Poetry / Butoh #2

A very good review with a number of observations i am forced to consider. the belly and throat bit was intended to be more about surrender in an animalistic way but i get the medical idea too. as far as the beat structure is concerned, i only halfheartedly made an attempt – my hope was to refine it in a later draft but now i’m looking at more of a complete overhaul.

suffice: this is exactly the type of review that i think most everyone on here would like to receive, thoughtful and sharp.

thank you
krinkle

You have complimented me ( though i wonder if in jest – so hard to tell on the ol’ internet ), i thank you for that. Sadly though i must say this isn’t very helpful. It was nice of you to review/respond to my poem; however, i was unable to gleam anything constructive from it.

sorry

krinkle

not a very good review Chella …....... s’ok, i understand probably more than you know. I’ve been on a kick lately where i’m trying to give everyone (regardless of how i may feel in terms of motivation) the respect i wish for my own work. I’m not suggesting you should follow suite, i have hardly any answers at all and the ones i do have are mostly about food. what i do put forth is this – if you are not prepared to read a poem at least a half dozen times, maybe you shouldn’t review it.

I’m not trying to be an asshole ( that comes naturally – har har ) I only wish to say as softly as possible that you weren’t very helpful to me.

I wish you great luck in your future efforts!

krinkle

You are very correct in assuption krinkle.  I should have gone to bed before reviewing this, but once I read the first few lines I was hooked.  I wanted to do a better review of this once I was awake, & that’s the only reason I would reread it.  So, here it goes.  
I do not miss seeing the picture that goes along with this work, for me it’s strong enough on its own.  I can feel the voice of this peice forcing himself to focus on the positive while drowning in all the sorrow (I have much life experience in this)  The use of moor & mire threw me off a little, but did not take away anything from the peom for me.
This is my favorite part that will haunt me.
“give contempt a chance to be beautiful”
Just wondering, is the painting a likeness of the woman, or an abstract?  
Hope this is a better review.  Thanks for you patience, I am new at this, & didn’t find your soft voice to be assy one little bit.

Hey Screlkin! I was wondering when you were going to hit me up for some credits (yuk yuk). To answer your question, I wasn’t striving for either funny or sappy – the work is becoming more of a border stretching exercise. My friend and i, high off the late great Robert Creeley’s many savory collaborations, decided  to try our hand at it. The results have been slow in materializing, however (you’ll be pleased to know) the fun and overall joy portions have been bountiful.

I was actually thinking of trying to recruit some ‘urbis’ users for a similar experiment. My contention being: internet collaborations should as a rule almost certainly suck, thus, how could they.

As for the poem – you’re right about the ‘revel – sickly’ line, i have a problem with it for a slightly different reason though its immaterial at this point – the cutting room floor awaits!

Anyway, thank you for your review. So far i’ve gotten nothing but excellent criticism so it looks like my urbis addiction has been fed for another day.

Wow, I didn’t take you as a Creeley fan, that is great.
He is big into the minimalism, from the poem about
packs of hooligans it seemed like you were into flourishing
stanzas and things.  Both of them are just as wonderful
in poetry, though.
And yes, I was in need of credits, but this is a good
poem.  Gotta pay the bills.  

I met him in college actually, super cool guy. And yeah I like the minimalist stuff a lot I just think poets hide behind it sometimes. As for myself, i can’t write like that. i need meat on them bones.

Indeed they do hide behind it.  In my prose I am a minimalist, and sometimes it seeps into my poetry.  Raymond Carver never liked the term minimalism, he said it hinted at a ‘smallness of vision and execution’.  I am inclined to agree with him, though stripping art down to its marrow does not always work.
I try to avoid imposing too much of my own subjectivity on the reader though, I’d prefer to give them as little as possible for them to form the most out of their own imagination.

Raymond Carver! Hot damn, i like that guy a lot too. I’m going to get to some of your stories today.

Another review! thank you!

I’m going to pull some of the proverb-type statements out
of this one . . . i kinda like them, but no. and the
‘cinematic quality’ is a blushing bit of flattery for me
as i’ve learned more about narrative from film they i ever
could from (—insert favorite tedious novelist[ tolstoy
maybe? ]—) anyhooo, i’ve things to dooo. i like the cut
of your ‘jiff’ though – thanks a lot.

A warranted criticism. You’re almost certainly correct
about the paintings – as for the dance, really i’m still
an amateur student of it so my understanding of the
connection is probably little better than anyone else’s.
What i was hoping to do was to use this collaborative
effort as a way to escape cynicism, (a trap i fall into
far to easily in my writing) i.e. to write outside
myself by using someone else’s work as a point of
demarcation. A success? No, almost certainly not; but
i’m trying to stay playful and not let it get me
down …..... yet!

Anyhow, thank you for your thoughtful comments! I
really think your right about some kind of pacing
error after about the 13 -17 line. food for thought.

thanks again.