Short Story / The Falling of Love
The smell of fresh spray paint hovered over their heads. A new graffiti mark was made just minutes earlier in his room. Her eyes gazed upon the heart containing the initials T.N. and I.L. His name was Terrance and hers was Ivy. They were in love, the type of love where anyone passing by could sense it. It was the kind of love that brings individuals to a loss of words and sends waves of different emotions to be experienced. The love that radiates from their eyes as intensely as the sun radiates on a hot summer day. It was true, honest, and harsh love, the real thing.
At the fragile age of 18, they had spent the past year with each other. College was right around the corner for Ivy and soon they would be four hours apart. It seemed to be the time to face the ultimate question that every couple must face. Were they going to stay together? It remained the hot topic of conversation, yet the words were never spoken between the two. Ivy believed that if they were in love, there was no reason to break up. He was the only guy she had loved and devoted herself to. However, she knew that temptation could creep up on either of them at any moment. There was no sense in worrying about it now.
Terrance lay with his head on her stomach silently breathing. She stared at his closed eyes and could not help but grin. Seeing him always ended with her mind a mess and her heart melted. An amazing human being in her presence and he was all hers. His beauty flowed from the inside out. Extreme spirit and endless heart were the best words to describe him. She wanted to show him everything and make him realize that he does deserve the love he never received as a child. He had no guidance, no hopes or dreams; only the love in his heart for her.
Ivy’s fingers lightly caressed his face in hope for him to wake. Not only to wake now, but she hoped for him to wake up to life. Step up and be the man no one imagined he could be. Live up to the potential only she could see stirring inside of him
Still lost in her thoughts, she barely noticed Terrance’s movement. Without opening his eyes, his hand moved from her side. His fingers ran down her arm until they reached the tips of her fingers. Their hands appeared to have minds of their own. Sensitive to each others touch there was a sense of playful flirtation among them. Something beautiful was taking place with little movement occurring. There was no dialogue, only a feeling of acceptance and love.
Ivy was moved from her trance when the phone began to ring. Terrance rolled on to his other side in attempt to find it among the clutter. His eyes were half open from just waking. With the help of his hand the phone was uncovered. She closely watched his mouth move as he conversed with the person on the other end. Tuning out the words being spoken, Ivy focused on the butterflies within her. Even after a year, his smile and laugh still made her stomach jump. It took her awhile to realize that the conversation had ended and she was being smiled at.
He spoke first, “Mike wants to get everyone together tonight and chill.”
Ivy tried her hardest to keep from sighing, yet somehow the noise escaped her mouth anyway. She hated this part. Tonight they would get in a fight because of the actions Terrance would take. It was routine and the only thing they ever argued about. When Mike would say that he wants to chill, she knows he means party, get drunk, and fly high. However, she would go along with it, like always, knowing that there would be tears rolling from her eyes by the end of the night.
She sucked it up and replied, “alright, just let me know what time.”
The plan was to meet back at Terrance’s house around eight. Ivy had to make an appearance at her friends graduation party first. He slowly walked her out to the car, making sure to savor every last second he had with her. Ivy wished she was a super hero with the power to stop time. All she wanted was to remember this exact moment. It would appear to be nothing to anyone else; to her it was amazing. Ivy believed that the eyes were the window to ones soul. Terrance’s eyes were intensely starring int Ivy’s and that was the one way she could tell the words, “I love you” were not a lie. She feared for the future of their relationship and only hoped to remember those eyes forever. They made her feel beautiful, like the only girl in a crowded room.
”Goodbye”, and “I love you’s”, were exchanged between the two. They would only be separated for a few hours;Ivy would have Terrance on her mind the entire time.
Ivy pulled up to Terrance’s house short of breath. Her mind was racing with the challenges the night would bring upon her. After catching her breath she slowly stepped out of the car, trying to maintain an optimistic point of view. Maybe Terrance would make the right decision after all the arguments and tears shed over nights like these. Laughter was streaming from the backyard and the music was booming. It sent vibrations along the concrete ground and up Ivy’s spine. The smell of a bonfire was in the air.
Ivy cautiously searched the crowd with hope to find Terrance. Her heart felt as if it would jump out of her chest. She was a lost puppy at a circus full of trapeze artists and bearded ladies. She did not belong there; she would never fit in. Frantic and overwhelmed, Ivy turned to leave it all behind. It was then that she heard her name begin yelled over the music.
“Ivy!”
She whipped around to observe who the speaker was. Terrance had a huge smile on his face; his arms were wide open waiting for a warm embrace. She hugged him back only thinking of how thankful she was to find the one she wanted to see. The smell of alcohol consumed her nose as he rambled on about the party. Ivy felt her stomach cringe from the smell and the thought of the alcohol attacking his liver.
“Come by the fire so you can talk to everyone. I don’t really know the people that are over here,” said Terrance.
Not knowing what other movement to make, Ivy was led to the fire by Terrance’s hand. She said hello to all the familiar faces but made it a point to avoid Terrance’s eyes. She preferred to watch the embers rise from the flames and float down to the grass. The grass consumed the embers and they eventually died out. That was how Ivy felt, she was no longer optimistic about anything. She felt like a dying ember, being suffocated by Terrance’s actions. Slowly dying out from the pain he indirectly caused her.
Finally working up the courage, Ivy glanced into Terrance’s eyes. Her heart sank as it had many nights before. The wonderful, all telling eyes that she had seen just hours before no longer existed. Instead, all she saw were bloodshot, bitter, cold eyes that cut through her heart like a freshly sharpened razor. Terrance observed the look of sadness that had overcome her face. His arm was placed around her shoulder as if it would magically make everything better. Ivy then did something she never thought she would do. She pulled away from the warmth of his arms. Her eyes were blurry from the tears being formed. As she looked up at him, they began rolling down her cheeks.
“Nothing is ever going to change, is it?” she managed to ask.
Without waiting for an answer she turned her back on him and walked away. She already knew the answer despite the promises he blurted out at her. This had happened many times before, the end of the night always resulted in Ivy crying herself to sleep. It obviously did not matter how many times they discussed the topic, they would never see eye to eye. It was his way of having fun but it felt as if it did not make a difference how much it hurt Ivy. She waited a year for him to stop, or at least cut down on it but now the truth was smacking her in the face. It was not giving up; it was merely accepting the inevitable. He was going to do what he wanted, when he wanted to, she just couldn’t handle the heartache anymore. He loved him more than she would ever love anyone else. However; She knew what she had to do for herself.
“Ivy, wait up, let me talk to you!” Terrance shouted from the backyard.
Ivy stopped, leaned against the back of her car, and stared at the gravel in the road. She did not want to have this conversation; it was always the same thing over and over again. She would cry; he would say he was sorry. She would ask why; he would say he did not know. She would say she only wanted the best for him; he would say he knew. Despite how many times he made her cry for the same reason, nothing ever changed. She had to take a stand for herself, her mind, and her heart.
“There is nothing to talk about.” she replied.
“Yes there is. I want to know what is wrong. I hate seeing you like this!” he shouted.
“That is a lie, you know what is wrong with me and you know how to fix it. I have told you, I don’t know how many times, that this would be the down fall of our relationship. I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you, but you have to want more for yourself; you have to grow up.” She said angrily.
“I love you.” he said.
“That’s not going to fix everything Terrance. Honestly, I am sick of making excuses for you. Every time someone wants to talk about why I am sad, I will not do it. I don’t want them to think of you in a negative way. I love you, that is why I stepped back. I caused myself emotional pain from watching you do this to yourself. You have to want to change for yourself but you make it seem like my feelings don’t matter at all to you. If you loved me as much as you say you do, then you would change for yourself. I care so much about you and that is the only reason this shit upsets me so much, you know that. I cant keep doing this to myself. I love you, but I am sick of the nights I drive home in tears.” Ivy explained.
“Baby I want to change. I am just not ready to, you know that.” Terrance remarked.
“I am beginning to think that you will never change, I don’t think you really want to. It sucks that you cant see the amazing person you are and that you don’t need any of this to have fun. Make something of yourself; you only live once so why not make it worth while?” Ivy stuttered.
“That is what I am doing, that is what this is.” said Terrance.
“Well, that is a sad outlook on life, and a massive waste of potential. I am not ready to commit myself to someone who doesn’t want to live life with me in a healthy and respectable way.” She stated.
Ivy looked into his eyes and for the first time, saw a hint of regret. It was too late; she had made up her mind. She gave him one last kiss, wiped the tears from his eyes, and whispered in his ear. “Just know, that I will always love you.” She turned around, got into her car, and drove away. The last time she ever saw him was in her rearview mirror, his hands in his pockets, and tears in his eyes.
They were torn apart by a force that neither of them could see. Two different paths in life were being taken, there was no compromise. Ivy would never find another person to make her feel as beautiful as Terrance had. A piece of her heart would always belong to him. He would be the mold that every new guy would fall short of fitting into. The smell of the spray paint from that day was just as fresh in her mind as her love for him was in her heart.
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You have good potential with this story however you fall into a habit of overwrought prose and a lot of cliches in your description. You told us that these two were in love more than you ever showed two people in love. The dialogue was brief and very shallow, betraying an immaturity in the characters that contradicts your narrative description. They obviously couldn’t have been sooo much in love, based on their actions and choices. You have choices of your own in terms of how to proceed with this story. If you want us to beleive that Ivy and Terrance have a Romeo and Juliet romance, then we need to see it, feel it, in their actions and dialogue. What you have illustrated here is a high school crush, the type of relationship that you think is love before you really find out what love really is. If this is what you want to illustrate, I’d say you need to support that with the narration. Right now there is a huge disconnect between the narration and the action/dialogue that completely undermines this story.
I think this has potential, but is definitly in need of extensive revision.
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July 19, 2006
Deleted User
I thought this commenced really well, and the structure was set up well, I started to care for the characters, and in fact it evoked past parties etc that I had been to, so all of it rang true. I guess constructive criticism is in terms of I didn’t quite understand, or maybe it didn’t quite build the tension between them, ie Terrence’s bad behaviour, etc, it seemed to come on very quickly after an initial set up of Romeo and Juliet, however please take this as a compliment, as I think this is very good writing. Also, seemed v judgemental of his character weaknesses, perhaps a bit more compassion? Not sure, but I enjoyed reading it, keep it up!
This was beautifully written. Your description of events that happened and the emotions that the characters faced were great. Such a sad ending though but I guess that was the whole point, to feel the pain of loss and maybe the hope of something better. Awesome.
No real technical faults in your writing. There’s some reliance on cliches, such as “hot topic of conversation” and vague expressions like “waves of different emotions to be experienced,” but, on the other hand, there are vivid, original descriptions:”She was a lost puppy at a circus full of trapeze artists and bearded ladies.” That’s great!
The core of this passage is excellent also:
“She preferred to watch the embers rise from the flames and float down to the grass. The grass consumed the embers and they eventually died out. That was how Ivy felt, she was no longer optimistic about anything. She felt like a dying ember, being suffocated by Terrance’s actions. Slowly dying out from the pain he indirectly caused her.” But, you really should try to condense it—the image of the embers floating down to the grass to die out is central and should be linked more briefly to Ivy’s emotional state, for the sake of intensity. Try to condense her reflections into one sentence instead of three.
I also want to mention that the dialogue doesn’t seem entirely natural -- just doesn’t sound like an 18 year old girl talking -- too formal. Modern speech is full of contractions and incomplete sentences, especially when it’s emotional. Try to actually hear your characters before writing the dialogue.
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