening up a paperback in the store to read just a few pages, only to realize that you’ve just finished a entire chapter. Anyways, keep up the good work, expand on this chapter a bit more and give us more buildup to the crash. I look forward to more. I will submit a friend request for you so you can send me your new submissions to me, without getting charged credits. Cheers!
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Pyra reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
non-expressive – expressionless instead?
The scene where Mogu dies could use a little work. Unless Leyiya does nothing but stare as he is killed and does not run with the others the scene is a little far fetched. Maybe if he is somehow letting her know what he is thinking or she is smart enough to assume it from his expression and turns away, a battle of wills in a sense because he had seen the streak and i find it hard to believe he would not notice unless he never saw it. Its hard to believe he is unaware of the trajectory of the metal…
Starting out with sandwiches – do you mean he eats some? Because sandwiches would be perishable and not able to last in a backpack for three weeks. It is clearly an advanced society that Matt comes from by we are not a part of it. Maybe they can keep sandwiches fresh for three weeks but then some kind of mention of food storage, even if its not a lot of detail can go a long way in the suspension of disbelief. Like the little details about the academy, i just accept that he can use swords just as well as lazer weapons. But i think the scene with Matt and the children is the best. Their interaction is believable and interesting. I can see him falling out of the tree and the children I think you have a promising story in the works.
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