Novel Treatments / Evil in the Mirror--Contractions

I appreciate the feedback.  This section is designed to show his sorrow, which has steadily built up over preceeding chapters.  At the end of this he passes out and when he wakes up, his anger has full control of him—in short, the final scene of this section plunges him into madness and soul-crushing rage.  If Kevin is seen as a monster in the opening scene of the book, everything that follows will lead the reader up to that.  This section is called contractions because the monster is about to be born.

This section also takes place in the weeks following the initial invasion of Iraq, and is told from the prespective of someone slipping into madness. I tried to come up with the worst possible name someone who was crazy could come up with, to show a level of anger and disregard for the Iraqis.  Haji is less that, in the mind of the reader who has never been in the military.  I appreciate the link, it will come in handy!

Chill in what way?  

Some background: This scene leads directly into the opening scene told from the Iraqis perspective--Kevin gets his revenge, yet still feels hollow and empty inside.  His level of violence escalates after this, more people die in horrible ways because bringing pain and suffering on others makes him feel better--however never the normal he seeks.

The story has slowly built up to this point and is one of two climaxes of this section.  Everything I’ve posted and written (but not posted) that follows ends with Kevin getting his leg blown up in an attack. It is that Kevin people seem to like most, since he comes back to Iraq with a prosthetic leg and a streak of vengeance.  So everything here might just be unpublished backstory, or it might be the first installment of two novels.  I’m not sure yet.

Thank you for your review.  What would you recommend adding?  I’d appreciate some examples.

I appreciate your comments.  No I’m not female, and I laughed out loud at the suggestion, based on the writing style of this one post alone.  Granted, I think i’ve added too much of his thoughts--they seem to be interrupting the flow of the post more than anything.  But I want to put the reader inside Kevin’s mind, to see his thought processes since this is the turning point of the story.  I have gone overboard, and should trust my instincts.  I will say however that this is the gift of writing--in a movie you can’t see what the character is thinking, and I wanted to exploit that.  The reader will fully inhabit this character so that later, they are in the odd position of rooting for a murderer.  I’ll ease up on the internal thoughts here.

I thought it was ironic that you thought the characters were reacting to his thoughts, since I wrote this section over a year ago, and inserted the internal monologue last month.  In your example you left out the line _ Kevin lunged forward and grunted, pointing to Jeff’s body._ in reaction to his men setting off down the hill.  It was his movements they were reacting to, not his internal monologue.  It also explains how this worked better without the italics, since that was added later.

As far as the Italics go, that is exactly the kind of feedback I’m looking for.  I guess I should trust my instincts—if I have to ask if its over the top, it probably is.  Now I use italics throughout the book, though in megadoses here and the section prior, because I wanted the reader to see Kevin’s thought processes.  This is the crux of the story here, he will begin his plunge into madness when he wakes up.  

I should add regarding most of the rest of what you said that this appears midway through the story.  He doesn’t burst into tears at any other point in the story, its used to emphasize the tremendous pressure he’s under at this moment.  By this point I’ve established that Kevin is no ordinary soldier; he’s the Sergeant in charge of two squads of sniper recon scouts, and is a living legend among those in that circle.  I’ve established that the man he found on that hill is the best friend he ever had—the closest he knows to a brother, and that he loved the woman who betrayed him dearly.  I can see how taken out of its context this post doesn’t work.

As for the slang, I’ve had others critize writing out every letter, since people don’t talk that way.  It’s not used to distinguish dialect, its just the way 90% of people would say it.

Thank you for your review, You’ve brought up some good points.

That’s what I’m looking for, to know if the emotion was too over the top.  He’s been up for nearly 48 hours straight by this point, so he would be emotional from being drained.  I just wanted to know if I carried it on too long, and you’ve answered that.

I had thought about showing Kevin in stages of grief.  I don’t know how to show bargaining, or denial.  There is no denying what he’s just seen, and he blames himself for his friend’s empty bunk.  Anger is clear, for he will be angry throughout and let it destroy him in the end.  Depression will follow, and with everytime he lashes out at Iraqis after this, he has trouble with his conscience.  He will be restless, distant from his men, etc. and the things he enjoyed doing(chewing tobacco, listening to music and writing poetry for example) will no longer keep his interest.  The only thing that promises to make him feel real and whole, from this point on, is causing other people pain.  He will look into their eyes as they die, as he hurts them, for some sign of recognition.  He’s looking for someone to understand, to see in their eyes the same level of hurt and pain he feels.  Each encounter leaves him frustrated, for he cannot hurt someone enough, cannot kill enough people, to fully feel normal again.  Acceptance will come after suffering a major injury; rather than hide the fact that he’s a monster from his men, hurting Iraqis in secret, he’ll accept the fact that he’s not a good guy and run wild with it.  In that acceptance he’ll find freedom, but only until he’s dying, and then he’ll see himself and his actions for what they were—a sickness, an illness caused by depression and rejection.  He’ll see himself objectively, and be ashamed for what he’s done, and realize he’s become a human abomination.  In the moments before death he will find happiness, since at long last his pain will be over.

Oh man, tempejack.  Your description of how the book will go makes me drool. This is really going to be a great  novel.  Is it finished yet?  Have you been looking to get it published?  I think you should.  Every peice I have read of it so far is excellent.

I think you could do denial in a quick breath.   If you think about it, if you were to go and find a close friend the way Kevin does, you would want to deny it.  Your first reaction would be, that can’t be him, even if it is aparent that it is.  It’s just a natural human reaction.

Bargaining, might be praying to God for forgiveness.  Or I will trade my life for his.  That sort of thing.  Although, since he is going to spend most of the rest of the book in the anger faze then bargaining would come before he accepts his death.

Good points on the denial phase.  In my first draft of the section that proceeded this, and while he is waiting for word from his friend, he constantly tells himself that his friened is either lost, or the batteries in his radio are dead etc. because he cannot face the fact that he might have sent him to his death.  I took them out to improve the flow, because I wanted to have a sense of the story galloping toward this post;  the pace picking up after he discvoers he’s not checked in, use of shorter sentences and so forth.  I’m considering putting them back in now.

I’ll have to work on bargaining. . . still not sure where I could put this, though I have an attempted suicide scene in the presence of a psychologist who’s reviewing allegations of impropriety on his part.  Kevin talks about what a curse it is to wish you could die but cannot, and is asked to explain himself.  He takes his pistol to his temple and pulls the trigger, and it clicks but does not fire, to the shock of the doc.  Kevin throws the pistol against the wall in disgust, and the doc sees the firing pin even struck the round in the chamber, yet did not discharge.  This scene shows how Kevin has been transformed by events, almost cursed by god to cause people pain and suffering without any relief of his own.  He is so strong and powerful that the only person who can kill him is himself, which happens symbolically at the end in a battle between himself and the guy who represents his anger (Casper).

I appreciate your kind comments about the story.  I will be seeking to get it published when I’ve finished the first of the two books.  I have a list of potential literary agents, but none of them will review the work unless its completed and nearly ready for publication.  The first story will end with Kevin getting blown up by a grenade thrown at a school, and going home.  The second story picks up with him recovering from his injuries, missing his lower leg and determined to go back into the service.  He gets a prosthetic leg covered with rubberized pink flesh and tears it off in disgust.  He doesn’t want to hide his injury, so he’s left with the black claw-like frame and piston in its place.  One of the men recovering with him wants to seek vengeance as well, but missing so much of his legs canot go back into the service.  He will fight the Iraqis through Kevin, and offers to spruce his prosthetic up with spiked and sharpened surfaces, turing it inot a weapon.  Kevin will go back to Iraq, loose his conscience and kill with his claw.  His very visage will be frightening and invoke the idea of someone who is no longer completely human.  In Iraq he goes AWOL, fighting a one-man war against the Iraqi insurgency, and is pusued by his surviving men, Spick and Casper. The end of the second book will be the battle scene with Casper, and Kevin’s destruction.

Very nice!  I can’t wait to read it.