That was an excellent critique, thanks so much for the feedback! I’m not quite ready to revise this one but I agree with a lot of what you said and will use it when I get to that stage.
Thanks again….
~annelyse
Poetry / On Fame and Futility
some day
he’ll pour his soul into a
novel
and sell stories on the city streets
to the illiterate.
some day
the city will turn its back on him
and he’ll make love to loneliness
in the alleyways
of the forgotten,
romanticizing lunacy
as writers are bound to do.
some day
the solitude will consume him—
his vital signs will be just
a few more billboards
on the road to death.
some day
critics will rave,
“a master, the greatest
fucking novelist that ever graced this earth, but
what a pity!”—
romanticizing tragedy
as critics are bound to do.
some day
he’ll be the infamous
scaremonger-turned-novelist,
and the Hollywood executives will
equate life with passion’s struggle,
drawing scores of beautiful young women
to his grave.
some day,
but not
today.
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PDXfixerupper reviewed Version 1 -
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As much as I over-use the word myself, I shouldn’t throw stones. But I’ll make the observation that I have never heard a critic say “fuck” and likely we’d never hear a critic say it.
“greatest fucking novelist”...His friends might have described him that way.
He might have described himself that way.
His drunken cronies in the corner bar might have described him that way: “Hee wuzzh thee greatesht fuggin’ novelisht…”
But the critics?
Moving beyone that, I wish I could find the perfect metaphor to describe how perfectly your final three lines seal this poem.
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Earl_Daniels reviewed Version 1 -
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The structure of this piece is great. Your stance against the world and what writers are expected to go throught is astounding.
I find no flaw with how this poem is put together.
Kudos!
July 18, 2006
Deleted User
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I, like the other, have a fascination and admiration for this piece. I think you should leave the “cuss” word because it doesn’t seem out of place to me at all. I do agree that you should take out “some day.” I think everything else is in such perfect balance that you don’t need to use the repetition. I also think you need to chop the last stanza; I think you could end it at “to his grave” or find a better fit. I absolutely love the subject and language of this piece. The first stanza is brilliantly paced and posed; it really drew me in! I look forward to reading more of your work!
-Kristie
Krow reviewed Version 1 -
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That’s fucking rad man, especially if you are actually fourteen, though it seems a little hard to believe. You have some really nice lines in this man, like and
He’ll make love to loneliness
In the alleyways
Of the forgotten,
Romanticising lunacy
propa good mate. Don’t really have any suggestions, I would keep the end you have though, and keep writing man, if you are actually that young you have some real talent. And if your not you do as well.
joonthespoon reviewed Version 1 -
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i think the repetition of “some day” is unnecessary. if you remove the repetitions, i think you should revert back to present tense instead of future.
i think the narrative voice takes too much license in telling what will happen in the future. yes, this voice implies an inevitability, but i think the poem will be better served focusing in on the author and his actions.
i also think you should get rid of “the city will turn its back on him.”
ps, i’m not a big fan of either ending.
Stephen reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very nice. It’s almost perfect. Only remove the cuss word, it seems so out of place in such a romantic poem. I especially like description ‘he’ll make love to the loneliness,’ it describes the mans fate so well. Good work.
Sincerely,
Stephen J. Suss Jr.
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