Young and constantly growing
Opinions of us are built
Dreams and aspirations are scripted for us
Unsure how we feel at the hand we were dealt
You search to find, to explore yourself
Your box feels too small
You cannot find, you do not know
How to explain all these important thoughts
Attempt to reach your highest limit
The faces say ‘It isn’t enough’
Wishing someone would show you how
It could just go back to being about love
The mask you where starts slipping
Who is waiting underneath?
A stranger, someone they don’t yet know
Someone you really want them to see?
They push back the cover, you pull it further down
Can no longer bear to be suffocated
No more energy, feel so tired
Feels like everyone’s suffered enough
You see they don’t understand you or who you wish to be
You feel you failed to reach the heights they picked for you to see
The realisation only chills you. You fail and say ‘I’m just me,
Make it about the love. Just leave the rest be
The branches’ attack as you run wildly through
To hide from the fear deep within
What you don’t know can’t hurt you
If you can’t see the truth you can pretend
Shelter protects you from the rain
But not from the racing thoughts in your mind
What have you done? Why did you do it?
As each rain filled day goes on above you
You sit and ignore the truth
Never the strongest and yes, a coward still
Searching for the strength to deal with it all
Each day a voice ‘What are you doing?’
A body full of goosebumps at the thought of the outcome
Honesty and truth rarely lead to fun
You have no idea if this race can possibly be won.
Past actions now fill you with shame and regret
You analyse every single word that was said
No wrongs, no rights, no higher ground
Just people wanting their real inner beings to be found
If the box was too small
Maybe you should have just said
Gave them the chance to help you find a better one
Prevented everyone feeling this dread
Epiphany’s hit you daily
Wrong roads have been taken still
You sit at the roundabout of choice
Was it all being about love the real truth?
You really should have realised they never wanted
Some plastic little doll
Just hoped and tried to show you the way
To a strong mind, strong heart, strong soul
It’s time to act and start repairing
Stop hiding and trying to bury it deep
You won’t get anywhere until it starts
Feeling just how it used to be
So what if you’re not who you once were, we all change
In your ways, your ambitions, your needs
You have to regain this missing part to help make
A whole version of whoever you finally grow up to be
Why is it we only realise we’re lucky
When we might be just too late
Though the grass always looks greener
Is that through hallucination or fate
An now it all seems so clear
You get the reasons for the ‘Do this’ and ‘Do that’
Life will never be the same without them
Actually it was definately about the love.
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I like the general message of this piece, though at times it borders on preachy, and it is probably about 6 stanzas longer than it needs to be.
My main issue to complain about is the format. While some stanzas are rhyming and paced, others are conversational and free of rhyme or meter. These are obvious sections to either omit excess material, or subtract for the sake of meeting the needs of a fixed format of your choice.
“The mask you [wear]”
You seem to wander off the theme of child vs. parents/authority around “The branches’ attack…” but you get back on track a few stanzas later.
“[And] now it all”
Kill cliches: “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”—“grass always looks greener” I know their uase is intentional, but they are still cliche.
‘Opinions of us are built ’- I’m left wondering if you mean opinions of each other, by each other, or opinions of ourselves by other people.
‘Dreams and aspirations are scripted for us’- aren’t dreams and aspirations personal to the individual, and decided by the individual? ‘The hand we are dealt’ is something we can all relate to, but it’s different to what we dream of doing, usually.
‘Your box feels too small’- I think this is unintentionally sexual.
‘The mask you where’- the mask you wear
‘Who is waiting underneath?’- We know the answer to this due to the previous line, so it might work better if it isn’t a question asked of the reader.
‘‘I’m just me, ’- You need to close the speech marks at the end of this.
‘rain-filled’- hyphenate
‘Each day a voice:’- the insertion of the colon indicates the speech comes from that voice.
‘A body full of goosebumps’- goosebumps appear on the outside of the body. If the body is ‘full’ of anything, what fills it would be on the inside.
‘Epiphany’s’- epiphanies. Plural. As in, at least one per day.
Try reading it out loud- I think some of your lines are too long.
I wasn’t sure of the meaning of all this. Perhaps after a second draft your actual message will be more resonant.
Pretty good poem. Maybe you should revise it and try giving it better rythym though.
The bad part of this is:
It was too long , two long pages of dialogue about things
that make up love. The problem with it is there was no
beginning and a very weak end.
Sorry ! I did not care for any of this, primarily because
it wss too long and I could find no direction in it.
Obviously the writer put a lot of thought and effort
into this poem.
It rhymed well.
A little forced.
You have talent, no doubt. This is amazing and usually I get bored extrememly fast with long poetry, but not with this. I was actually anticipating the next verse and so on
My favorite line has to be: Why is it we only realise we’re lucky
When we might be just too late
Though the grass always looks greener
Is that through hallucination or fate…
Will that the entire verse, huh? :]
Just overall, I like this.
Is “where” suppose to be “wear”
“The mask you where starts slipping”
I really like the flow of your writting, the line,
“Shelter protects you from the rain
But not from the racing thoughts in your mind.”
Really caught my attention and really helped create a better image of someone with seemingly endless amounts of thought’s pooring through their head.
The end was a little abrupt it seemed, it didn’t flow as well as the rest of the poem and could use a little more easing into. But over all great write.
Hmmm. Okay there were parts of this poem that I really enjoyed, lines that really clicked with me. But overall it seemed really fragmented, just as you would get into reading it, either the way you placed the line, or wrote it, it would throw you off and the flow was ripped. Definitely there’s talent. But it does need to be cleaned up. Just sit back and try to read it through, it should read cleanly and flowing. Also in the 4th stanza, bear should be bare. In the 5th stanza, realisation should be realization. And in the 5th stanza, the last line you used quote marks to show what she said but you didn’t use end quote marks. But overall good solid work, keep going, and thank you for the read.
watch for words like ‘the’‘and’‘a’
also, about 1/3 of the words can be taken out to make stronger stanzas. example: Opinions of us are built would be stronger as Opinions are built
Rhyme is something that is tricky. Just throwing in the rhyme is rather annoying to the mind. try to pace it out better. You don’t have many rhymes and their only in a small area watch for that.
I have to say fo rhtis being one of your worst, I’m surprised. I think its pretty good, but it does need some work. There is one line that just doesn’t quite fit- “Gave them the chance to help you find a better one”. I also think that its a little long. Maybe you could take something out? Just look it over. Its a pretty good start.
Hi there,
I enjoyed reading this and read it thru a few times to let it soak in. It feels like an emotional roller coaster. Painful at times, uncertainties that come into play. Which roads, choices should have been made. I am far from a technical reviewer. I stray from that purposely. I review for emotion, passion and flow. If I felt any tetchy boo boo’s and I am sure they will knock you for it, is having a few stanza’s that rhyme and most that do not. I personally don’t care. I look for the passion. The sentence that had one misspelled word is tagged below with the word ‘where’ needing to be ‘wear’. No biggie. Overall I gave you a solid eight and truly enjoyed feeling what you were conveying, like your closing line; it’s all about the love, great job! me…
“The mask you where starts slipping”
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