Poetry / elemental chick

I like the connection that you make between human qualities and nature.  You intertwine them and bring nature’s qualities to life.  I also like your break up of the poem.  You encapsulate the big picture by starting with “Earth” and then break it down by its elements.  Could use of description and word choice.  I enjoyed this poem.

Nice original and creative piece. You have some good lines that draw me in, but I think this can still be even better if you go deeper. I think that if you change the peom from first person, you may achieve that, ie.
Fire, flirtatious and hot
charms and excites.
Colorful, fickle,
wild, explosive;
contained, controlled etc.

as a whole I think this piece is well written, but it does seem somewhat forced at moments. Perhaps if it didn’t contain the phrase “I am” and instead of telling me what you are, you show me. Again I think this is well written piece, it just seems like it could be better.

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July 24, 2006

by elementalchik

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50	F	Seattle, WA	January 09

I appreciate your comments, and the suggestion to view the piece with out all the “I am”s (or at least without as many of them!)  The title does introduce you to the subject.  I like the piece, and yet I’m aware that are some subtle hints as I read, indicating it can be improved.  thanks for voicing one of those hints!

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I would love to be able to tell you what’s wrong with this piece, point out little msitakes, and give advice on how to improve it. I’m afraid I can’t do that, however. I love this piece as is. It’s very well done.

The only things I could imagine being changed are:
1. “I hold jewels and precious metals,”

Metal is mentioned as another element, but jewels aren’t, so metals could stand alone in that line.

2. “In peaceful union with my friend the night, we give you Water”

We should be I. Both metal and night are not in union with night, so “I” would be correct. Other than that, Earth, Water, Wood, and Metal all use themselves or other elements to make the element that comes after them. Night seems a little bit out of place.

3. “honest and true
Cut me or embrace me,
I am here for you”

None of the other lines in the poem rhyme like the two ending in “true” and “you” do so it’s a touch distracting. At the same time, the meaning and simplicity of the lines work very well, so the rhyme isn’t that big of a deal.

Really, I think the poem is fine as is, but if you were to change anything at all, those are the things I’d suggest. Absolutely wonderful work.

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July 17, 2006

by elementalchik

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Thank you for your comments.  I based this on what I’ve learned about Chinese 5-element theory and how I see it occurring in myself.  If you see each element as points on a circle, then move clockwise, you see how each element supports or creates the next one.   Thus, metal “creates” water – i’ve been told that one way this occurs is by the dew formed in the night.  Its still a tricky one for me to convey.  

I agree with your point #3 – its almost cute, but it works.  thanks again!

July 17, 2006

by Rhapsody

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I recognized the elements from feng shui as opposed to the more familiar four element system (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water), but I didn’t know enough about it to know that metal is said to create water. That would be difficult to express, but you did a very good job. Perhaps if the stars were viewed as metal instead of fire, as their light is cold and blue-ish? Just a thought.

July 18, 2006

by elementalchik

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Stars as a representation of metal element – generally, and as constellations, Milky Way – thank you for opening up more ideas!  

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Fire I am, flirtatious and hot
I charm and excite

This is probably my favorite line,It is a flirty line,kind of exciting,just as you describe.
I like the imagery in this so much,and I like the length of it as well.
It’s like you are really taking your time to decsibe and it gives the reader alot to take in,which,in my opinion,is always a good thing!

“rings of the years hold stories to tell
I have a firm grasp
I reach up high”
This is a beautiful image I can almost see a tree spirit in this reaching for the sky.  I may also make this a flowery review, but I will try to see.
“When close to extinguished,
Nature brings me back”

I may have written this as:
When a mere ember,
Mother’s gentle breath brings me back

Other than that I get lost in the path you take us on to describe our great mother and her family.

really like the pwerful first line
“Earth I am”

oh I like “Magpie”,
perhaps wrap this into “I symbolize wealth and abundance” without saying symbolize, so to speak, make wealth and adbundance and extention of the magpie, (is that what a magpie symbolizes?)

“we give you Water” is intriguing.  I’m somewhat picking up on water in the “mirror” reference and the suppleness of “forged, carved or beat, I still glow with beauty” but am curious to as how metal gives me water.

the “elemental play” of water I wanna see, hear, read.

“When close to extinguished,
Nature brings me back”
        how about
“When totally extinguised”
this evokes the Pheonix imagry a bit more clearer than “close”
Fantastic rerouting to the beginning and the cyclical nature of the elemental forces.

You seem to expand beyond the conventional grasping of the mind and I in turn blow your words into my internal balloon untill it pops with fire and so return back to the earth to read it all again, and the next time expand further!

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July 12, 2006

by elementalchik

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my, what to do, what to do!  So true, “close to extinguished” is a bit fuzzy, and what I want to convey is the totally restorative quality of Nature.  Sadblackdragon has another way to approach it that works nicely too.  

this is fun!

And with the water element, and “elemental play”... a coquettish (but maybe a bit weak) way of conveying how getting all “elemental” and funky releases pent-up positive life force in a big way.

A couple of images that came to mind involved water and earth playing hard together – the force of a river as it bounces and plays, swirling and embracing boulders, trees…, the play of heat, gasses with the metal element and water creating impressive geysers…  used directly they could be sophomoric images.  ”elemental play” seemed a bit more elegant, but yup, it could have more substance.   I’ll see what else comes to mind as I learn from Mama Nature!

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