Short Story / The Artist

      I tossed and turned all night, but the tromping of feet through the house finally woke me.  Yes, it was probably Lisa.  She’s had writers block for the past three weeks and when she has writers’ block she tends to ramble through the house.  Tromp.  Tromp.  I threw back my covers and sat up.  No, the noise was coming from up-stairs, in my art studio.  I jumped out of bed and ran up the stairs.  I inched the door open and peeked in, and almost fell over in shock.  It was Lisa, and she was painting, or at least trying to paint.  All her concentration was on the canvas, which she was spattering orange paint on, I rubbed my forehead, sighed and went back down to my room.  It was a dream, I just knew it was.  NO … it was a nightmare, she had been painting on bare canvas.

      I woke up bright and early for me, which is about 11:00 for a normal person.  I was supposed to go down to the coffee shop to meet Dante.  We were going to visit the museum to see an exhibit on the Pre-Raphaelites.  Dante is a flake, really.  He always says he’s an artist, but I’m not too sure about that.  I think that he just likes hanging around artists, but who knows.  I can’t seem to worm out exactly what he does, he won’t show me any of his work, and we have been going out for quite a while.  He does love to keep his secrets, so I won’t begrudge him this one—-for now at least.  Did I mention that my sister doesn’t like my boyfriend?  She can’t stand him – not that she knows him – but Lisa loves to make fun of his goatee, his clothing, and the way he rambles on about nothing.  She does have a point.  Dante is gifted with savior faire, if nothing else.  He wears his black hair short – thank the goddess it’s not longer than mine, but I digress – and crisp blue eyes.  I finally, after hitting the alarm clock four or five times, made it down the stairs.  Lisa was no where to be found, but I shrugged it off, she was probably typing.  I crept into the kitchen and grabbed some breakfast: a cherry turnover and a couple Twizzlers.  The turnover was delectable, one of Lisa’s creations.  At least she can cook.  I shoved the two remaining Twizzlers down my throat as I put my coat on and trotted out the door.

      The coffee shop was six blocks from our house, it was one of those places that always seemed to draw the artsy crowd.  That morning was no exception.  The place was crowded and noisy, with groups of people gathered around small, round tables holding animated discussion’s bout this and that.  It took me a few seconds to spot Dante’s black-haired head in the crowd, but there he was in a corner table, doodling on a piece of paper.  I slid up behind him, running my fingernail up his spine.  I like to see him jump, and I was rewarded as usual, he almost fell out of his chair.

      “Delilah, God-damn-it! Will you quit doing that?”

      I smiled a cat’s smile, “Stop what?”

      He glowered up at me, “You know very well what I mean.”

      I just shrugged, which I knew would infuriate him more.  I love it when I push him over the edge.  It’s so hard to render him speechless … but oh when it does happen.  It simply makes my blood tingle.  “What were you doing?”  I reached for the napkin he had been scribbling on, but he jerked it away, shoving the whole thing into his pocket.

      “Nothing”

      “Humph.  Whatever.”

      I finally eased myself down into the seat opposite of him.  “Have you noticed Lisa acting weird lately?”

      He rolled his eyes at me, “Lately, what do you mean lately?  She always acts weird!  Besides, why would I go near her?  She doesn’t like me, remember?”

      I sighed, “It’s not that she doesn’t like you.  It’s just, that---well, she finds some of your actions-—amusing.”

      “Amusing?”

      I shrugged, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”  I looked down at my watch.  It was 12:35. “Well, the museum is open, let’s go see that exhibit.”

      After we finished viewing the exhibit at the museum (Which, incidentally, took us over three hours to do, mainly because my companion wanted to analyze everything) we headed back to my place.  All of the downstairs lights were turned off, but we could clearly see the painting that was leaning up against the balustrade.  It was a rather large canvas, without gesso, it sported three orange vases on its pristine surface.  The orange paint looked vaguely familiar … damn Lisa, she had been in my studio!  I had thought it was a dream.  I would have sprinted up the stairs to ring her neck if not for Dante.  He started spouting the most atrocious speech about the ambiance of the piece, and what a clever artist I was.  Stupid idiot, like I wouldn’t gesso the freaking canvas before I started painting!  I have my moments, but I’m not that stupid.

      “Del!? Did you hear anything I just said?”

      I scrunched my forehead together, “Huh?”

      “I asked you why you didn’t sign it?”

      “Sign it … but…” I looked up and caught Lisa peaking over the stairs, “Well, I’m not done with it.”

      Dante looked puzzled, “What aren’t you done with?  I thought the pots were setting on snow?”

      “They’re vases, and they are, but I have to … to shade the snowflakes.”  Shade the snowflakes, what the hell.

      Dante beamed down at me, “You are so brilliant!”

      I caught Lisa’s eyes when she was finished rolling them and huffing, and made a cutting motion at my neck.  Scram.  Then I grabbed Dante’s arm and pulled him down to my room.

      Dante was still gushing on about the painting as I pulled him into my room and shut the door.  Distraction—-I needed a distraction!  That was when that napkin he had been doodling on this morning sprang into my mind.

      “Now, Dante dear, about that note you were writing this morning.”

      He turned a bright shade of red, very becoming. “Um—-what note”

      I tapped my foot impatiently, “You know very well what note.”  Somehow I knew he would not be very forthcoming, so I simply tackled him.  I have found that it is something easier to take what you want when the one you are taking it from is otherwise occupied.  So I simply tickled him until he fell over with laughter, took the note, then rolled off of him and opened up the crumpled up napkin.  It contained quite intricate plans for the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.  It was a band with what appeared to be mourning glory vines covering it, a morning glory blossom composed of gems crowned its top.  To the sidelines was a little quote, “Mon Coeur Est Tout A Toi.  Garde Le Bien Pour Moi.” 1

      “That is what I was going to inscribe inside the band,” Dante whispered into my ear.  “Do you like it?”

      “I … I love it.”  I turned my head toward him, “You were going to have it made … for me?
“Yes … I was going to make it for you, for your birthday.”  His face fell. “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

      A grin inched onto my face, “I’ll act surprised, I promise.” Then I hit him lightly on the shoulder.  “Why didn’t you tell me you did silver-smiting?  I was beginning to think you were just a poser.”

      He grinned, and rested his chin on my shoulder. “I would have eventually told you.”

      I sighed, looking guiltily at my hands, “About the painting … I didn’t paint it, Lisa did.”

      Dante snickered, “Well, I figured that.  I have seen your work and the styles were quite different, but I thought I’d put on a show for her.”  His eyes twinkled wickedly.  It made me want to laugh myself silly, my dear sister thought my boyfriend was a complete moron.  Dante only prattled like that when he was nervous .. and really, he’s just a hopeless romantic.  They are a lot alike, truth be told.

      “I had better be going, I have work to do,” he sighed reluctantly.  I hugged him, kissed him on the forehead, and bid him adieu.

      That night, I crept in to Lisa’s room, and woke her up.  She looked up at me with unseeing eyes for a moment, but she became quite animated when I shoved one of my carefully hoarded markers into her hand.  I shoved her back down the stairs, stopping once we reached the painting.

”Now sign it!”

      I knew a smirk lit up her face as she scrawled Lisa across the bottom of the white canvas.  I lifted it up and placed it on the mantle of the fireplace.  We sat down on the floor together, our heads resting against each other and stared at the painting.

“Shouldn’t you paint a flower or something in one of the vases?”

She looked at me with a dead-pan look on her face, “It’s winter.  Flowers don’t grow in winter.”

“You have a point.”

She made a face at me, “I still don’t know what you see in that guy!”

I shrugged, and smiled off into the dark, if she only knew.

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fallenangel4294 avatar General Stranger

July 12, 2006

fallenangel4294

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fallenangel4294 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really like this peice. I love it how it played out in the end that Dante was actually very quite talented, but in the beggining, she thought he was just a fake. Why does her sister live with her? You should add to it, or just mention in, bring it in slowly, or just ease it in, why her sister lives with her. Other than that, I liked it, and I really enjoyed reading this.

Cutthroat_Lola avatar General Stranger

July 12, 2006

Cutthroat_Lola

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Cutthroat_Lola reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

ah! I read the other side to this piece and the two coincide nicely!

thank the goddess it’s not longer than mine, but I digress—i would probably give a reason why she’s glad his hair isn’t longer than hers so we get a little more view of her inner personality.

also there’s a part where you say you would run up the stairs and strangle the sister but then a couple of seconds later you’re looking at her.

overall i thought it was really cute.

Deleted User avatar

July 12, 2006

Deleted User

Review of Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This story is really cute, I like it.  There were a couple of errors, but nothing that takes away from the piece.  In fact, two of them can easily be overlooked because it is narrated (a couple Twizzlers- “of”, discussion’s bout this and that-”about”).  Other than that it flowed very well and has a great story line.  You might want to put more discussion of Dante though.  I don’t think I “got it” either, whatever “it” is about him.  Perhaps I just didn’t read into his actions enough.  But I don’t think more interaction between him and Lisa would hurt.  Or even between him and Delilah.  Anything to offer more of his personality, either the true one or the one he presents to the Lisa.
But all in all, great job.  

AnneBeth22 avatar General Stranger

July 12, 2006

AnneBeth22

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AnneBeth22 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is a cute little romantic piece, though I don’t know what it’s potential for getting published would be (if that’s even your intention in writing.)  The much-needed (and helpful) dialogue helps balance out the grammatical and spelling errors throughout this piece.  My only suggestion (since I don’t normally tamper in this type of writing) is to run a spell-checker through this and then maybe seek to get this published in an anthology somewhere.  It’s written well enough that it would probably need very little work done in order to get it there.

Stoutness avatar General Stranger

July 10, 2006

Stoutness

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Stoutness reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is a quaint little story, and I liked it.  And that is saying a lot coming from a person who normally doesn’t like these types.

Your description was great, and I had no trouble following the story at all.  Its tempo was good, and it flowed well.

Character development was great, but I do have one thing to say about it:  The relationship between the two sisters takes a bit to understand.  This might just be the fact that I’m an only child (male) and I’ve never really seen a lot of interaction between two sisters.  If anything, a simple sentence here or there could fix things up quite a bit.  Not saying I was clueless to their relationship, it just took me a bit to fully understand it.

As far as grammar and spelling errors are concerned, I find that I, too, find them in my work long after I thought it was correct.  There are, however a few things I’d like to point out that I think you might want to take a look at:

The third sentence in the first paragraph bothers me.  There are two instances of the phrase “writer’s block” used.  Now, I know that in every day speech, this sounds normal (in fact, I’m almost torn between bringing this up at all), but it almost seems redundant to use it here.  I would suggest something like:

She’s had writers block for the past three weeks, and when that happens, she tends to ramble through the house.

I also found another spelling error in the coffee shop scene.  I’m assuming you meant “down” here:

“I finally eased myself does into the seat opposite of him.
(And on a side note, I believe “down” can actually be omitted altogether from the story as it’s not needed.)

This also caught my attention:

“I just shrugged, which I knew would infuriate him more.  I love it when I push him over the edge.  It’s so hard to render him speechless … but oh when it does happen.  It simply makes my blood tingle.  “What were you doing?”  I reached for the napkin he had been scribbling on, but he jerked it away, shoving the whole thing into his pocket.”

No matter what, fresh dialogue needs to start its own paragraph.  I don’t know if this was Urbis’s formatting or just another simple mistake.  It may seem that it disrupts the flow of the story, and it also may seem to you as if it bloats the work entirely, but it needs to be in its own paragraph.

I found a few more mistakes throughout, but most are just punctuation and other simple errors that can be worked on.  A few more re-reads by you, and I’m sure you’ll spot them.

I also found a tendency for you to drag sentences out by adding commas.  I sometimes do this, but remember, simple is better.  I can’t speak for the majority of people, but I like simple sentences; it makes for a better read.

Overall, good story.  I’ll be checking back.  Keep it up. =)

Captain_Celibacy avatar General Stranger

July 07, 2006

Captain_Celibacy

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Captain_Celibacy reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

It’s refreshing to find a story that doesn’t have an inch of the seemingly requisite gloom most writers feel is necessary to add.  Yours is simply two things:  Well written, and happy.  Good work.

Ozzymandias avatar General Stranger

July 06, 2006

Ozzymandias Prolific-icon-medium

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Ozzymandias reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I enjoyed this. The characterization was very good. These characters were very likable. I like to hang around with them if they were real. The dialog was also very good. Great ending. This story is very good. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

juststeve avatar General Stranger

July 05, 2006

juststeve

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juststeve reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Interesting piece.  I like it.  The pacing is slower than I would usually look for in a story and the conflict/resolution is a bit subtle for me, but it works for this story.  I don’t think it needs that much more editing at this point.  But to be helpful, here’s a couple of small things:

Paragraph one.  You write “Tromp. Tromp.”  In my mind, I was waiting for the third tromp.  I think we are all psychologically-predisposed to expect things in threes.  You might want to add a third one in.

Paragraph two.  “I finally, after hitting the alarm clock four or five times, made it down the stairs.”  I think this sentence would work better if you didn’t put the dependent clause in the middle of the independent clause.  Try “After hitting the alarm clock four or five times, I finally made it down the stairs.”

Also in paragraph two. “Lisa was no where to be found, but I shrugged it off, she was probably typing.”  This would work better as two sentences.  “…shrugged it off.  She was probably typing.”

Paragraph three.  You used the possessive of discussion’s instead of the plural discussions.

Also in paragraph three.  “I like to see him jump, and I was rewarded as usual, he almost fell out of his chair.”  Again, this works better as two sentences.  “…and I was rewarded as usual.  He almost fell out of his chair.”

Paragraph fifteen.  Another sentence that should be two.  “It was a rather large canvas, without gesso, it sported three orange vases on its pristine surface.”  Try “…without gesso.  It sported three…”  If you want it to be one sentence, then try “…large canvas, without gesso, sporting three…”.

Last paragraph.  This should be two sentences.  “..and smiled off into the dark.  If she only knew.”

festadapaz avatar General Friend

July 03, 2006

festadapaz

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festadapaz reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

“She’s had writers block for the past three weeks and when she has writers’ block she tends to ramble through the house.  Tromp.  Tromp.” I would change this to:  She has had writers block for the past three weeks and when in this mood, she tends to tromp through the house like a troll.

“He wears his black hair short – thank the goddess it’s not longer than mine, but I digress – and crisp blue eyes.”

I would take out “but I digress”

“The place was crowded and noisy, with groups of people gathered around small, round tables holding animated discussion’s bout this and that.” bout should about. I wouls remove this or that: The place was crowded and noisy, with groups of people gathered around small, round tables holding animated discussion’s bout a variety of subjects.

“I finally eased myself does into the seat opposite of him.” I sat down opposite my now upset, but still cute, boyfriend.

“He rolled his eyes at me, “Lately, what do you mean lately?...” Rolling his eyes Dante said, ”...

“I shrugged, “Yeah, I guess our right.”” our should be you are.

“After we finished viewing the exhibit at the museum (Which, incidentally, took us over three hours to do, mainly because my companion wanted to analyze everything) we headed back to my place.” Needs a comma after the parenthesis.

“Stupid idiot, like I wouldn’t gesso the freaking canvas before I started painting!  I have my moments, but I’m not that stupid.” I remember thinking “Idiot! I would not…

“I caught Lisa’s eyes when she was finished rolling them and huffing, and made a cutting motion at my neck.  Scram.  Then I grabbed Dante’s arm and pulled him down to my room.” You saying you looked at her after she rolling her eyes and huffed. How could you know what she was doing if you were not looking. I noticed Lisa huffing and rolling her eyes at the same time. Then she made a cutting… Get rid of the scram remark it is dated and sounds juvenile. Then I grabbed Dante’s arm and lead him to my room.

“Distraction—-I needed a distraction!  That was when that napkin he had been doodling on this morning sprang into my mind.
      “Now, Dante dear, about that note you were writing this morning.””

I needed a distraction!
      “Dante, can I see your doodle from this morning?”

“Dante only prattled like that when he was nervous .. and really, he’s just a hopeless romantic.” when in reality he is a hopeless….

“I hugged him, kissed him on the forehead, and bid him adieu.” You used him three times in the same sentence. I gave him a hug and delivered a kiss to his forehead before I bid him adieu.

“I shoved her back down the stairs, stopping once w reached the painting.”
You cannot shove someone BACK downstairs if you have not shoved them up the stairs. You htyped “w” and meant “we”. I dragged her downstairs.

“She looked at me with a dead-pan look on her face,” Same word used in a sentence. She had a dead-pan look on her face when said, “

“I shrugged, and smiled off into the dark, if she only knew.”
Smiling off into the dark,I shrugged and thought to myself, “If she only knew.”

Every story has potential, but needs the right words and concise communictaion are a must. Who are you writng for? The wording sounds childish at times and runs longer than needed. If that is purposeful, forgive me. It is just an opinion. Keep typing.

Journey avatar General Stranger

June 28, 2006

Journey

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Journey reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I enjoyed the character development in this piece and am a little bitter that I don’t know what the engraving translates to.

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dellessa

Age: 30
Loc: United States
Gen: F
Last Login: January 11
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