Non-fiction / A woman's worth
With all the challenges I’ve faced throughout my twenty- two years of living its hard to imagine anybody living to tell about them. But as the saying goes, “what can’t kill you will only make you stronger.” And through it all I’ve gained strength I never knew I had. Even now as my mind goes back into the past I find myself sighing and saying “damn…” But then that’s the shit that made me the woman that I am today so for all you volunteer judges out there I could give a shit less of what you think of me. After hearing my story, some that know me may even look at me differently. Look, I’m not writing this out of self pity, nor am I glorifying the situations by going into detail about them. But I can honestly say it was all a growing transformation from the person I was at fifteen to the woman I am becoming.
Let me start by saying I’m not from a single parent home so that’s not the excuse for the things I’ve done. As a matter-of-fact I had both parents in the home. I even had two older stepsisters. Come to think of it my parents seemed pretty happy when I was a preteen. It was soon after that I found out that “looks can be deceiving.” I was always daddy’s little girl and that will never change. What did change as I got older was the love my mother had for me. Well I wouldn’t say it changed, it seemed to transform into resentment. I mean, it was obvious that she was a little jealous of the relationship between me and my father. And I know some people out there are probably saying, I was a spoiled little brat who purposely stole the spotlight from my mother. That wasn’t the case. As a matter of fact my mother made me feel so unwanted at times that I would feel guilty and not want as much of the attention. I figured sharing the spotlight would bring us closer together (my mother and I) but it only heightened my father’s concern and increased my mothers alcholhol consumption. The more she drank the more she verbally resented me. My father would say, “she doesn’t mean anything she says” or “she’s just drunk, she doesn’t mean any of it.” But I believe the saying, “a drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts.” My father was my only refuge from feeling unwanted. But when I was fifteen my mother did something that made feeling unwanted seem like winning the lottery. She left my father for a younger man. How could a woman sacrifice her family for her own self pleasure. At the time I had two younger sisters and a brother so my father wasn’t the only one effected by the groundbreaking earthquake that separated him from my mother. I remember seeing the man who was my security crying and there wasn’t shit I could do or say because I never felt the pain he was feeling. Hell, I was so numb from my mothers words it felt like I was wearing an artificial limb and she was standing there cutting through it. Were talking about sixteen years of love that was lost in a quick second. How would I understand that hurt? All I could do was mix him another drink and lend my shoulder to cry on. I knew from that point on I had to take care of my siblings and my father so it was time to grow up. The fact that I didn’t have very big shoes to fill made it easy at first. I had a little bullshit job, but once I realized it only got my sisters and brothers the necessities they needed, the six twenty-five and hour wasn’t going to cut it. And that was part-time because of school of course. And I might as well have been full time because most of the time I would skip school to go hang out with guys. Well mainly one guy in particular, Rondell. See, my daddy was very over protective over me, and didn’t let me hang out at night because my older sisters were wild as hell and he didn’t want me to follow suit. So basically I used school as a way to get out. Rondell was the first guy that acted like he cared about me and we say each other for about a good six to eight months. My first love. But something that seemed so right was just another disappointment in my life. He ended up leaving me just like my mother. That was the first time I actually felt the pain from a broken heart. For the first few months after I would wait up at night waiting for the phone to ring for some answers to at least why he left. He owed me that much. I eventually got over it after my eyes could no longer produce water. I had to move on. Money was more important and my family had very little of it. I went to a friend of the family and mentioned something to him about needing a way to make some quick money because times were not getting any better. He told me about some girls he knew that were in the same situation as mine and gave me a number. The number was for a couple who sponsored exotic dancers, so I called it and went for it. Mind you, I was still only sixteen even though I didn’t look it. But words wouldn’t prove that so I used my sisters ID since we looked identical in the face. I remember my first night, quite an experience. When they came to pick me up there were other girls in the truck, but I was the only white one and they all gave me funny looks. But once we all got to talking I guess they found out that we had more in common than they thought. We pulled up to this nice house with cars lined up everywhere outside. I can’t even lie, that was the scariest moment in my life. At the front entrance we were greeted by an older black man that invited us in, escorted us straight up some stairs and showed us where we could change. Second scariest moment. I introduced my self as Angel. After changing we went downstairs were the passengers of all those cars were waiting. There were so many people there. The man from the front door could tell how nervous I was, and stayed at my side for a while to make sure I was ok. Seeing those other girls bust out of there shells so freely made me afraid to compete so I just ran back up stairs. There was still one girl changing and when she saw me enter the room she knew I was a first timer. While she was telling me about her first time the man walked in and asked her to leave the room. She held my hand on her way out and told me I would be ok. Once she left the room the man began to coach me on how to handle the whole situation. He asked if I needed something to drink. Right then and there I was like give me the strongest shit you have.
After the second or third drink I started to loosen up. He was telling me how to handle his fellas, but I saw a look in his eye that made me feel like a waste of his time. In a sexy tone with a sweet smile I asked him if he wanted to be my first lap dance. He said “if your ready, sure” my response was “coming all the way here not to make money would be senseless.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out three hundred dollars and said very sincerely “make it a memorable one.” We both grinned and I laughed lightly before breaking into a slow dance. He must of enjoyed it because he stopped me after a few minutes and said “if you can move like this my boys will go broke!” Then a few minutes later he walked me don stairs to join the rest of the party.
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comma after “years of living”
“its hard” – “it’s hard”
“what can’t kill you…” – no quotes
comma after “through it all”
comma after “Even now”
comma after “into the past”
capitalize “damn…”
comma after “that I am today”
comma after “judges out there”
“could give a shit less” – I know that some people say it this way, but it’s actually “couldn’t give…”
“self pity” – hyphenate
“single parent home” – “single-parent home” – comma after “home”
do not hyphenate “matter of fact” in this usage – comma after “fact”
comma after “Come to think of it”
“looks can be deceiving” – no quotes
comma after “daddy’s little girl”
“Well I wouldn’t” – comma after “Well”
semicolon or period, not comma, after “say it changed”
no comma after “probably saying”
comma after “As a matter of fact”
comma before “but it only heightened”
“my mothers alcholhol” – “my mother’s alcohol”
comma after “The more she drank”
“verbally resented me” – ?? – awkward phrasing – do you mean “verbally expressed her resentment of me”?
“she doesn’t mean…” – capitalize “she”
“she’s just drunk, she doesn’t…” – “She’s just drunk; she doesn’t…”
“a drunk mans” – “A drunk man’s”
comma after “when I was fifteen”
“How could a woman sacrifice…” – end with question mark, not period
comma after “At the time”
comma after “and a brother”
“the only one effected” – “affected”
comma after “crying”
“my mothers words” – “mother’s” – comma after “words”
“Were talking about” – “We’re”
“years of love that was lost” – ”...were lost”
comma before “it was time to grow up”
“six twenty-five and hour” – “six-twenty-five an hour”
comma before “of course”
“full time” – hyphenate – comma after
“Well mainly one” – comma after “Well”
“over protective” – one word
comma after “wild as hell”
comma after “cared about me”
“we say each other” – “saw”?
comma after “For the first few months after”
“wait up at night waiting” – awkward – try “sit up at night waiting” instead
comma after “phone to ring”
comma after “Money was more important”
“so I called it and went for it”- delete first “it”
comma after “only sixteen”
comma after “couldn’t prove that”
“my sisters ID since” – “my sister’s ID, since”
comma after “pick me up”
comma after “only white one”
comma after “got to talking”
semicolon, not comma, after “can’t even lie”
comma after “At the front entrance”
“man that invited us in” – “man who…”
comma after “After changing”
“were the passengers” – “where”
“there shells” – “their”
comma after “afraid to compete”
comma after “one girl changing”
comma after “enter the room”
“first timer” – hyphenate
comma after “her first time”
comma after “left the room”
comma after “then and there”
“I was like give me the strongest shit you have” – “I was, like, “Give me…”
comma after “In a sexy tone”
comma after “sweet smile”
“if your ready” – “If you’re ready” – period after “sure”
“my response” – “My”
comma after “sincerely”
“make it a memorable” – “Make”
comma after “grinned”
“must of” – “must have”
comma after “enjoyed it”
comma after “a few minutes and said”
“if you can move” – “If”
comma after “like this”
“Then a few minutes later he” – “Then, a few minutes later, he”
“don stairs” – “downstairs”
The candid voice suits the subject matter.
I do feel like this narrative jumps around a bit, and that the end part doesn’t have enough of a resolution.
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