Dang, girl! Thank you so much! I personally like those two stanzas also…and the fact that I managed to wedge two hidden transcripts (at least, lol) into a piece about waiting for a letter from someone.
Poetry / Hungry
The mailbox, gorged, satiated, yet hungry:
Three thousand, nine hundred and six
pulped and bleached trees a month,
tabloid sized sheets
read-me red and yes-me!
yellow banners frantically waving
New
Improved
Fresher
the same old and same old
stuff, repackaged
One hundred fifty-two
creamy white envelopes
gold highlights
businesslike blue
Confidential
Time Sensitive
Important Documents
new plastic, no waiting
balloon payments
Seventy four two-sided
half sheets, full bleed gloss finish
crosses, doves, white Jesus
God as Business
Business as Usual
Thirty nine quarter sheets
cut rate, single color prints
crooked hand-placed stamps
must have services
hidden costs
Twenty three donation
requests, crazy-rich white men
running for office
Platform optional
No guarantees
Eight plastic window-panes,
bills vomiting unrelated options
my fault; my needs:
food, water, shelter
One high school reunion update
too long ago
not interested
No letter from you
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queenparky reviewed Version 1 -
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it was well written, albeit a little confusing but well worth the read
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Absorb reviewed Version 1 -
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J—
This is an example of why I respect your writing so much. I read this poem aloud, as I do all poems. The rhythm you have derived is amazing. I love that the poem starts out obscure to the author then gets closer and closer. I really love stanzas 4 and 6. I love the way these words rolled off my tongue. And I loved the disappointment at the end. You do so well with this craft!!! O-
TheStormofWar reviewed Version 1 -
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I was going to rate this a little lower, but this is a truly remarkable piece.
Great opening in your first stanza:
“The mailbox,
gorged, satiated
yet hungry:”
Very nice reflection here actually. To me, in conveys that aspect of how a mailbox can always take more (mail couriers are masters of space) no matter how full it seems.
Your second & third stanzas are roughly the same thing. This is quite good actually, because it estabalishes your pacing well (how to read it is what I mean). Outstanding descriptions here:
“read me red, yes-me! yellow
banners frantically waving”
Very nice! My only niggle (and it’s minor) is I’m not sure if yellow should be in that line where it is. Maybe (and only suggestion)
“read me red, yes-me!
Yellow banners urgently waving”
Only a suggestion from a personal standpoint.
The rest of your stanzas are great, but one thing I noticed was your trailing lines here:
“God as Business
Business as Usual”
This is a great reflection on business becoming an idol replacing God. Outstanding notation here, though I’m not sure this was intentional.
A suggestion I have is here:
“Platform optional
No guarantees”
This definately reads like a credit card offer, which I’m sure is the intent, but versus the rest of your trailing lines in your stanzas, it might be slightly out of place due to the caps at the beginning. I’m a little torn in this respect because you have the lines so good, but slightly out of place in context of the remaining trailers.
” my fault, my needs
food, water, shelter”
And:
“too long ago
not interested”
If you get what I’m saying here. Then again, I’m only nitpicking for suggestions.
You end this strongly:
“No letter from you”
This is an exceptionally well done piece, and this is great as it stands. But have you experimented with flushing this line out a little more, merely to see how it looks and feels, to see how putting this into a similar factoid/lamenting stanza would fit?
Merely a thought.
Outstanding and marked as one of my favorites because the form and words are perfect, with a tiny bit of emotion. I’m sure others won’t read into this as much as I have, but what you’ve done here is damn near flawless, in my opinion. Example to the craft.
Poet reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this poem to be quite interesting. While there were no major spelling errors that I saw, you did forget the hyphens in numerous places: “business-like,” “seventy-four,” “half-sheets,” “thirty-nine,” and “twenty-three.” Those were just the main ones, you might want to double check with the rest of the poem to make sure there aren’t any more. The grammar also might need a bit of work. I’m not sure, as I rarely include grammar in my work, so could be wrong.
This piece wasn’t what I expected it to be. It was a lot better actually. First poem I read about envelopes and such things related to it. You seemed to pull it off quite nicely.
I’m not sure why you chose to indent in some of the stanzas. Someplaces, the line just needed to be continued on a second line and in those places it makes sence. For example, there’s this stanza:
Twenty three donation
requests, crazy-rich white men
running for office
Platform optional
No guarantees
Why did you indent the last two lines?
I think this poem would look better if you had all the stanzas the same amount of lines or just balance each halves. As in, the first stanza and the last be three lines, etc. Though that is just my opinon, do what you want with it.
Just keep writing and I hope I’ve been somewhat helpful.
bertha_masons_mad reviewed Version 1 -
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overall, i enjoyed reading this poem. it has some fresh, interesting diction and i like the loose structure you’ve imposed. i like the specific details that you provide, too: ”...two-sided half sheets, full bleed, glossy finish.”
i still believe there is room for improvement in this piece, though. i find the phrase “butchered trees” to be both pedantic and a bit hackneyed; we’re all aware that trees must be cut down to make paper, and this bit of moralizing over it seems unnecessary.
i realize that your intention for the line “the same old, same old stuff…” is to imply boredom and a lack of novelty, but i also feel that you’re choosing to express this in a clichéd manner. is there another way to say it while still imparting the same sense of ennui at the unoriginal content of these ads and flyers?
in the stanza about the bills, the line “bills vomiting unrelated options” seems not to transition well from the line that precedes it. perhaps if it were “Thirteen plastic window-paned/bills…” that would make it smoother?
the last line seems almost like an afterthought, when in fact, it seems to me that it is an important element of the poem. we’re unaware until the very end that the speaker is looking forward to a letter, presumably from a loved one, and that this letter isn’t there. clearly, the speaker has to go through quite a large pile of junk only to be met with disappointment. i would like to see the poem’s tone escalate into greater frustration as the speaker finds more and more useless trash in the box, and no letter. there’s a lot of great detail in the poem that provides a clue as to what the speaker is feeling, seeing, doing, but not a lot of concrete evidence of action or emotion. this functions mostly as a description of what’s in the mailbox rather than the speaker’s reactions to it.
i like the tongue-in-cheek, rather cynical humor of the piece. there is a clear voice and style on the part of the poet, which is more than i can say for most of the work i encounter on urbis. nice work.
Krow reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this poem, it’s written in an interesting way. It was actually quite enjoyable to read, which is a notable compliment. Though I’m not to sure exactly how the title the poem and the last line are linked, I would presume that you were anticipating a letter, and the following verse stems from that seed. But this is of little consequence. There is some very good commentary in this piece, I especially like
‘God as Business
Business as Usual’
The way you use language is refreshing and enjoyable to read its short and sharp enough to keep the reader interested but also weighty in implied meaning and imagery.
I don’t really have any suggestions as to how to improve this piece, I like it as it is.
ddzimmwp reviewed Version 1 -
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Content: Great description, great imagery, great analogy:
Seventy four two-sided
half sheets, full bleed, glossy finish
crosses, doves, white Jesus
God as Business
Business as Usual
Twenty three donation
requests, crazy-rich white men
running for office
Platform optional
No guarantees
The Hook, awesome:
No letter from you
Layout:
The differences in the indents are a bit distracting; it would be an easier read if they were all consistent.
Three thousand, nine hundred and six
butchered trees a month,
tabloid sized sheets
read me red, yes-me! yellow
banners frantically waving
New
Improved
Fresher
Cliché’:
the same old, same old
stuff…
Perhaps something like:
Services repacackaged but
Under different ownership
A minor point on visual consistency: I once had a poem rejected due to consistency in the use of upper case (even when, technically, it should be used, such as in God). This may be more of a personal preference rather than structural correctness, in the context that freestyle has any structural correctness.
I hope you found this useful and thank you for sharing.
DD
jheII reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this poem; it’s complete. The only recommendation I have would be to elaborate on the “letter from you.” Maybe say:
“No room for a…” and describe the letter that you’re waiting for so that the last line becomes a complete stanza. Maybe beef up the first stanza as well.
LokiTrister reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was a rather unsual peice of work. I’m not one for poems, but meh.
My only question is the 3rd line from the bottom, Too long ago, should it not be not to long ago? Just my curiosity.
deathbywriting reviewed Version 1 -
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Really. So true. This is a very clear and descriptive poem. Efficiency and environmentalism obviously isn’t a factor in these businesses eyes. I love the paragraph wher you say, “Seventy four two-sided
half sheets, full bleed, glossy finish
crosses, doves, white Jesus
God as Business
Business as Usual” and my other favorite line is,”Twenty three donation
requests, crazy-rich white men
running for office
Platform optional
No guarantees” This poem is well written, very descriptive and sooo true. Bravo. i think it’s definitely a 10.
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