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Novel Treatments / Evil in the Mirror, The King is Crowned
Kevin’s throat was parched. The desert sun shone brightly, burning exposed skin. Stinging sweat dripped from under his helmet into his eyes as he looked around. He was in the middle of a flat desolate desert devoid of any cover—an easy target. There were no mountain ranges in the distance, no cities or towns to be seen anywhere.
Miles of peach colored sand spread in every direction. Kevin turned, continuously looking over his shoulder. His back felt exposed, and he was anxious about the threat he couldn’t see, but felt coming.
It wasn’t a sound, it wasn’t anything he saw, but a pressure he felt that worried him. A presence of sorts, it grew stronger. Kevin reached for a weapon as he turned frantically. His pistol was gone and he had no M-4. He quickly searched the pockets of his BDUs for something, anything, that he could use to defend himself.
He squinted through the sweat. The glare off the sand was blinding and he was without his sunglasses. The threat drew closer, and Kevin turned to meet it. His heart raced as his eyes darted for some kind of cover to hide behind. He turned again.
The pressure increased and Kevin grew more frightened. He began to shake as he felt the impending fight approaching. It was surely to be the fight of his life.
Kevin turned and stopped. His heart pounded heavily in his chest. He knew his enemy had arrived and stood behind him. Kevin closed his eyes. It was almost easier to ignore it—turning and looking into the face of this powerful enemy would start the fight. He hesitated and swallowed hard.
“I don’t have any beef with you,” Kevin called over his shoulder. “We don’t have to do this. I don’t see you, you can go away without a fight.”
“You can’t ignore me forever,” a deep husky voice answered. “Turn around.”
“I don’t want to fight you. I don’t even know who you are.”
“You know who I am,” the voice growled, “and you know you have to fight me.”
Kevin nodded and gritted his teeth. He knew who this was. “Not now,” he said without turning around.
“You don’t order me around,” the voice snarled. Kevin heard sand crunching under heavy footsteps behind him. “Turn around and face me!”
“No!” Kevin yelled, trembling. He hunched slightly, bracing for an attack. The footsteps quickened into a run.
“You’re _weak!_” The voice shrieked so loudly Kevin covered his ears under his helmet. The footsteps ran closer. Suddenly Kevin was rocked from the inside out by a tremendous pressure that took his breath away. He sat up in the back of his Humvee gasping like someone had just thrown ice water on him. King pried open his swollen eyes. The deafening roar of the Humvee’s diesel engine filled his ears. Gabe hovered over his legs, leaning against the wall to steady himself. “Dammit Spick, take it easy!” Gabe shouted, his head turned toward the front of the Humvee.
“Sorry man, that ditch wasn’t there when we left the base.”
Gabe looked down at King and saw he was awake. “Sarge, can you hear me?”
“Where are we?” King asked quickly.
“We’re heading back to Najaf, Sarge. How do you feel?”
“NO!” King bolted upright and grabbed Gabe’s BDUs tightly in his fists. “Turn around, we need to kill them!”
Gabe tried to pull back from King’s grip, but he held firm. “Sarge, what are you . . .”
“Turn around!” King shook with uncontrollable anger, his face twitched and his body trembled. “We’re gonna make those motherfuckers _pay!_”
Gabe just stared speechless in King’s hands, astonished by his sudden outrage.
“Coming up on the gate now!” Spick called out from the driver’s seat. King threw Gabe to the side and charged through the Humvee.
“FUCK!” he shouted from behind Spick, looking through the windshield. “Why didn’t you guys wake me up?”
Gabe just stammered, “You were asleep, we tried . . . you were out cold, we didn’t know . . .”
“Drive me to the General’s office!” King barked. He crawled inside the small space like a caged animal, his mind racing. Feeling trapped inside the vehicle, King stood up in the .50 caliber mount and pounded his fists on the roof of the Humvee. “God dammit,” he muttered to himself. “I’m going to _explode!_”
King’s head throbbed and a pressure built up inside as it filled with jumbled thoughts competing for limited space. He closed his swollen eyes for a moment and felt them burning. He gripped the rim of the machine gun mount and squeezed it as hard as he could. He yelled out loud.
King’s vehicle and two trailing Humvees slowed to a crawl as they passed through the palace gate. King looked back at the other two vehicles in his convoy while heavily armed Marines saluted from their post. The Humvee picked up speed and raced for the buildings that housed the General and his working staff on the palace grounds. King climbed out of the machine gun mount onto the armored roof of his Humvee and jumped before Spick had even rolled to a stop.
“Sarge, wait!” Bobby called out as he ran to catch up to King. “Are you ok? What’s going on?”
King trembled as every muscle in his body twitched with raging energy. He gritted his teeth to compose himself to answer.
“I’m ok, I have to talk to the General.”
Bobby looked concerned. “What are you going to talk to him about?”
“I have a plan, and I need clearance. I need him to sign off on it.”
“You’re not right Sarge, he’s never going to sign off on anything you ask for in this condition.”
King sighed angrily, his hands shaking at his sides. He looked up into the sky and closed his eyes. “I know you’re right, but I need to do this. I need to do anything but stand here.”
“Well take a few deep breaths,” Bobby suggested, “compose yourself for a minute. Maybe go running and get rid of all this energy you have, first.”
Gabe walked up and joined the two near the entrance to the General’s office.
“You’re angry, but we’re all angry,” he said quietly. “Don’t do anything you’re going to regret.”
“I just need to talk to the General!” King shouted, his body twitching involuntarily.
Casper joined the men. “I’m going to drop Jeff’s bits and pieces off at the morgue.”
“Casper, that’s not helping,” Bobby chided.
King clenched his fists and gritted his teeth together at the thought. He searched the ground for answers.
Casper sneered at Bobby then turned to King. “Are we gonna get those mother fuckers or what, Sarge?”
King stood trembling in silent rage with his eyes fixed on a spot on the ground. He began to nod his head, then stared into Casper’s eyes.
“If we’re going to do anything, we need to do it soon,” Casper said. King nodded in agreement.
Gabe took a step forward and put a hand on King’s shoulder. “Don’t look like an out of control fool. Calm down first. You know the General is not gonna OK any plan with that look in your eyes.”
Casper agreed and dug in his pocket. “Here’s your sunglasses, Sarge.”
King took a deep breath and put his sunglasses on. “I’m going to talk to the General,” he said, looking at Gabe. He turned to Casper. “After you leave the morgue drive to the Marine’s ammo dump on the other side of the airfield.” King looked at Bobby. “I’ll catch up with you both at the dump in fifteen minutes. Tell Spick to wait for me here.”
“Yes Sarge,” Casper said before trotting back to his waiting Humvee. Bobby and Gabe just looked at each other.
“That’s an order,” King snapped at them. He was back in fragile control of himself.
<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>
King talked his way past the general’s secretary and stood before his desk.
“Sergeant Kevin King, what can I do for you?”
“General, I’ve just come back from retrieving the remains of one of my men.” King swallowed hard and concentrated on maintaining his composure. “He was tortured and killed by a Republican Guard unit based outside Baghdad.”
“I’m sorry to hear that son, that’s three scouts this week. What about the four divisions heading south?”
“Based on their direction it looks like this Republican Guard unit is headed north to rendezvous with one of those divisions. I know we have an armored column heading for Baghdad, and these fighters are a danger.”
“What is this Republican Guard unit armed with? Any artillery or tanks?”
“No General, just automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades.”
“They won’t be a match for our armored column.”
“No match for tanks General, but they could stop the vehicles that follow to supply those tanks. The Iraqis could let the tanks into the capital without resistance, then close the door behind them, attacking the tankers’ supply line. Our armor would be out of fuel, out of food and water and trapped inside Baghdad.”
The General thought hard about what he was hearing. He took King over to a paper map of western Iraq with blue and red arrows drawn on it. They discussed movement of troops in the area, enemy positions and timetables.
“General, with your permission I’d like to use my squad to take out this Republican Guard unit.” King grit his teeth and tried to keep from trembling.
The general turned from the map. “You could do that without taking air support away from other operations?”
King nodded. “Yes, General, I won’t need air support at all, just lots of ammo and high explosives.”
“This group seems to eat scouts for breakfast. You’re going to need a hell of a lot of ammunition.”
“With the right equipment, I can do anything, General.”
The General nodded in silent thoughtful agreement, sizing King up before he spoke. “Alright then. You and your men will act as your own unit.”
The general sat at his desk and wrote out an order by hand.
“Take this note to the Marine dump on the other side of the airport and get what you need. Do whatever you have to do to stop that Republican Guard unit from merging with that Iraqi army unit. Just don’t tell me or anyone else what you did.”
A wave of relief washed over King as he took the note. “I understand, General. No rescue attempts, so we have to get it right the first time.”
The General nodded. “When you return there will be no official debriefing. Just give me an up or down assessment of whether your objective was achieved or not.”
“Yes General.”
“Good luck Sergeant.”
The two saluted and King left for the Marine dump.
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July 27, 2006
Deleted User
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Good read- watch dialogue attribution though- never assume the reader knows as much as the writer and don’t assume that they know who is talking- what seems obvious to you might not seem obvious to others- just keep in mind. The plot, dialogue, and story kept my attention and interest- can’t wait to see where this goes next! Keep at it!
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PotentialKaos reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent story….I want more.
athousandfaces reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really nice. You could probably make a decent short film out of it. Some of it reads a bit like a screenplay too, but I guess most treatments do.
TylerC reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this piece. I honestly cant crit this, being that it came off as being better than anything I’ve ever written. :p
Great work.
lilced01 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great start cant wait to see what you ddo with it.
Purpledawncloud reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the strong feel of this piece I can almost feel the testosterone seeping through your words,I look forward to the conclusion.
ElCocaine reviewed Version 1 -
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You deftly and suspensefully illustrate some battle scenes. But the war genre is crowded with hopeful authors, soldiers trying to put their harrowing experiences into words. To succeed one needs to transcend the conventions of the genre and avoid the trite and heavy-handed at all costs. The symbolism…the different men in King’s group representing different aspects of his character is a bit much… Symbolism should grow organically in the story as much as possible. Forced symbolism can ruin a novel. Ok start but you need to add a little more detail in scenes and maybe lose the symbolism.
July 26, 2006
Deleted User
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Yes, I think the opening is believable, and the entire piece as a whole is easy to read. I like the dialog, it’s very realistic. I have not read the rest of this, but I’m sure it is equally as interesting. Keep up the good work!
thesnoopyone reviewed Version 1 -
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Based on other war stories like platoon, apololypse now that I have seen in the movies--this seems relastic-—comes down to a basic theme: war is hell and it does change people. As I have never personally been to war I can really say--and this is the first piece of your work I have had the chance to review---I think u have a firm grsp of battle and your descriptions feel very real. Not sure if that helped--I hope so.
Monessa2005 reviewed Version 1 -
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Casper joined the men. “I’m going to drop Jeff’s bits and pieces off at the morgue.”
This line bothers me. Casper is supposed to Portray “Anger” while every time I read it I see spick saying it. Maybe beef up this line to show just how angry “Casper” is. This line is better showing Casper=anger Casper sneered at Bobby then turned to King. “Are we gonna get those mother fuckers or what, Sarge?”
I think with Spick=humor the little part that he has “Sorry man, that ditch wasn’t there when we left the base.” Should show some kind of humor regardless of the situation. Maybe if you really want him to = humor try to think of Clinger from “Mash” when writing his parts….“ Sorry man, that ditch wasn’t there when we left the base, it’s a shame they didn’t throw in a few more. You could have closed your eyes and pretended you were on a roller coaster ride.” and answer with Casper… “Yeah, rollercoaster ride straight into hell.” Just a suggestion. With Bobby and gabe I think you have done a fine job. Is the opening scene understandable? The opening scene is very understandable. Is the entire post realistic? IMO it is realistic. Does Kevin’s reasoning with the general seem believeable? Yes, i thought you did a fine job on this piece. What is missing to score this a ten out of ten? Th only thing I saw was the issue with Casper and Spick thus far.
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