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Short Story / Purple Eyes (Revised)
They floated and suspended through air; rose and descended through gravity. Colors of blue, green, red, and yellow filled the void of space and time. The celestial bodies were inhumanly shaped, but remarkably human. They were human in way she felt but did not quite understand. Their bodies expanded and contracted; eyes bulged and swam. They had form that seemed formless except for in the way they clung to each other. Moving without motive or direction, they were unaware. The entities never left their swarm; leaving a small fine thread for freewill.
Eyes stabbed cold in her stomach. Shivers erupted inside her spine. She was alone but she could not be alone anymore. She slowly drifted in the seductive tide of their tranquil embrace. Pushed by indifference, her thoughts and emotions were silenced by passive observation. She was watching herself become one of them. There was no struggle, only submission. Conditioned helplessness, there were no escapes, only toleration. She was placing her king down before the game had begun because the game no longer existed.
She neared the colored globe and became suffocated by their numbers, by their immensity. In that place and time, she felt their humanity most. There was a familiar taste of sweat, and hot breaths on her back. She reached for her face, but her hands were sticking and painlessly being pulled away as though they were clay. She let herself be pulled away. Looking forward, looking backward, the beings were everywhere and everything. What she was before was forgotten. She simply became another piece in their puzzle.
Hands, feet, heads, and torsos touched her own. Some bodies simply brushed by her sides. Some passed right through her, sending electricity through her remains. Beings caressed her in such a way that she cried out with sexual arousal. She felt an orgasmic sensation all over her soft ceramic body. Her skin tingled with climax.
If she screamed, the scream would dead echo into the murmuring symphony. They spoke and sang without words. Their thoughts were hers; hers were theirs. Shockwaves of emotion ricocheted back and forth, back and forth. A surge of angst and content entered and left within her psyche. She despaired for their pain, and laughed for their joy. Shed tears for their imprisonment; smiled for their wholeness. There were no emotions, but Emotion.
It was a beautiful dance, and the ballerina was held for only a moment. The door was closing. She was closing her eyes. Bright colors turned dull. The room swayed and contorted. The beings were dying away; she was fading away. The dreamy and unruly world was disappearing. Physical and spiritual freeness were being reclaimed. Coldness.
She opened her eyes. She saw the bodies, but they began to look more human than before with distinctive arms and legs. Their eyes were no longer blind, for they saw each other. They walked, smiled and laughed with each other and moved with awareness. They spoke coherently. Not one stuck together, each easily distinguishable as an individual.
Her hands were cold. She looked down with surprise that her hands were only attached to her as were her arms and legs. Her skin was milk white; hair golden brown; weight of her body supported by legs and feet on the ground. She licked the salt on her lips and felt the oil on her face and back. She was a person. One person. One human. She looked at the beings; they were people too.
And to this day she wonders where the dream began and when it ended. She wonders if she still dreams today….
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Very surreal. i liked the idea of the bodies and how they were a part of her world and she of thiers. even though its a dream, it parallels reality in a way you can look at the world. good job with that.
the thing i noticed is “they were human in way she felt” i guess, there is suposed to be a coma there?
good luck!
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great use of words, you captured the feeling of dreams nicely!
Your descriptions are good too.
It’s very descriptive and intriguing, but I think it’s a little to “out there” for me to really understand what’s going on.
This is really good. It almost feels like an acid trip, but in a good way. And I haven’t read a truly good one of those since I read Hunter S. Thompson. Excellent work.
First thing I noticed which stuck out like a sore thumb, lay off the pronoun when starting your sentences. She, she, she, they, they, they, etc. gets old real fast. When you did drop the device you did rather well exuding nice imagery, ex:
“Conditioned helplessness, there were no escapes, only toleration.”
The story was fairly interesting for an abstract. It would be good to see this re-written and I strongly urge you to do so.
inhumanly shaped, but remarkably human. They were human
**you have to be careful of putting the same word or very similar words too close together. while each sentence is unique, when the same word happens too close together, the reader stops for a pause. just a minor point, but i felt i should tell ya. this happens a few times in here, but nothing you cant catch on the edit.
i do like the peice, it is very in depth, even with the shortness of it. I think this could be a nice little prologue to a greater story, if you ever find yourself in the mood to tackle a book.
i understand that this is a dream event, but still the characters need to be developed a little bit. The girl never has a name, or even a guessed name. The way that you have the characters developed in here it doesn’t seem flow well with out that…well, not as well as it could with the reader being more connected to the characters in the dream.
Intense dream world you’ve painted here. Very mystic, very descriptive. Interesting how in the dream world, she was more “connected” with others than in real life.
Nicely done. Punctuation (I’m a stickler) was refreshingly clean.
Summer
Very even pacing – nicely done. It’s a strange piece, no doubt, but that’s not a bad thing. I like the whole idea of an out of body moment – perhaps you could expand on that in the beginning of the story, too, begin with her melting away, perhaps on the subway or in the street, whatever. I was a little confused at the beginning, but I caught on near the middle.
This is petty, but “Breaths” isn’t a word. Especially if you’re talking about the unity of everyone, then “breath” is more than adequate.
The ending needs a little work. It seems a little “Twilight Zone”-y. You’re better than that.
Overall, nicely done!
September 05, 2006
Deleted User
It was a very good read. It kept me interested. But there were a couple of things that need work. For instance, the first pragraph was a little repetitive. You said in a couple different ways that the “people” had no form. And you said it in a couple of sentences as well. That could have all been summed up in one sentence. It was a very god idea for a story. I have actually written stories before based on weird meaningless dreams that I have had. And I gave it a point. So, polish it up a bit, and repost it. Good job!
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