Really? Your kids do these things? I feel for you.
Glad you enjoyed it. I switched it to the poem category.
If I was still a five-year old…
…I wouldn’t play upsie-daisy with my cat.
…I wouldn’t try to swallow a butter knife, even if it was a double-dog dare.
…I wouldn’t eat my mom’s wax fruit, no matter how good it looked.
…I wouldn’t confuse my glue stick for my chap-stick.
…I wouldn’t try to open a soda with the drinking end pointed at my nose after I rolled it down the stairs.
…I wouldn’t try offering the soda to my mom, either.
…I wouldn’t coat the wheels of my rollerblades with cooking oil just because Tommy skates faster than me.
…I wouldn’t yell “Fire!” at a barbeque.
…I wouldn’t keep a pet stink-bug. Double that for a pet vomit-bug.
…I wouldn’t collect used band-aids, even if they did have my favorite cartoon characters on them.
…I wouldn’t sneeze when closely examining the box of chocolates my dad gave to my mom, trying to find the piece with the almonds in it.
…I wouldn’t dig a hole to China. Disneyland, maybe.
…I wouldn’t make a soap-box helicopter.
…I wouldn’t fall down an abandoned well just so I’d miss church.
…I wouldn’t wrestle on the professional circuit under the name “El Minusculo.”
…I wouldn’t try to trade my brother to roving gypsies for a red violin. Mom would make me practice it, I’m sure.
…I wouldn’t instigate a “Revolucion!” at my school.
…And if space aliens landed their spaceship in my backyard, and tied up my parents, and my brother, and my pets, and they were all choking on the gags in their mouths, and the aliens wanted to steal my mom’s fine silver to help fire their planet-cracking death ray, I wouldn’t call the Air Force for help because they’re always denying the existence of UFOs.
Copyright ©2005 by Stephen Pool
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LOL! This is a very witty poem reflecting the innocence, creativity and often foolishness of being a child. Well done
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This is absolutely hilarious! I love the whole poem! So many of these things… I’ve never done! Lol! Great poem.
I really like this. It made me laugh. I think I will read it to my kids so maybe they will know better than I did. That wax fruit was never any good!!
Lol..that’s cute. I have children and I find that my children do a lot of those things. It’s humorous and creative, and I don’t know what you’d considered it, but I’d just leave it at poem for the convenience.
July 06, 2006
This piece definately struck me as a poem and I read it as such. Maybe there were some technical things that could be changed but that is not for me to decide – The humour you injected into it was superb. I liked the way I interpreted it, how it was a reflection of the past with regrets in a childlike manner(that sense of fun) – Hope I make sense here! - but then the end brought me a feeling that kids today, know too much for their own good! Humourous
This all sounds like the sort of thing the people in my class have tried (especially instigating a “Revolucion!”). The funny thing is, we’re 17 and 18!
Anyways, I love this piece, although I can’t see any five-year-olds actually taking the advice into consideration. You should make a series out of this, with advice for everyone from age 1 to whenever you think you would want to stop. That would be interesting to see.
This is so very funny!!! Are any of these from personal experience? I think the “were” at the beginning should be “was.” Were is a plural form, was is singular. ”I” is singular, so I think it should be “If I was still . . .” Hope that’s of help! Again, very nice!
April 20, 2006
This was really cute and funny. It really is some good advice. I really liked the part about trading your brother to the gypsies for a violin and having mom make you practice it. How funny! I also liked the crack about the Air Force and UFOs. I think this would be an interesting element that could fit nicely in a children’s and/or parent’s book somewhere. I really enjoyed reading this, and it brought a smile to my face. Great job!
I think it’s more like poetry then a story. Stories have a plot. Or maybe this was quotes. Either way, it was a good piece, but I was expecting a story. Over all, it was good.
This is cute and brings back some great memories of my own childhood. I was laughing by the time I got to the last one – makes me think my brother would have done that had aliens been big back when I was a kid. Good job :-)
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