Well, it is all said in my notes to the reviewers: Something I wrote back end of Oct. 94, waiting for a train. A small snapshot of a bar in a train station. A slice of life. Just a snapshot I wanted to share back in the early days of urbis when they did not have a category for journals.
Non-fiction / A Snapshot
Here I sit, in the Nürnberg HBF, at 10:51. Almost everything is closed, including the reservation desk. So there was no way to get a reservation on the train. Especially for a couchette. I’m not too happy because of that.
The week was frustrating because I was trying to get some stuff, over the net, to here. Things were extremely slow or not working at all. A couple of times, I had the urge to grab a machine gun and shoot some machines. Thus, when it came time to have a beer at 4:30, I had a couple. Just to relax.
Elmar gave me a lift home, so I didn’t have to walk all the way back. Also to discuss a bit about my work here and possible directions. Which might lead to more trips here. After that it was time to pack and grab a bite.
This time, I decided to take an earlier train to Nürnberg. Partly so I would not miss my train to Brussels, but also I would be able to reserve a couchette so I could have a nap. I arrived in Nürnberg about 10:45. Almost everything is closed, save the bar. I’m going to have to take pot-luck on the train. Oh, well.
The “bar†I’m in right now is a study of contrast. A bit like the bus station they show in the John Laroquette show. The travelers, the drunks and the dregs of society. I am a little uncomfortable seeing the denizen of the station around. Be it the hustlers or the drinkers. So I sit, with my back to the wall; my backpack safely stowed beside me.
Two tables down is a man, with medium length, white hair. Head on the table. He is slowly scratching the back of his head. Fingers slowly going back and forth. Suddenly, he is interrupted by an old lady. His head slowly rises, as if gravity is stronger there, to reveal a long, scraggly, white beard. The head slowly sinks back down.
The old lady is short and bent. She shrieks in short bursts of words. Face lined with wrinkled age and drink. She holds chairs to keep steady, when she stops moving; a crutch she needs. Wizened hands waving at people as she ambles about the tables. A slouched walk, slowed by drink and age.
She eyes tables, looking for unattended glasses. The beer of the slumped man is fair game in her sights. A decrepit vulture, circling around the bar. With no sign from the slumped man, she raises her prize to her lips and takes a few sips. Once sated, she starts to search for the next prize.
Blank, tired faces fill this smoke dense room. Loud voices echo, in the room, from the various tables, filling the room with a cacophony of sound. Not all are waiting for a train.
The voices convey emotion but say nothing. German floats and bombards me but I don’t understand a word. I hear the spoken sounds but all I perceive is noise. How I would love to catch snippets of the conversation, just to hear what is being said. No matter how banal.
A snapshot of human existence. People coming and going from the bar. Some walk, some stagger, some swagger. And there are those who can barely walk. Time here seems to be measured by a leaving train or closing time.
I come back to the slumbering man, who is now wearing a cap. The old woman has left, in search for her next conquest. And soon, I will be leaving. But will he be leaving? Even though the bar is closing, will he be back tomorrow, same time, same position? I know, next time I am here, the picture will be different. Possibly with some of the same images but different. Here in this dark place, as the world goes by.
The slumbering man has just raised his head slightly. To shake it, as if to shake something off. And then he rests it back on the table. He sits there, wearing a long, black coat. Oblivious to the surroundings. Even the sharp cries from people toasting each other, tables apart. He stays there, undisturbed. Slowly breathing, slowly wasting away his time.
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TimeTrader reviewed Version 1 -
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This sentence is confusing, “Also to discuss a bit about my work here and possible directions”. Are the possible directions referring to your work to physical directions?
Another confusion to the reader,”German floats and bombards me but I don’t understand a word” How does the language float a person, Explain or use another word.
You have the essense of a good piece of flashfiction. The sentences do not flow. It is somewhat disjointed. There are too many sentence fragments, “Some walk, some stagger, some swagger” like that one. Connect them up and your prose will have a rythmn and your writing voice.
Write On!
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easywriter57 reviewed Version 1 -
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nxmq reviewed Version 1 -
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Your paragraphs are quite short… perhaps try and link them together. This feels more like a journal entry than a piece of work intended for other readers – but perhaps that is what you intended?
KatieDub226 reviewed Version 1 -
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What a great snippet. I especially liked the description of the old woman. I wonder if “age and drink” and then later “drink and age” is intentional or if it was just a redundancy you didn’t notice.
My only advice would be to not necessarily include all the details at the beginning of the piece, because I felt they detracted from the piece. After I was done reading, I thought, “Now what was the point of the first few paragraphs?” It might be better just to mention you are a traveler going from Nurnburg to Brussels. I did like how you mentioned the German floating was all just noise. That part stuck out to me.
Great piece, maybe refine it at the beginning and it will be wonderful!
VioletL reviewed Version 1 -
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Just a little revision and this will be perfect. It evokes the setting. Add the smells of stale beer and cigarettes and polish a tad and you have it!
Suz reviewed Version 1 -
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I love to read snippets of life elsewhere. Just like you, I too love to catch snippets of conversations, just to hear what is being said. A study of humanity in different surroundings. We are all so vastly different, just so much alike.
You told your story well. You allowed the reader to eavesdrop on your private observations, which although sounds simple enough, it is not so easy to get the right blend of observation, description, and fact.
You did a good job.
TirzahLaughs reviewed Version 1 -
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You capture the essenence of the day, the epiphany perfectly. I think that the realization is still a bit subtle. I would draw out the development and reveal it more slowly.
I also would hesitate to refer to specific TV shows because it makes it difficult when those shows are no longer available to reference. Try to capture the essense of that JL bar without calling it that.
I think that the writing and language are quite good, my only real objection in that this piece still seems ver brief and the end is not quiet as developed as I would like.
May 16, 2006
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This is lovely, you’ve placed it in non-fiction but it is just the kind of prose that I enjoy reading. Syntax like this “Some walk, some stagger, some swagger.” holds a great rhythm, almost poetically metered. And I love the idea of time measured in departing trains.
If I was to clean up this piece I would remove the personal from it, and keep it imagistic/descriptive. Passages like “Elmar gave me a lift home, so I didn’t have to walk all the way back. Also to discuss a bit about my work here and possible directions. Which might lead to more trips here. After that it was time to pack and grab a bite.” are weak in comparison to the stuff I mentioned before, which isn’t to say they should be cut out completely (they give the description space to breathe and prevent things getting too dense), just thinned out a little.
The inclusion of place names is wise as it gives a location without it having to be spelled out explicitly or over-described.
Nice piece. Hope you do something else with it, perhaps write a series of these from various transport stations? airports, taxi ranks, bus stops, docks…
smalltownbeatnik reviewed Version 1 -
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this piece has an interesting subject. you showed good organization of ideas and points. the style is concise and factual. i don’t find any grammatical errors. impressive. good job.
elfygirl reviewed Version 1 -
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Great job with the descriptions; the short sentences were a good idea too because it makes it seem as if this is happening right now, this is what you’re thinking. Where you say “German floats and bombards..”, you should say it ‘floats around’. Where you say ‘in search for…” it should be ‘in search of.”
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