ah ha. i should have guessed it was you. your definitely at the top of the list as far as my favorite poets on here are concerned. i wish there was an easier way to contact people on this site. i’m gonna go read the rest of your work now.
Poetry / Prophecy for the Little Girl Staring at Me Over the Top of Her Seat on the 2:09 Train to Long Beach
Everyone has awkward years, but yours will be fantastically so.
You will have a series of bad haircuts.
You’ll smoke two packs a day and be overweight.
You will marry badly and always make that face
when your mother says your name.
Your own voice will deepen
then get softer
like stones of melting chocolate.
You’ll work fifty hours a week and always want to get out of Queens.
You will never get out of Queens.
Don’t put your tongue on that window.
Though the rain there makes a mosaic of your face
until you can’t tell just who you are,
this is who you are.
You will have a small garden and a basement apartment.
You will worry about the rent,
own thirty books you’ve never read
and more than one floral print dress.
You’ll love cool mornings best—
the feel of feet across linoleum,
their catch and glide—
and you’ll never be president.
When your little sister calls on so many late nights,
you’ll be patient.
You’ll remember the coo and urging of today: “It’s okay.”
And you’ll wonder why worn vinyl smells like a wish
you don’t remember making,
why you can’t face forward on a train.
Some days it’ll seem your life’s been wasted,
all of it procedure, a passing.
Gossip with the girls, Friday happy hour,
nylons drying on the sink.
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Nilla reviewed Version 1 -
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This is one of those poems that makes me say, “Now that is a poet.” I really like the title. It is actually what made me read the poem in the first place. Such a unique idea. As another reviewer said, I love how you pull us back to the scene on the train with “Don’t put your tongue on that window.” You make it clear that this is narration is happening “live”--the word “that” (such as “make that face” and “that window”) was a really effective choice. Your images are really fresh: “rain makes a mosiac of your face.” It gives me a clear picture of a young girl with her face pressed against the window of a train on a rainy day. Also, the line “this is who you are” made me trust the narrator for some reason. There are two lines in particular that will stick with me for a long time: “And you’ll wonder why worn vinyl smells like a wish you don’t remember making.” I simply love it. I love the contrast of something concrete like vinyl juxtaposed with something as abstract as a wish. Very well done. Also, I must say that I like the contrast of predictions. Some are universal (series of bad haircuts). Some are so specific, you really can’t help but believe them (own thirty books you never read). If I had to make a suggestion for improvements for this poem, it would be to enhance the predictions with more ultra-specific details--details that would only apply to this little girl.
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MapleStreet reviewed Version 1 -
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wow. this is one of the best things i’ve read on here. love the title, the flow of the piece, the way the phrases are turned, the exactness of the similies and the minute details of the moment that put me right on the train with you looking into this girl’s life. The line “Don’t put your tongue on that window.” pulls us back to the train and the next line gives us a broad statement, love the mosaic rain imagery, but something about the way that is phrased isn’t quite right; same goes for the first queens line. anything that’s wrong with this is very minute though. i wish i had more to offer in the way of critique but i think this piece is simply beautiful.
unwinding reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. Well aside from depressing the hell outta me, I really liked this poem. The poor woman.
Some really beautiful repetition in this poem and I also enjoyed the slow but direct language. Finally, a poem that didn’t beat me over the head with gothic symbolism and dense metaphors!
Something about the use of the word nylons in the last line didn’t sit right with me. It almost seems too old fashioned, or something. Might just be a culturally specific thing, though. Would prefer it to be a pair of hand-washed fancy bra or something.
Anyway, thanks for the read, I really enjoyed it.
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a beautiful poem because it started with a great idea. The title is what caught my eye, for some reason I love long titles, especially when they are witty. I also like how the whole poem is an assumption, and we are reminded of that when you weave in the part where the girl made the wish on the bus that she forgot, and when you tell us about the mosaic of her face. I always try to think of something that the poet could change about the piece, just to give ideas, so I will say that you could probably end it better, since you open it so hopefully.
Hollis reviewed Version 1 -
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Great poem. I love how the use of such ordinary language can express imagery so clearly. Great set-up in the title, and subsequent movement from childhood to an age where the subject reflects on her life. So enjoyable to read.
fade_to_red reviewed Version 1 -
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This is true free verse, in that it lacks a meter. There’s a few points where it sounds awkward, most notably the first four lines, which are critical.
Still, it’s both funny and sad, spiteful and compassionate. It’s also probably true.
VivianGirl reviewed Version 1 -
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This is absolutely breathtaking and I’m quickly adding it to my favorites. Honestly, I don’t know exactly what to say, other than, you write the way I wish I could write. These lines; “Don’t put your tongue on that window.
Though the rain there makes a mosaic of your face
until you can’t tell just who you are,
this is who you are,” are so hauntingly true, so incredibly insightful, I actually feel a little bit changed after reading this. It shows such depth of insight and understanding. I wish I had something to suggest, but you’ve painted the portrait with such stellar precision and accuracy, I feel like I’m way too much of an amateur to know how it could possibly be improved upon. Just beautiful, thank you so much for sharing your “prophecy” with us.
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