Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed this one and please do look for my other posts: The House Dick; Memoirs of a Player.
Short Story / The Sweepstakes
Each Wednesday during the school year the El Dorado Park Irregulars met for breakfast at Jim’s, a local San Antonio coffee shop and eatery. The Irregulars, or EDI as they preferred to call themselves, were primarily stay at home mothers and unemployed wives who, after packing off children and husbands for the day, gathered for a mid-week breakfast outing. Essentially an ad hoc gathering, the EDI did have a regular core membership that included Sara Perez, Jill Patterson, Helen Trauber, and me, the sole male among the regulars. However, in April that year events unfolded that swelled the regular attendee ranks of the EDI to nine. Lest anyone doubt the veracity of what follows, I should point out that I am the duly elected Historian for the El Dorado Park Homeowners Association, and I am duty bound to accurately present the facts and circumstances of the happenings within our community.
El Dorado Park is a small development of some 137 homes in northwest San Antonio. The residents are primarily semi-professionals who have clawed their way to middle management positions. Breakfast at Jim’s was an indulgence well within the budgetary constraints of most families in the community. Talk at these morning feasts usually revolved around kids, house cleaning, and cooking; although there was the occasional glimpse into the bedroom when the wives forgot I was there.
On this particular April morning the breakfast was already in progress when Helen Trauber came rushing in, breathless and obviously excited. Sara Perez spoke first. “Catch your breath, Helen. What happened? Did Frank’s Viagra prescription come in early?‿
“I won the trip!‿ gasped Helen. “We’re going to Hawaii. I need to call Frank. He needs to get some time off. I need a new swimsuit.‿
“Slow down,‿ Sara said. “What do you mean you won the trip?‿
Helen paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “I entered the Travel Channel Sweepstakes and won the grand prize. It’s a trip for eight people for ten days in Hawaii. I never won anything before. I can’t believe it. I have to call Frank.‿
“That’s great!‿ said Jill. “Who’re you taking? Besides Frank, of course.‿
“I don’t know. I haven’t even told Frank yet. We’ve never been to Hawaii before. I can’t believe I won. Y’all just go ahead and order. I can’t eat. I have to tell Frank.‿
And she was gone.
We sat for a few minutes in stunned silence. Jill Peterson broke the spell, “I wonder who she’ll take. Her sister, I suppose. That still leaves four more people, two couples.‿
We each looked around the table. I’m not a math whiz, but I counted three remaining couples in the regular EDI group. I suspect everyone else was thinking the same thing and wondering which member of the EDI would be left out of the trip to paradise.
“Well I, for one, am just happy for Helen,‿ said Sara, “and the important thing is that she and Frank are getting a nice vacation.‿
“Oh, cut the crap, Sara,‿ Jill said. “You’re just thinking you’re in because you believe Helen can’t get along without you. You want that trip just as much as the rest of us.‿
“Okay, but I deserve the trip,‿ said Sara. “I’m the one that got Helen to come to these breakfasts every week. She was a real home body until I coaxed her out. Of course she’ll pick me and Manny. The only question is which of you two will she pick?‿
“Maybe she has other family,‿ I offered.
“No, just a sister,‿ said Sara. “See? I know her better than either of you.‿
“Oh, Bull!‿ Jill said. “I knew she only has a sister. She’s married to some guy that works for the city.‿
Now, it so happened that Jim Harrison, a free lance computer web page designer, was also at breakfast this morning. Until recently Jim had been keeping a low profile within the community ever since The Contest, which I have chronicled elsewhere in the official history. Suffice it to say at this point that Jim, in his zeal to win Yard of the Year, either intentionally or accidentally had caused a perennial winner of the award to destroy his own meticulously landscaped yard in a vain search for buried treasure. The victim, Mike Barry, suffered a nervous breakdown as a result of Jim’s machinations, and soon thereafter left our community. Jim won, and later was stripped of, the coveted award and The Contest was abandoned by the Homeowners Association.
“Perhaps I can help,‿ said Jim.
The others looked to me, somewhat skeptically considering Jim’s shaky record. My own part in the debacle of The Contest was a matter of some whispers among the more cynical members of our community, although it should be noted that I was officially exonerated.
“I don’t know, Jim,‿ I said, “I think this is something that is best left to Helen and Frank. After all, we don’t know who they may want to invite.‿
Sara piped in her agreement which prompted Jill to disagree.
“You may be right,‿ said Jim, “but look how it’s already ripping the group apart. I think everyone would agree that I am not in the running.‿ Heads nodded in agreement and Jim continued. “It seems to me it would make sense to have an impartial person such as myself serve as referee. That way Helen and Frank would not have the pressure of having to decide, and no one’s feelings will be hurt if they’re not the one selected.‿
A moment of silent reflection followed before Jill asked, “What do you have in mind, Jim?‿
“Well, I’m just speaking off the top of my head, mind you. I’m thinking that a scavenger hunt would be interesting. We could open it up to the whole association. Whoever comes back fastest with the most correct items would win.‿
“Sounds overly complicated to me,‿ I said.
“Not really,‿ said Jim. “I could whip something up in no time.‿
Sara scratched her head. “Why not just a simple lottery, and why should we include the whole association? I mean, we’re the ones who are Helen’s real friends. It just doesn’t seem right that it should include anyone outside the EDI.‿
“I hate to admit it, but Sara has a point,‿ said Jill. “I’m only thinking of Helen here, and I’d hate to think she could be stuck going to Hawaii with people she doesn’t even know.‿
Sara rolled her eyes. “I’m sure Jill is ‘only thinking of Helen,’ but she’s right. As Helen’s best friend, I can assure you she would not be comfortable with just anyone on this trip. It should be confined to us.‿
“Well,‿ Jim countered, “that seems to be overly restrictive. Over the past several months lots of people from the neighborhood have come to these breakfasts. It wouldn’t be right to exclude them just because they can’t make it every week.‿
“Yeah, that sounds fair,‿ I said, “but lots of other people have never come to breakfast. They shouldn’t get a chance at the trip just because they live in El Dorado Park.‿
“We could make a list,‿ said Jill. “We’ll figure out who has come to breakfast and include them in the drawing.‿
“The scavenger hunt,‿ Jim said.
“I don’t think we agreed on that,‿ said Sara.
“Now, hold on,‿ said Jim. “Y’all asked me to be the impartial referee in this matter. It’s only fair that I determine how the trip will be awarded. If you want to do it yourselves, fine; but as long as I’m the referee I’ll make the rules. I don’t need to sit here and be insulted.‿
Jim started to get up to leave but I grabbed his arm. “Come on, Jim, nobody’s insulting anybody. We just didn’t know you had settled on the scavenger hunt. After all, you did say it was just an idea off the top of your head.‿ I didn’t actually remember anyone asking Jim to referee, but I didn’t want to aggravate the situation.
Jim sat down and crossed his arms as Jill attempted to assuage his anger. “Yeah, Jim, we’re not trying to insult you. We love the idea. How would it work?‿
Jim looked at Sara. “What about you? Do you still want my help in this or do you want to give up your spot?‿
“Okay,‿ said Sara, “since everyone else seems to agree, I guess I do, too. And I’m not giving up my spot to anyone.‿
“It’s settled then,‿ said Jim.
For the next hour we created a list of those who would be invited to participate in the scavenger hunt. We culled the list to include only those who had met for at least two breakfasts in the past six months, and eventually came up with four additional residents. The scavenger hunt was set to take place 24 days hence, on Saturday, April 25th. We agreed that the selectees would be notified by Jim and that, to maintain eligibility, they would have to attend at least two of the next three breakfast meetings. We also agreed, at Jim’s insistence, that Helen would not be privy to the plan, and future breakfast conversation could make no mention of the scavenger hunt or Hawaii.
“It’s only right,‿ said Jim, “that Helen be spared the details of the hunt. After all, we’re only doing this to save her the trouble of choosing among her friends. Telling her now would only put undue hardship on her.‿
I wasn’t sure how that would create a hardship and, in fact, I thought Helen may want to have some say in how her travel companions would be selected. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to get Jim worked up again. Still, it would be an overstatement to say I left breakfast that morning satisfied that all would be well.
Over the next week, Jim contacted each of the other parties selected for participation in the scavenger hunt. He swore each to silence and informed them of their probationary status pending their attendance at the Wednesday EDI breakfasts. Of course, he also cautioned each that Helen was not to be informed of the upcoming quest, and that any mention of it at breakfast would lead to their immediate disqualification. Naturally, with a trip to Hawaii in the balance, everyone readily agreed to the terms of the competition.
The next three Wednesdays’ breakfasts were filled with tension as the EDI ranks swelled with people obsessed of a common purpose, but constrained from giving voice to the goal. Jim silently officiated to ensure the rules of engagement were scrupulously followed. Helen, of course, was the center of attention but appeared to be at a loss as to why no one wanted to discuss her upcoming Hawaiian odyssey.
“Isn’t anyone curious about my sweepstakes vacation?‿ she asked.
“Of course we’re all interested,‿ said Jim, “and we’re excited for you and Frank. It’s just that we rarely have such a large group at breakfast and we wanted to hear about what’s happening with everyone.‿
“Oh,‿ said Helen. “I’m sorry. I guess it is selfish to think I’m the only one with news.‿
Misty Baker leaned in and placed her hand over Helen’s. “Nonsense, Helen. You are the most unselfish person we know. I know Billy and I are always saying how nice it is to have you as a neighbor and how much you deserve this trip.‿ This earned a stern warning look from Jim, and Misty pulled back as if Helen’s hand were poison ivy.
The buxom young Misty Baker was a personal fitness trainer and a relative newcomer to El Dorado Park. There was wide speculation that she didn’t even own a bra or, if she did, it was the most underutilized item in her wardrobe. She often bicycled around the neighborhood and when she did the men suddenly felt the urge to do lawn work or otherwise commune with nature. She had been to a couple previous EDI breakfasts but, to be honest, they may not have been within the six month eligibility period. I had argued passionately and effectively for her inclusion as a contestant in the scavenger hunt. If Terry and I were one of the winning couples I would certainly be rooting for Misty and Bill Baker to be the other.
Time passed quickly and soon the big day arrived. All seven couples gathered at Jim Harrison’s place at 9:00 o’clock that morning – Misty and Billy Baker, Connie and Rob Santos, Kelly and Fred McNeil, Mary and Dan Gustav, and, of course, the regular EDI members and spouses, sans Helen. Jim had set up an easel with a large erasable white board in his back yard which was designated the starting and ending point of the scavenger hunt. The board was covered with a large black cloth to conceal what was written upon it.
At precisely 9:05 Jim called the assemblage to attention. “Welcome to the great vacation quest,‿ he began. “The rules are simple. On this board are five items that must be brought back to this spot. You will each also have a written copy of what’s on the board. Each item is hidden in a riddle that must be solved in order to bring the correct object. The couple bringing back the most correct items in the shortest time will be the winner. Since there are only five items there will be a time limit. All couples must be back here by noon. Anyone later than that will be disqualified. Any questions?‿
There were no questions and Jim flipped away the cloth covering the white board to reveal the following:
1. Bring something that starts with “E‿ ends with “E‿ and only has one letter in it.
2. Bring a coin that doubles in value when half is deducted
3. Bring the 3 fruits inter-lettered below.
OLPREEAMANOCGNHE
4. One three-letter word can be added to the blanks below to make a new word in each case. Bring the thing that makes the three letter word.
_ BOARD
_ STONE
_ PUNCH
_ HOLE
5. Dogs do it on three legs. Men do it standing up. Ladies do it sitting down. You must bring a photo of you and your spouse doing it together in a public parking lot.
“We’ll be arrested if we do number five,‿ cried Tom Patterson. “We won’t do it!‿
“Oh yes we will!‿ said Jill.
Misty just giggled and said, “Billy and I have done it before, just not on film.‿
“The clock is running,‿ said Jim. “No one will be arrested for anything if all is done quickly and correctly. Go!‿
With that the race was on. Terry and I determined a strategy of speed over accuracy. We reasoned that if we got at least three of the items and raced back quickly we could win. Since one of the items involved fruit we headed directly to a local grocery store. Others apparently had the same strategy as several contestants swarmed over the fruit displays. I stood scratching my head over the puzzle while Terry grabbed fruit. She called for me to follow while she sprinted toward the checkout with an arm full of fruit.
“Whoa!‿ I said. “The puzzle says there are three fruits and you grabbed a whole fruit salad there.‿
“Hurry up,‿ Terry ordered. “We’ll figure out which fruits are right later. The three correct fruits must be in here somewhere.‿
I chuckled in devious delight at the cleverness of my bride. We rushed to the checkout and dumped the fruit on the belt. As we waited, Terry grabbed the puzzle list from my hand. Her furrowed brow and jutting lower lip indicated she was deep in thought.
“I got it!‿ she cried.
“Which fruits are they?‿ I asked.
“No, not the fruits, the coin.‿ She looked furtively about and whispered, “It’s a half dollar coin. Take away ‘half’ and it’s a dollar. See?‿
“No, Hon, half of a half dollar is a quarter.‿
She gave me that exasperated look she usually reserved for the particularly dim witted. “Don’t think of the value, think of the puzzle. Think of the words ‘half dollar’ and then think of it if you take away the word ‘half.’‿
When our turn came to pay she asked the cashier for a fifty cent piece in change. The clerk looked dubious as she rummaged through her change drawer. “I don’t know if I have any… Wait! Here you go, Ma’am, I did have one.‿
Terry gave a jubilant cry, grabbed the coin and the bag of fruit and raced toward the exit. I ran to catch up. Once Terry gets into the spirit she becomes obsessed. I feared what would come next.
She was 15 yards ahead of me and already popping the trunk. She unceremoniously dumped the fruit into the trunk and grabbed our digital camera and a large cardboard box. She quickly looked around and spotted two vans parked adjacent to each other in the next row.
“C’mon,‿ she cried. “Get between those vans and get ready to pee. I’ll set up the camera.‿
“Uh, Hon, I’m not sure this is a good idea. I think we’re missing something in this riddle.‿
“Don’t be a wuss. We’re here and ready. I’ll set this on delay and we’ll be done in less than ten seconds.‿
With that she set the camera on the box, focused, and tripped the delay shutter release. My demure wife who, after 21 years of wedded bliss, modestly covers up when I walk into our room and catch her in bra and panties, was about to drop trou in the grocery parking lot. Suddenly, the van door opened and a deep voice said, “Terry, is that you?‿ It was one of Terry’s co-workers, Mitch Wheeler. Flustered, Terry quickly refastened her jeans and ran shrieking to our car. “Scavenger hunt,‿ I said by way of explanation. I grabbed up the camera and followed my mortified spouse.
We didn’t speak as I hastily backed out of the space and sped through the lot to the safety of the street. As we drove I spotted a pet store with a dog obedience class in progress in the parking lot. “That’s it!‿ I shrieked, and squealed into the lot. “We’re doing it here, Terry.‿
She began to protest but I explained my rationale and she agreed that I was right. I jumped out of the car and ran over to a young woman who was standing by the sidelines and watching the instructor put her yorkie through its paces. I showed the young woman the riddle and asked her to take our picture. She giggled but agreed to help. “Strange contest,‿ she said. Terry and I quickly did the deed, got the picture, and headed out. While I drove, Terry worked on the fruit puzzle.
“I got it,‿ she said. “Orange – Lemon – Peach. Those are the three fruits. We have three correct items.‿
We struggled over the remaining two puzzles. After some thought we came up with ‘key’ as the answer to number 4 on the list. Try as we may, we could not cipher the answer to question one. With 45 minutes to go until noon we opted to forget the first question and go directly to turn in our four correct items.
We were first in and Jim was eager to see how we had done. He had a photo printer set up for those with a digital camera and he quickly printed out an 8 by 10 copy of our picture. He smiled when he saw it and placed it face down with our other entries. He wrote our time on the white board opposite our names and we waited. Over the next 35 minutes all but Connie and Rob Santos had come in. When they still hadn’t shown by the appointed hour, they were declared disqualified.
We later learned that they had been detained by Wal-Mart security for attempting to urinate in the parking lot. It seems this had been a popular spot with our contestants and, by the time the Santos arrived, the crack Wal-Mart security forces were waiting for them. No charges were filed once the store manager learned of the nature of the contest and the Santos agreed to clean up a few puddles. Rob Santos vowed he would find a way to get back at the other contestants and begged to see whatever surveillance tape evidence might exist. After a heated argument, the security guard admitted that the cameras in the parking lot had not been turned on.
While the Santos were spreading cat litter and sweeping the remains into an appropriate receptacle, the other six couples were eagerly gathered around the white board. With a gift for melodrama Jim announced that he would reveal each entrant’s solutions, starting with number five. He sadistically flipped each photo for all to see. Five of the photos showed the couples in various degrees of clarity, but all quite obviously using assorted parking lots as public restrooms. As he flipped the photo Terry and I had submitted he announced, “This is the only correct entry for number five.‿ The picture showed me standing and Terry sitting while we shook hands.
“No way!‿ shrieked Sara.
“Yes way.‿ Replied Jim. “The puzzle did not say male dogs do it on three legs. The correct answer had to be something all dogs do on three legs. Also, proper etiquette suggests men should stand to shake hands while women remain seated.‿
Five couples raced to rip the photos from the white board. All but Misty and Billy destroyed the pictures on the spot. I saw her slip the photo into her purse.
It was somewhat anticlimactic as one by one Jim revealed the remaining correct answers. At the end of the day, three couples were tied at four correct responses so it came down to time. Terry and I, of course, were in first. Misty and Billy Baker beat Sara and Manny Perez by three minutes and would be the final couple on the trip. Misty shrieked with glee and rushed over to hug me while Billy hugged Terry. We then started jumping in a group hug like a quartet of winning cheerleaders.
“This is just bull!‿ said Sara. “If that damn Helen takes you instead of me she can just rot in her house for all I care.‿
“I’m with Sara,‿ said Jill. “Tom and I deserve that trip even if it has to be with duddy old Helen. This contest was bogus.‿
There were a few other desultory comments by others. I was about to speak up in defense of the fairness of the scavenger hunt when a strange hush came over the crowd. I turned to see Becky Harrison and Helen Trauber standing by the gate. Helen started to say something, thought better of it, and ran from the yard. Becky turned to follow but was restrained by Jim. “Better let her go,‿ he said. “How much do you think she heard?‿
“Everything,‿ said Becky. “I went to get her to tell her how her ‘friends’ had tried to spare her the tough decision of who, if anyone, she would invite on the Hawaiian vacation. I don’t think that will be an issue now.‿
Becky fixed a cold stare on each of us in turn. “Of course I just learned something that you don’t know.‿
“What’s that?‿ asked Jim.
“Think back. When did Helen tell you about the trip?‿
“I don’t know. I guess it was a little over three weeks ago.‿ I said.
“Twenty-four days ago to be exact,‿ said Becky. “This is the 25th. See if anybody can solve the riddle of what day she told you.‿
A collective groan went up from the assemblage as we got the message. We had been had! The whole Hawaiian vacation was an April Fools’ Day gag.
“Helen planned to tell you it was a joke but then no one would let her talk about it and she figured no one cared. I wonder whose idea that was?‿ She turned and withered Jim with a look that any man married more than a month recognized as a sentence to one or more nights on the couch.
We slinked slowly away, each with our own thoughts about what we lost. Some lost only their dignity while others lost a friend. We all lost the pleasant weekly breakfast. The EDI never met again. Sara and Jill, so far as anyone knows, never spoke to each other after that day. Eventually, Helen forgave most of us and the incident was seldom discussed openly. One lasting impact of The Sweepstakes, as it came to be called, has been the near universal shunning of any April Fools’ Day foolery within El Dorado Park.
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msgtsnake reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty funny work you got here. Very amusing. Loved the humor in this. I also loved how the story sounds like it happens in everyone’s everyday life.
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in_the_dark_night_of_my_soul reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this story. It is funny how very true it is. It is at times like that, that you really find out who your true friends are and it is usally when you have something they want. Said to see in todays society, but the truth any ways. I really liked how you turned it around on them in the end making them look the fool for it.
michaelpowers reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice, colorful characters. Not a lot of character development but I think in this story that’s not all that important. The dialogue and descriptions are done well and it’s a funny piece.
The only suggestions that I have is that you take out this part -
Now, it so happened that Jim Harrison, a free lance computer web page designer, was also at breakfast this morning. Until recently Jim had been keeping a low profile within the community ever since The Contest, which I have chronicled elsewhere in the official history.
I’m sure that it might make sense to those that have read your other pieces but to the casual reader it wouldn’t.
And the ending should be fixed up a bit. It ends too abruptly. Maybe have Helen speak to the EDI back at the restaurant.
jerjonji reviewed Version 1 -
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This 16 word review has not been unlocked.
KAKTIS reviewed Version 1 -
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This story by far had me and kept me interested from the second paragraph on down. (It was hard to really concentrate seeing as how I’m at work now reading) The plot and character we’re believeable. They all came off as the ‘leave it to beaver’ type neighborhood. It was amazing to see how one trip could make a group of friendly neighbors act like a bunch of blood thirsty criminals.
And to make it worse, they all were trying to hide it all from Helen. It was a shame that someone so little caused them to act that way. This definitely was a gem to read. And partially the end was great-they all deserved that. The comments by helen being a dry duddy was hilarious, some friends she had. Overall this was a good piece. The part of the riddle where people were thinking that urinates in a parking lot was the answer, was classic. It takes a real talented and sly creative mind to incorporate something like that in a tasteful and tactful way. And in the end they all got what they deserved.
This was a joy to read. I hope to see more from you.
Evilpsychokitty reviewed Version 1 -
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This was well done. It has both a lesson and comedy in it. I have to say I like the ending the most when it came out that it was all a joke. It made the EDI look like idiots.
Good Job
MacDuff reviewed Version 1 -
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A good yarn with a humourous and interesting narration. I especially liked the start with the description of the community and how it mostly consisted of middle managers and bored house wives.
However after the first few paragraphs when you move inside the coffee shop and start considering the EDI it seems to change and gets a bit “talking heads” for my liking.
Another thing niggled me a little, wouldn’t there be at least one voice of reason in the group (the narration himself sounds like a pretty logical, intelligent character). This wouldn’t have to breakdown the flow of the rest of the story all that would be needed is for one of the characters to at least voice the question that readers like me are asking and then have one of the other EDI dismiss it.
When you do give details on the characters you do so very well. I especially liked the description about Misty Baker. I would have liked to have seen more asides like this, more anecdotes about the people who live in Eldorado park, they’re very amusing.
Personally I’d have liked to see the dialogue with a bit more details on the characters and the settings. I found the dialogue quite real but I would have liked to have a bit more of a hand in visualising things. Apologies if you’ve dealt with all of this in your other stories, I’ve not seen them yet. However, if this story (or any of the other stories)is meant to stand on its own you may want to look at that.
All in all though its an enjoyable read but it could be made better with a few elaborations in a couple of areas.
Serendipity133 reviewed Version 1 -
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To be honest with you, the only real issue I have with this piece is the wordiness of the sentences in the first paragraph. I can understand wanting to get as much description in as quickly as possible, but you really almost lost me.
I’m thrilled that I kept reading though, because I loved the rest of it. It’s sometimes difficult to write characters into humerous situations without making them rediculous or unbelivable. And the twist at the end about the joke was fantastic. Homor with a moral that doesn’t beat you over the head.
I truly enjoyed this.
LokiTrister reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t particularly care for the story to much, and I was also confused by the little squares. What are they for? I noticed they were usually used in place of a ” mark but in some spots they took places of other punctuation as well. Spelling was good, I didn’t see any huge mistakes, and if I did notice any, it wasn’t a huge error.
The plot, to me, was kinda… dull. But I’m not into the whole genre either, but if I could offer advice, it would be to speed some areas up.
Bridgeport reviewed Version 1 -
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That was a brilliant little story. I pity the person who can’t figure out the envelope riddle, as the answer was not revealed in the story.
I like the black humor, particularly the comfort with which all these covetous people blithely assume ownership of Helen’s spare tickets.
Helen runs off at the end, and until the April Fools reveal, I thought she was upset and horrified. I would’ve loved for her to have a little gloat session at the scavengers’ expense at the end, instead of vanishing.
How come nobody figures out Jim’s connection? I guess they were all consumed with the thoughts of Hawaii.
Excellent stuff, I loved it.
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