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Poetry / Down South
stardust sprinkles us as we lay beneath his glow
in farmer smith’s meadow
crickets sing their songs of slumber slow
sinking—
in the absence of light
swallowed
by her lovely eyes
captured—
like those autumn fireflies
she never let me catch
lost and found in this small town
the only negro in the batch
as i smile she frowns
bringing my good mood down
i long to touch her hair of deepest ebony
to feel those kinking strands move through my hands
instead i choose to fan
mosquitoes from her furrowed brow
wondering how i can get her to stay
a little longer with me this day
so i play a little tune
on granddad’s harmonica about the moon
june was when i first
swooned
from seeing her blossoms—
in full bloom one look and i was
doomed
to a life of dual captivity
trapped—
between tragedy and rhapsody
humbled
by her humanity
when she touches me my bondage is
erased
she makes me feel safe
i ignore the skin that was chaffed
my screaming scars
my hate and even the barking dogs that await
because to find her is to know
that love exists even in
sorrow
for i finally saw tomorrow
beyond the walls of woe
in the eyes of jim crow
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loraleeathitan reviewed Version 1 -
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this was a beautiful piece of art. I especially liked the part ,”when she touches me my bondage is
erased
she makes me feel safe” by bondate erased, it’s like she takes away the brutality…. Strong word usage, it makes me shiver.
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ordean reviewed Version 1 -
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The flowed very well and really stated to move along in the middle and continued through to the end. I felt the longing and yearning was very well articulated. Very well written.
bnice reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought the beginning was strong. As this piece progressed it felt like you lost touch with the emotions that were the inspiration of this piece. It felt almost as if you were hesitant to express your feelings like the boy who is afraid to ask the object of his affection to the prom. There are plenty of others here who will point out mechanical flaws in this piece. All I have to say is you can’t go swimming without getting wet.
Chris
B.Nice™
MeanderingPoet reviewed Version 1 -
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This was immaculate. I was waiting for your racial issues to get out of hand…another overly political poem. But I was happily surprised by your gentle innitiation of race, intermixed with real human feeling.
Your lines:
“she makes me feel safe
i ignore the skin that was chaffed”
Were really subtle, but drew the reader into your thoughts. I had to think for a minute, but your poem sort of swept over me. Not to mention the aspect of love conquering all being a happy subject to read about.
CnfsdDixyPixy reviewed Version 1 -
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My only real impression of this is that it is really quite long. Perhaps you could consider cutting down on the length in order to give it more “punch”, for lack of a better word.
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