Glad tyo see I’m on the right track conceptualy speaking. Honestly this is my first real stab at narrative, and my gramatical skills are lacking, which parts/lines specificlly exhibit bad grammer? And I hear you on the ambiguity over who is speaking, I hope to soon have that adequatly remedied, thankyou for taking the time to read it.
Short Story / A Companion-revised
It was another late night that I sat at my desk, deep within my study. Outside the sun had long since set on the earth. Tall old trees kept vigil over me. Their long gnarled roots erupting from the marshy ground. Spanish moss hung from their limbs like shawls on the shoulders of the elderly, clothing less needed in the bayou’s warm climes.
Sitting at my desk, I gazed across old pictures and choked on the memories they brought back. The house was still, a dim glow emanated from a light on the table, and the liquor cabinet sang a sirens song that drifted up the stairs, tugging on my mind. It was a hopeless melody. Inside the desk’s drawer, my revolver slept fitfully.
The light upon my table showed upon those terrible memories, offering a way back. A door that only asked to be opened, so, with another throatful of vodka, I did. My first impulse was to vomit, but I managed to hold it down.
Then I found it, right where I’d left it, all shiny and new. It was my life. Back in the city, the good old days. My name, my family, my friends, and my love. Yeah, that was right, I remembered then, I had been loved after all. That feeling like afternoon sunrays on your back, a warm contentment. But it was night now, though still warm, the air enveloping you like a blanket, smothering to some, comforting to me. And I was walking down the street, hand in…....no, I was alone, but I was meeting her, thats right. But then, I came to the resturant early and she…showed up with someone else….and he….they…
So thats where I left it, dead on the pavement in front of a fine resturant full of fine food and fine people and nothing that really meant a damn to me but…...
Lost in my thoughts amidst the nostalgia, I felt the cold metal of a pistol pressed against the back of my head.
“Stay as you are”, commanded a voice.
I shuddered at the pressure of a gun barrel against my skull.
“Whataya want”
“I want You,” replied a deep voice, that sounded like it had smoked one too many cigarettes.
My heart quickened, and my mind raced.
“How did you get in here”
“I’ve always been here”
I resisted the urge to squirm in my seat, I tried reason.
“If it’s money, you can have it”
“You can’t get rid of me with money”
At this I relized something, I was frightned, sure, but behind it, something else, a vauge sense of being, tired? No,weary, weary is the word.
“Tell you what”, he said “I was gonna kill you tonight, but if you can guess my name, before, oh, lets say midnight, I’ll grant you a reprieve.”
Midnight, 12:00, only five minutes. But who was this psycho and how did he get in here? The doors were all locked, I was sure of it. And I was positive the old hinges on my study door hadn’t creaked open, he must have been hiding up here for hours, maybe longer. My thoughts turned toward the desk, where my gun was still nestled in the drawer, if only I could get to it.
“Well, do I get any clues?”
“Sure, but forget about the weapon, you know as well as I do it’s not in the drawer at this point.”
My heart dropped like a falling stone. I imagined my mystery guest smiling behind me, a wide Cheshire cat grin. I sat in silence. I was going to die.
“Well come on. Play the game or I can just kill you now.”
“Okay, Okay. Whatda you …..uhh�?
I needed time. There had to be a way out of this.
“Do for a living, what’s your job”
“I harvest saplings for his forest, I work closely with my brother”
“You work for Carlisle? Down at the mill?”
“Getting cold, my lad”
Once again I had the image of that terrible grin flash before my minds eye.
Four minutes to midnight.
“Do I even know you?”
“I’m Shocked, I’m your closest companion, I introduced you to all your friends downstairs in the liquor cabinet.”
At that point, all I could think was that this serial killer would murder me in my own study and that I was going to another unsolved mystery slumped over a desk.
My eyes fell down to the photos on the desk. All the things I’d done, all the people I’d known and the memories of…..
“I was with you that night.”
“What?”
“When she left”, he sounded arrogant, triumphant, like a kid with a secret he’s just dying to tell.
“How do you…, my words faltered’
“From the second she turned around and took that first step in the other direction, I held Your hand.We got drunk that night, you took vodka, I drank tears.”
“And whenever you started to forget, I whispered her name into your ear, showed you her image in the corner of your eye, let you imagine her scent; and for a passing moment, barely a single beating of your broken heart, I let you revisit the feel of her embrace.”
“My voice could rise no higher than a whisper,Are you the Devil”
“I told, he owns the forest, I just plant the trees.�”
“What are you?”
“Angel, demon, ghost, semi-corporeal entity. The real million dollar question, boy, is my name. You have slightly under two minutes.”
My heart was racing like I was about to plunge over the top of some sick amusement park ride, I was dumbfounded, stupefied, but then he kept talking.
“Cat got your tongue?, more clues then�?
He was on a roll now.
“ I help make all the words you wish you could take back. All the words you wish you had said. I sharpen the blade on every stinging memory that comes to you when your alone. I’m in every second chance you never got. I’m the one that lets you go back, I’m a time traveler, boy, with me you never have to leave the past. You have thirty seconds till midnight�”
Defeated, I looked down at those photographs, paper memories scattered across my desk, the image of a smiling angel, and all I could feel was the deepest sense of…....
“Regret�”
My voice hung in the air like it had substance, and I watched the second hand pass twelve.
In my right hand, clenched tight enough to turn my knuckles white, was my .38
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Ravenn reviewed Version 1 -
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This 455 word review has not been unlocked.
LynnFollett reviewed Version 1 -
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Good work not much more that I can add to what you have already got in your notes I want to see where the story goes.
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Fastboyent reviewed Version 1 -
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It is a good story, but the setting needs more description. I would love to know more about the study that the character is in and it would add a lot to the story. Put more setting description in there and then everything will be great that I can tell right now.
fourtwenz reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the flow of your writing a neat little scene. i woulda liked a bang or a he turns his head, ust to clarify if his word was correct. good tale stick e in friends in you like i enjoy readin short stories
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, it’s always a bit tough reviewing any piece less than 1,000 words as we don’t get much plot development, characterization and the like. You have an interesting idea here for a story and it could work, but right now there’s no suspense so we’re just merely reading along until the ending we all know is coming. The only ambiguity is whether he pulls the trigger or not. Suspense could be developed through stronger, concrete, descriptive narrative, and a stronger character. That stronger character could be developed through exploration of his relationship with his ex and alcohol. The game could take on more suspense if you made the discussion more ambiguous. We know immediately he’s talking to himself, so we just read along waiting for him to either shoot himself or solve it. Along the way we really have no reason to care either way, since you didn’t explore what “life” or his “ex” meant to this guy, not in a real sense. This is why I say you can’t really get a good feel for a piece in less than 1,000 words. This piece will have to go at least 2,000 words for you explore these issues. Keep it going.
Sarah_Sassy reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! What an interesting way of expressing a used idea! The beginning kind of game me an Edgar Allen Poe in The Raven feeling… lovely piece! There are a coupel of things I noticed that you migth want to change:
The comma isn’t necessary in the first sentence.
“Their long gnarled roots erupting from the wet, marshy ground.” doesn’t use the correct tenses. You might want to re write it to say “Their long gnarled roots erupted from teh wet, marshy ground.”
Other than that I found the writing to be very well done indeed! Good job and thank you for the read!
LeahD reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey, this is a great premise -- personification of the suicidal impulse -- it’s a little old-fashioned, which I guess is why I like it. I have a couple of quibbles—there seem to be words left out in the dialogue:
““Do for a living, what’s your job‿” (needs a question mark, too.)
The imagery in the first paragraphs is clever, but might be a little too much. Not every sentence needs to contain a vivid image. I like the Spanish moss simile, except I think instead of the cold “the elderly” you should use a more precise and alive expression, like “old women.”
But I love the concept, and you keep up the tension.
Loekie reviewed Version 1 -
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If he was more unsure, like:
give hints without being to obvious.
I think the piece would have more power if it looks like it is someone like an ex-lover or a family member is threatening the narrator and as the piece goes by, you start to wonder. I hope this helps.
I like the way you set the mood with dark description especially things like: shawls on the shoulders of the elderly.
Thing is, I figured out the piece the minute I read: I’ve always been here. I suppose if you were more vague at the beginning, the piece would work better. There are too many obvious clues right up front. I’ll give a couple of examples:
The doors were all locked, I was sure of it
And I was positive the old hinges on my study door hadn’t creaked open.
If he was more unsure, like:
I can’t remember if I locked all the doors.
Did I leave the door of the study ajar? Otherwise I would have heard the old hinges.
give hints without being to obvious.
I think the piece would have more power if it looks like it is someone like an ex-lover or a family member is threatening the narrator and as the piece goes by, you start to wonder. I hope this helps.
Jelissa_Jones reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a good story I like the concept a lot. It was sometiems hard to follow who was saying what though. The formatting could use some work as well as the punctuation.
Mozart reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey, I read this before you edited it and found it hard to enjoy because of the errors.
Your story telling is sound and you have a good grasp of semantics. I am pleased that you gave it an edit.
Your good at story telling, keep at it.
rob
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