thanks for your review of this piece and the other one you did, i really appreciate it. your advice is warmly received and i think you defiently have a point. thanks again!
Poetry / Prophecy
I dream of you,
I dream of me,
I dream of how this all should be,
I hope for dreams of you
I wish for this,
I wish for that,
My life exists
In your past,
But you will never know how I feel
I am right,
I am fair,
Shall I die?
Or live for fear
Can this fail?
Will I slide?
What can fix
The shattered mind?
My heart is gone,
There is an ache,
An empty hole,
None left to take
I look in the mirror,
I see your pain,
All of my efforts,
Shall not be in vain!
In the light
I stand alone,
My skin pressed tightly to the bone,
I see this all so clear
Dream I may,
Dream I might,
Dream of you so still,
A fear of sleep awakes
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cece0116 reviewed Version 1 -
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You should just get rid of the line “But you will never know how I feel”, it just doesn’t feel right with the rest of the stanza. The rest of the poem is just very raw. Some of the words need to be shapped more. Since you wrote it two years ago you should have a better eye for it. Use it to reread over this and tweak the words that don’t feel right. Good luck and can’t wait to read more.
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Absorb reviewed Version 1 -
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There is one thing I like in this piece, other than the emotional charge that is woven through i;, “My skin pressed tightly to the bone.” From what I can see that is the only imagery that is present throughout the whole peom. I would like to see more imagery, metaphor, simile etc. The other thing I noticed is the caps on each line. This is a poem, line breaks allow a reader a sense of finsih but that gets taken away when you capitlize each line. Try to focus on where you want a pause in the reading, where you want the emphasis to be and I think this will be a better poem.
Rupert reviewed Version 1 -
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This is plain, and only sounds of a young person’s “love at first sight,” view of things. I can see nothing that sets this work aside from any other “I need you” type of poetry. At least that is what I get from this. When I read the part about the mirror and “my life exists in your past,” it reads as if you may be having an inner dialogue with yourself. Choose a focus for your poem, and go with it. As it is now, it reads as a love poem to the untrained eye. For myself it looks as if you are speaking of and to yourself. This should be the feel of the entire work.
lolle reviewed Version 1 -
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the idea is good, and I like the structure you give to it. However I feel there is a lot of redundancy, specially when you use the same word over and over, like in the first stanza:”I dream of you,
I dream of me,
I dream of how this all should be,
I hope for dreams of you”
why dont you try to make it shorter by putting together the main idea.
it could be:
” I dream of you, of me, how this should be.”
and go like that all over the poem, it might make it shorter but the redundancy will go and you will find a good piece of writing there. work on it, I like it.
I hope you find my review useful.
keep writing :)
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