Poetry / To Us!

how long till my heart will overflow
To rush the tide and undertow
The beckon call a serenade
You hear its calling deep aubade
Cross fields of green and shadowed brook
T’was a lonely peasant’s heart you took
I hear your cry sing loud and clear
T’is the future I shall not fear
My will be done, a silent cheer
Our time, my love, is growing near…

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October 30, 2005

Runatyr

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
76	94.7% (38 votes)	69.0%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	M	Windsor, CT	November 23

Runatyr reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Greetings and salutations,

That first line is not making any sense to me, grammatically or otherwise.

“it’s” should be “its” if it’s a possessive calling, but it’s not entirely clear what you’re going for there.

The idea of the aubade and the parting lovers seems to be the core of the poem. I think if you focus on that and cut the affected Early Modern English out, you’ll have a stronger piece here.

Some merit here, though it also merits a revision. Thank you for the opportunity to comment! :)

~Jeff

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November 08, 2005

by jNIM

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
16	100.0% (5 votes)	14.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	M	Oakland, CA	April 28

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~jeff
thank you for your suggestions. i’ve now changed the first line as well as some grammatical errors.

i’ve chosen to keep the “Early Modern English” for several reasons: 1) i’m a fan of it… 2) it fits in with the whole “peasant” thing. 3) i think poetry should be “timeless” and in this way i’ve tried to mingle the past and the present here. and 4) i think it flows better than “it was” or It is”...
but i could be way off base here… ;)

November 12, 2005

by Runatyr

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
76	94.7% (38 votes)	69.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
38	M	Windsor, CT	November 23

personal info reviewer stats

Well, it’s a personal choice. I don’t think the timelessness of a poem rests in the language it’s expressed in, but the expression itself. If anything, you are dating it by equating it to a specific time period that’s foreign to today’s readers.

I’m a fan of Early Modern English too, but I don’t plan to teach Shakespeare without explaining how Elizabethan English differs from our own. And those differences form a wall of time and culture, hoops you are making your reader jump through. For what purpose? Shakespeare had a good reason for it, since he was born in Elizabethan England.

If you do want to keep the style you have, “T’is” is conventionally abbreviated ”’Tis”. And that first letter of the first line ought to be capitalized as the others are if you are going for the older convention.

The idea of mingling past and present would be interesting, but I don’t see much of the present present, if you’ll forgive the phraseology.

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