Poetry / The Last Poem I'll Write for You

powerful. raw and natural. a flow of pure emotion. it’s like glass, it has beauty with a bite, clear and cutting.
great vocabulary, by the way. mostly the analogies drew me in.

“The first fifteen minutes of a Lifetime original”.

loved that. because it’s relateable.
also:

“You are a red wine stain on my heart”.

i have a thing for wine, it just captivates me, especially when referred to in writing. great job.

The shocking first line lets the reader know, what you are about to read isn’t going to be pleasant.
I loved this simile,”Like every lost toy from my childhood Came marching, single file, up the driveway”
Excellent!

This becomes the drumbeat of your aching heart, “This is the last poem I’ll write for you.”  I like how you kept repeating it.
The why is answered with this line,
“There’s nothing left in my heart to pour out.”

Great Job!

Thanks for writing.

Powerful are the lines:

I can’t believe I gave that memory to you
Because it hurt me and it’s worthless now
So I might as well share it with everyone
Like being de-virginized and realizing
Once your first leaves, you’re hungry

How I wish someone would have warned me about what losing my virginity would do. A whole new piece could center around that um, er phenomenon!

The only criticism I have, and it may just be my opinion, is that I don’t like to see no line breaks.

Whenever I see one long paragraph or series of lines, it makes me want to skip over it to something else.

Otherwise, I loved the piece and wish people who NEED to read stuff like this would read it instead of other broken hearted and “I can relate to that” types of people.

The line “And it’s the first one I don’t care if you see” was powerful too and it’s a very freeing feeling to have.

Somehow, I think that should have appeared at the end because I think it’s the most powerful line of the piece.

Whew!  Did I love this? Yes, Good Gawd yes!  This was angry, pissed off and you didn’t care!  You let him/her know you were pissed.  You told your truth!  You let him/her have it with both barrels.  The thing I like about this poem is that if this is about someone you know, if this your real feelings, you didn’t get emotional in that teenage angst way, you pointed, you took careful aim and you shot right between the eyes.
The ache is so obvious, but something in this is so freeing, so full, so “I’m so over you!”  
I don’t want to gush and gush over your poem, but Oh man do I love this!  This is why I read poetry, this is why I write it, and this, poem is why I critique.  
I will say a few things you need to fix…
My mother used try to film me playing

It should be, “My mother used TO try to film me playing”.

Your poem takes my breath away.  I am so pumped up.

“Emotionally slutty?” Brilliant!  I am in love with your poem.  I am madly in love with your poem.  
Pure perfection!

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June 21, 2006

by DynamiteWithaLaserbeam

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
84	55.0% (21 votes)	21.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	F	United States	June 21

I’m so flattered.  Yes… this poem would be what I’d call “non-fiction”.  Thanks for the editing help, I didn’t catch that.  Glad you enjoyed it so much.

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