Poetry / Dark and Shadowed

This poem has a distinctive structure until the final two verses and then deviates from the preset formula.  That kind of threw me.  It rhymes very well, perhaps too well.

Of anger and rage bought by fear.
Of Lonely sadness and uncried tears.
The hatred of the beaten wife.
Reflecting the desperation of this life.

Is there a reason (L)onely is capitalized?

Really that my only critiscism.  I do like the rhyming but I think you could let a couple verses go unrhymed?? Just my 2-cents.

I liked this.  You tell a sad tale and your words echo the darkness of that story.

I have a few comments.
Here:
The hungry child that dies unmourned.
......
The sad young man driven to sucide.

I think might have flowed better to my ear as:

Hungry child that dies unmourned.
desperate soldier lost and forlorn.
aged old woman forgotten alone.
man on the street with no home.
sad young man driven to sucide.

Just a thought but the numerous “the”s stuck out at me.

I love it ! More people should write about the truth that faces our every day lives . Maybe if enough people would preach this to the masses maybe the truth about the world that you and I live in would no longer be swept under the rug! I love the context and your use of words and your ability to rhyme and pull it all together in the end to relay a thought or idea or message! by the way, as I began to read the first 4 or 5 lines I got cold chills up and down my spine! Thank You for writing this!

The imagery was very powerful, but the choppiness of the piece-though something can be said for the style it brings to the work-was a bit distracting at time. It was much less noticeable at the end of the piece, however. My only advice is to be careful with your period use.

This was a good write.  It flows pretty well. I like the message. I liked this stanza especially,

“But the rich man and his  lovely wife.
Striken down by some man’s knife.
mourned and loved for thier success.
Thier names held above all the rest.
Voices scream for vengence.”

Talking about those that society doesnt give two cents about, which in my opinion are the “Real Things.”  Yet when a celebrity passes on, millions mourn for their death, as if they personally knew them.  

You have those out there that are starving nutritionally, but then their are those out there that starve for the truth.  For the truth will set you free.  Sorry for the tangent.  All in all i really like this.  Keep up the good work.

This is rather dark, I like it.  It’s has a pretty pointed message too, and speaks volumes about the way the author views our society.  The rhythym went off in a couple of places, but it didn’t throw anything off enough to warrant changing.  Well done!

very touching with an interesting twist. a new point of view for the victim.
in my opinion however you sacrificed your rythmn for the rhyme then forced the rhyme for the story.

voices scream for vengence somehow to me, marked the end of one story and the beginning of the next.

this in no way takes away from the haunting sadness of this piece. in that lies it’s beauty.

Loved it, deeply moving. This world truely is sad. Excellent job at conveying your feelings in a profound way.

I think its an excellent piece. The way you express the neccessity for people to look at the whole situation not just judge it at face value. Most people comit crimes for a reason. Not only that, but those who create victims have often been victimized themselves, that and thrown away like trash too. Great job I know just what your sayin.

Hi,

I liked this poem and felt that it touched on many real issues. Well done!