Novel Treatments / Amateur (Chapter 5)
LaLa Lain is standing on the digital scale and staring with what I can only describe as utter disbelief. This is the fourth time she has weighed herself today, the second that she has been completely naked while doing it, and each time the number staring back at her from the LCD display has been unacceptable.
“I don’t know how I can be expected to work like this!” She snarls finally, flinging herself off of the scale and onto the couch where she huddles into a ball. She reaches to the floor for her cigarettes, discarded there after her third weigh-in when she got angry and just had to throw something.
“If those deformed bitches would just let me get fucking liposuction like anywhere else then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this bullshit all the time.” She continues, lighting up and taking a deep drag off of a crumpled looking cigarette.
All of the actors and actresses in the Harrison’s films are considered ‘completely natural.’ The Harrisons like to promote us that way. None of us have been sliced or diced or stuffed with implants. There are no spray-on tans, no hair extensions, no penis enlargements. There are no tummy tucks or butt lifts. We are supposed to be completely natural. That doesn’t mean completely hairy, we do still have bikini waxes and things like that. It just means we aren’t full of prosthetic parts like the Harrisons say too many of the actors and actresses are these days.
I guess we need some major selling point since we’re not the most famous adult entertainment company in the world. We don’t make the movies that every pay cable station buys or pay-per-view channels buy. We aren’t featured at every XXX theater in town. We do okay, but we aren’t the greatest. So we need a selling point. Hence we are “just as nature intended us”.
Of course that means since we can’t get tummy tucks or butt lifts or breast implants we have to do the best we can with what we have. So we aren’t allowed to get fat or to let our skin get bad and things like that. LaLa keeps her figure slim by doing nothing but smoking cigarettes and eating ice chips. Once in awhile she will reward herself for good behavior by having a breath mint or two.
I was pretty okay in the weight department as long as I was on the cocaine. But when I gave that up because I wanted to move on with my life and I didn’t want Noah to kick me out of his apartment for doing drugs, I had to come up with something new and different. I took a little time and watched other girls around me and decided that vomiting was the route for me. I’m not bulimic or anything, I don’t do it all the time. Just sometimes when I’ve eaten too much or if I’ve had a bunch of junk food, I get rid of it after. And so far its worked. My weight stays down and I get to eat pretty much whatever I want. I have some problems with my teeth and my digestion, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m one of those people who has always looked for the easy way. If I had really wanted to work for things, I don’t think I would have become a porn actress.
LaLa springs up again and marches over to the mirror where I’m sitting, brushing out my hair and leafing through a magazine. She puts her face up next to the glass and begins pulling at the skin around her eyes, stretching and flattening it out with angry little jerks of her fingers.
“I look like shit. Do you think I look like shit? Can you see these bags under my eyes? Well?” She sticks me in the arm with a sharp elbow, all while stretching the skin on her face until it pulls her eyes so tight they are nothing more then slits. I put my brush down and stare at her reflection, but I am more concerned with the lit cigarette she still has in her hand that she seems to have forgotten. It’s almost all ash at this point and any moment I expect it to scatter all over the counter.
“Well? You think I look like shit don’t you? That’s why you aren’t answering, isn’t it?” Tears are welling up in her eyes and I don’t know if they are because she is practically tearing her skin off, or because she is upset.
“You don’t look that bad, LaLa. Maybe a little tired, but that’s all.” I answer honestly. Well, almost honestly. With her standing this close to me I do notice that she seems to have gained a little bit of weight recently.
“So you do think I look like shit!” LaLa cries, throwing herself back to the couch to bury her face in the cushions. “I knew it! You and everyone else think I’m used up and worthless! I’ve lost my looks and you are all just watching and laughing and waiting for me to turn into a hideous troll!” She wails, and now I know for sure that she really is crying.
“LaLa, what the hell? You know I don’t think any of that about you.” I move to kneel down beside the couch and tentatively reach out a hand to stroke her hair. She lets me pet her for a few moments while she cries with her face buried into the soft fabric of the sofa. I can’t figure out what has brought on this breakdown of hers today, but I’m beginning to think maybe she is becoming severally unhinged. Besides this and the fight with Jade Fire during last week’s harem shoot, there have been emotional breakdowns happening at a steadily increasing rate for almost two months now.
Her temper tantrum ends so abruptly it takes me a minute to realize that the sobs have stopped and she is sitting up, reaching again for her pack of cigarettes. Silently I pick them up and hand them to her. She lights one up, takes a deep drag, and gets off the couch to walk back over to the mirror.
“These small shoots are getting pretty old.” She says, completely calm as she picks up my brush and begins working the tangles out of her hair. “Every day its some new ridiculous costume and set-up and it takes so long for the damn crew to get ready that we are left just sitting on our asses for too long. Damn sloppy filmmaking if you ask me.”
She takes a long drag on her cigarette and then holds the smoke in for a long time, staring into the eyes of her reflection as if looking for something there.
“Hey, LaLa,” I begin, but don’t know what I really want to ask. Is she cracking right in front of my eyes? Is this candy flavored peepshow world of ours breaking her apart inside? And if it happens to her, am I destined to have it happen to me too?
She exhales the smoke finally in long thin cloud and stubs the rest of her cigarette out on the countertop. Then she flicks the butt in the trashcan and turns to look at me.
“Yes?” She is naked and getting chubby and her hair is a disaster and her face red and streaked with dried tears and I can’t finish any of what I was going to say. This moment is too intense and real and I’m afraid.
“Nothing,” I mumble, feeling like a total coward. She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t pursue it, just turns back to her reflection to begin putting herself back together.
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Firstly I’m going straight into chapter 5.
You’ve written an interesting chapter but haven’t quite achieved the effect you wanted.
To draw attention I’ve taken the first line of the first three paragraphs. You know them better than I do. What has happened here is you’ve mixed up the POV. Later on down the page you’ve slipped into the ‘I’ or the first person yet here in the first three paragraphs the reader learns about LaLa as a third person POV. That is something you need to correct right away.
Suggestion: use I saw LaLa standing. Make sure everything LaLa does is through the eyes of the narrator. That way you’ll get out of trouble.
LaLa Lain is standing on the digital scale and staring …
“I don’t know how I can be expected to work like this!”
“If those deformed bitches would just let me get fucking
Also what about inserting a break three stars after the third paragraph as there is a change in subject.
Next consider the tension , pace ,interest thing in the first three paragraphs.
Go for ACTION.Then Dialogue.Then Action.
Go through the whole story and try to stick to that recipe. Obviously add in description but do go for Action.Dialogue.Action. Why not give it a try.
Best
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