Short Story / Armageddon
Blood. Blood everywhere, on everything. On the ground, on the buildings, on the people. Everyone is fighting, not distinguishing between friend and foe. The noise is unbearable. Everyone is screaming; dogs are barking; cats are yowling. Then it happens.
The sky goes dark. The sun stops shining. No one speaks. The world is silent. They are here.
They are not European. They are not Asian. They are not African. They are not of this world. They are angels. However, they are not what generally comes to our mindwhen someone mentions an angel. These are no little children with gold rings around their heads and cute blonde hair. They are great shining beings, wielding deadly swords. They ride huge golden horse-like creatures. Still no one makes a sound. No one can speak, for their minds are filled with a beautiful music. Then a dog barks, heralding the arrival of more beings, none so beautiful as these.
The demons are ugly and foul. They shriek and hiss and leer at you. They come near you, and your worst memories replay in your mind. But the angels come forward, and the music returns. However, the demons don’t give up so easily. They take another step forward, in front of the angels. It becomes almost like a game. Music and memories are battling each other in your mind, like static on a radio, even as outside the angels and demons are competing for ownership of you.
Finally, the demons have had enough. They turn around and attack the angels, but they’re not quick enough. The heavenly beings have their swords out, and the look on their faces makes the demons want to reconsider their decision, but it is too late. The angels are upon them, swinging their swords. There is screaming and shouting again, but this time it is not the voices of men. The men have faded into the background. The demons are hissing and shrieking, but no one can hear it because of the music that is once again playing in their minds. Then, silence.
It is over. The angels are victorious, shining so brightly you can’t look at them. Slowly, the death and carnage around you fade away, and you are standing before the One on His golden throne.
He is robed in white, and all around him angels and elders kneel before him, singing alleluia. He looks at you, and you know that he can see everything you ever did, said, thought, and yet at the same time, you know he will forgive you for it if you only ask. Slowly, you drop to your knees and add your voice to the chorus of praise to the Creator. Everything else is forgotten, and still you sing. Alleluia. Amen.
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This is okay but to me has these faults:
1. Not enough description
Instead of saying the demons are ugly and foul, why not describe them to me in such a way that I can see they are ugly and foul? What do their faces look like? Or their eyes? Teeth? etc
2. You repeat stuff.
‘Blood everywhere, on everything. On the ground, on the buildings, on the people’
If blood is everywhere it WILL be on people and buildings, so there is no reason to tell me this.
‘They are not European. They are not Asian. They are not African. They are not of this world.’
Just tell us here that they are not of this world – then we know they are not from Europre etc.
3. 2nd person narrative
This hardly ever works which is why so few novels and short stories use the 2nd person narration.
Try it in 1st and 3rd.
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Well, the title certainly suggests an ambitious project! From the first sentence, I didn’t think I would like this – ‘blood on everything’ is a bit vague, and kind of brief about something potentially shocking. However, the piece turned out to be an interesting treatment of the ‘end of the world,’ that evokes biblical folklore, culminating with the ‘amen’ which suggests that it is a prayer. Some of your phrases are a bit awkward or a bit unneccesary – ‘They are angels. However, they are not what generally comes to our mindwhen someone mentions an angel.’ You capture a sense of noise and chaos quite well, and I like the mention of ‘radio static.’
So this is ok – maybe now you need to flesh it out, give us some kind of context so why know why this is all going on.
best wishes
Religious fiction like this is never easy but you made it your own rather well, still keeping in mind what Armageddon is suppose to be of. I liked it.
This is a valiant attempt at trying to create an accurate “portrayal” of armaggedon, though I find it to be a bit cliche. It reads exactly like how others have imagined the world to end many a time over. My suggestion to you, if you want to stand out and actually get noticed for your writing, is to expand on this and maybe do something different from your peers. Armaggedon is an interesting topic and can be depicted in whatever light you want it to be done in (since it has not yet occurred. . .if it is even going to), so you have the freedom to do what you want. Don’t let yourself be pigeon-holed into creating something that has already been created. Also, you may want to consider cleaning up your punctuation since it makes the reading of this a bit difficult and slow to read. Possibly get a peer with good editing skills to look this over for you.
I thought that was an interesting and well written piece describing the armageddon. The final days seem destined to become focal points for art by all of those who dare speculate on it, and I find myself keenly fascinated by the ideas that people have about it. You write well. Keep continuing on with it. Smiles.
Reading this sent chills throughout my body. This was an incredible piece of work. Your images place were outstanding. I loved the battle between the angels and the demons trying to take us. In the beginning I thought how could they be covered in blood but soon came to realize the symbolism there. Blood washed, Blood bought. If you cover the frame with the lambs blood death shall not come to you but everlasting life. Blood was on everything. This is truly one of the best, creative, original pieces I have yet read on this site. Many Kudos to what you have done. To be so young, you are blessed. I am not a judge of works, just an inspired reader, thankyou for inspiring words from this your reader…
hmm, its like this was written by two different people. There are moments when good writing begins the scentence and then bad writing ends it. some sentences are very nice, well flowing, good word choice. then the very next scentence is blunt, dull and not well thought out. Also this story needs more substance. more description of action. or perhaps more action in general. but i feel like this could be an interesting piece with a little more focus on each scentence.
touchograe
Not bad. I really like the first paragraph, lots of short sentences that crank up the tension.
The piece is really tight, words are used sparingly and create epic pictures in the mind.
Small complaint though, don’t use the word ‘cute’ in the middle of the final battle between good and evil. It sounds hugely out of place.
But apart from that, good work. Very impressive.
Interesting piece for a 15 year old. I see you’ve a talent. Let’s see if we can work on it, shall we? Show, don’t tell. Active voice, not passive voice. More description. The first paragraph could be written like this:
“Blood runs on the street, as people scream and yell, and dash at each other, arms raised in violent protest. A Rottweiler snarls and tears into the crowd, ripping at a man’s leg. He tumbles and curses. Brothers wrestle with brothers, and noone can tell in the chaos of arms and legs, and body parts, who is who.” Does that make sense? Keep it going.
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