Short Story / Shattering News pt. 1

She was never to see it coming, the old friend returning to apologize shared no secrets. The sad looks from his old teacher didn’t concern her. It wasn’t until that old friend appeared at the classroom door in tears, to deliver the faitful message to ignite the pain. A scream that would be heard throughout the school flew from her mouth. It was her senior year, a chance to escape the labels, the stereotypes and stress of high school all seemed meaningless as news of her first love dying a million miles away arrived from an old friend’s tear stained lips.

She was going to fly south shortly after graduation and he would pull her close and the happiest time she ever shared would return to her. But two years of crafting and creating this fantasy all disolved by the tears of a girl in love.

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Reviews

September 13, 2006

cdnsurfer

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1219	88.7% (212 votes)	36.4%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
45	M	Canada	November 22

cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Yes, we understand the “scene” vaguely, just like the writing. This is the point of writing clear, concrete and descriptive words so that it’s no longer vague but crystal clear what happens to whom.

Structure: You need to watch out for those run-on sentences. I can’t tell if there are other major writing style issues as this is too short to consider that yet. Passive voice seems evident here. Use an active voice. The worst offender is always that passive “to be” verb in all its forms (i.e., he had/he was). Try with an active verb driving each sentence.

Plot: Well there’s a hint of a plot here, but little else.

Character: Who is she? You asked if naming her would make a difference. It would make a difference because you want us to become emotionally attached to her, so we want things that will evoke a personal connection to your character. If you want us at a distance then that’s fine—don’t name her, but we will never cry for her either. Give us the details of who “she is”, elements of her life, her loves, her hates, her home, etc. Mannerisms.

Well good luck.