On this one, I think you missed it. You broke the phrasing on the zipper up incorrectly. They way you are reading seems like the next few lines aren’t happening. It’s very important.
The word choice and phrasing is key. If you miss that, you miss a lot of the drama.
Poetry / Packing
This could be number one
or more.
What the hell, I don’t know
what makes me pack
and unpack.
My love
is in this suitcase
with lacy brassieres
and underwear not so attractive.
As I struggle
(not with him)
(but with me).
My will sounds like a zipper,
breaking
and floats to the ground like
receipts from the hotels
you took her to—more
expensive every time.
I’m weaker
than the trashbags on the curb
with your things in them…
this time I’m not leaving. You are.
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momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice and the one thing I would delete is the dash before the word to.
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geige_meisterin reviewed Version 1 -
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the parentheses in the third stanza should not close at the end of the second line; the two lines go together well and that breaks them up too much. In the fourth stanza i think the word “my” is supposed to be “Mine”. Also, if that changes, the word “sounds” should be “sound”. the word “floats” clashes in verb tense with “breaking” so it should either be “breaks” and “floats” or “breaking” and “floating”.
I really like the attitude of the speaker at the end of the poem; i think he/she made a good choice. i like the story line a lot and i think that besides some grammatical errors, this is really good.
stygmarsh reviewed Version 1 -
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A nice little bag of thoughts! Punctuation changes I suggest:
I think id change (not with him, but with me).”...a zipper, breaking and” to ”.. a zipper breaking, and.. ”. Some spaces ”..to—more..” to “to — more”? Maybe I’m weaker than..” to “I’m weaker. Weaker than..” etc. Also a capital for “this time I’m not leaving,..” hope these are a little help.
ZoeticFyre reviewed Version 1 -
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“and floats to the ground like
receipts from the hotels”
is a very clear tight image.
“My will sounds like a zipper,
breaking
and floats…”
That sound leaves me confused.
“As I struggle
(not with him)
(but with me).”
Nice use of punctuation.
I liked the piece. I like the comparison of self to other things. I do feel it’s a little inconsistent. Are you using metaphors or similies? The work seems to go back and forth between the two. It’s a good piece though and a bit of tweaking will make it a great one.
Michael_X reviewed Version 1 -
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Strong finish – I like the direction you took this, and especially how you gave it a kick at the end (packing his stuff and not yours’). With that as your end result, you might want to re-examine the second stanza and alter your wording slightly (instead of my love “is”....maybe my love “has been” in) so that it not only makes it a little more final in feeling but re-enforces that he is the one being packed this time. I don’t understand the use of paranthesis with “but with me” – I think you can eliminate them and not lose the effect, and it might lead well into the next stanza (which is particularly strong and effective). I’m a little uncertain about your first line and where you are going with it, but you gain some momentum from there and move forward well.
You could probably make it a little more in-depth if that’s been your focus in the past and that might make it more impactful, but overall it works as is with just a touch more tweaking/structure.
April 05, 2007
Deleted User
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This was very good. I liked the love in a suitcase analogy and about the trash bags. It was good.
Daniella reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a wonderful poem about the thought and feeling process leading up to sending a cheating man packing. I like the descriptive comparisons between an imagined zipper breaking and the receipts falling. I like the image of the trashbags on the curb (brings to mind that the guy is trash). Very nicely put together.
joshysbutterfly reviewed Version 1 -
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Good empowerment poem. I say empowering because of the last verse. I don’t know if this was drawn from real life experience or not, but if it was you did a great job at not making a bitter poem. I think the parenthesis could go in the third verse and just have that as a sentence. I like the hypen in “you took her to—more..”. I mentioned that because you wanted input on the puntuation. And I like that, even though it is not grammatically correct, you have “You are.” as a sentence. But if e.e. cummings didn’t teach us that rules of grammer could be bent for poetry than no one did.
Beeshel reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem is interesting. Thank you for the imagery. I love the “My will sounds like a zipper,
breaking” stanza. That one had me thinking…in a good way. I think some of your lines are too long. Such as “and underwear not so attractive” could be broken up like this: and underwear/ not so/ attractive. Then at the end I don’t think you need the “You are.” part or maybe you could say it differently. Show, not tell…overall, a good read.
dlitephul reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good piece that could be great. The punctuation is ok, its the thread between sections that throws me off.
I would like to see more cohesiveness from the second to last section. Maybe redo the first section if not get of it entirely. I also think that there could be a little more emotion, resignation, pain in the third section to really tie it in.
Would love to see it re-worked and a little deeper.
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